Ladies and Gentledorfs, I would like for you to meet a very special human who has survived what can only be described as stupid bullshit.
Uja "Paddledchurch" was just your regular .34.11 demi-god Lasher (hush, I know I'm a wussy. I just started. A real character anyway.) when one day he decided to go adventuring. He went around town gathering friends (A maceman, a lasher, and a Pikeman) and some equipment (a whole buncha shit made out of sharks and hard leather. I'm wearing like four coats, two pants, two gloves, and two boots somehow. And a bitchin Hard Leather Armor. Everything is of varying quality, all good. I don't question it.) and then asked for some targets.
The townspeople told me of a goblin warlord, a vampire with EXACTLY 666 kills, and four night-creatures that are over a FUCKING MOUNTAIN that are somehow terrorizing them. Right okay, as long as I have something to do. I head towards the night creatures and discover mountains are fucking annoying to cross without quick-travel. Dumbass maceman OHK an alligator and pisses off its mate. I have to rush over and incapacitate it before Crocodile Dundee gets eaten. The entire party spends about 10 minutes real-time beating the crocodile to death. We then take a rest to let the idiot stop bleeding. Our nap is interrupted by an UNKINDNESS (that's a flock of Ravens) that try to EAT the mace-man. So I get up and half-awake bulldoze over one of the attacking Ravens. Most of them fly away, but three stay behind to fight. They get their asses torn apart, but manage to bite the maceman enough to "give into the pain." So I decide I'll COMMAND WAIT for him to wake up.
NOPE. Maceman was whisked away by the game for being unconscious during what I guess could be called a "loading screen."
Well, I continued on with my remaining piker and lasher. After a little while, it gets dark and we turn in for the night only to get ambushed by a small group of goblins. That is, 3 macemen, and a swordsman with possibly one other unit I forgot about. I get the lovely scar mentioned in the picture and the lasher gets the absolute shit beat out of him while the Pikeman cleans house. We kill everything and I get a new iron shield, and then we mope a few tiles away to rest again. After the nap, everyone's fine and we follow a mountain road.
On either side of the mountain road there are meadows with weasels, yaks, wolverines, and keas.
F.U.C.K.
My party members go completely mad and run off in every direction to kill everything they see, and I can't wait to look in legends mode to see how far they got, if I can remember their names. I keep walking thinking they'll catch up, the pikeman teleported to me once after I quick-traveled in a small forest spot. NOPE. They disappeared too, so I was alone. Luckily, I was in the mountains and didn't have to worry about boogeymen, so I made my way back to a fortress to get less retarded help.
The only problem was that night, after surrounding myself with campfires, TEN FUCKING NIGHT CREATURES SWARMED ME. Four of which were indeed the quest targets. Luckily, ol' Uja is faster than hell so I dodged a "Horned Man Child" onto one of the campfires and then sprinted for my life.
I made it back to a nearby fortress and got some more help. That's where the tale ends for now, but I expect more bullshit when I go back to the nightcreature cave, and when I go after the 666 vampire.