Hmm, I think that's actually 54 words. heh heh
Anyway, there aren't many clear-cut mistakes, so most of the things I'll say you can take or leave and be just fine.
corrections:
knukles -> knuckles
- misspelled (or typographical error)
morpheuses -> Morpheus' (probably)
- I assume this is the embrace of someone named Morpheus, so since it's possesive, it needs an apostrope. Also, proper names are usually capitalized. (Might also be Morpheus's, but usually, if a name ends in an 's', you only add an apostrophe to make it possesive)
Tired the man sits -> Tired, the man sat
- comma is necessary
- tense disagreement between the rest of the story (past) and sits (future). If you intended it that way, that's fine too, just pointing it out.
The man stumbled following -> The man stumbled, following
- this one could go either way, depending on precisely what you want to say. It's fine without a comma, but I pointed it out because a lot of people probably would use one there.
suggestions:
footsteps that were in the snow
- "that were" seems awkward there. "footsteps in the snow" flows better. If you intentionally made it that way, that's fine.
hedge that made up... making him claustrophobic... grip on the axe made his...
- lots of uses of the verb "make" in quick succession. Gives it a kind of tired, monotonous feel, which might be what you intended. If so, leave it as it is.
Suddenly, abruptly the tracks ended
- This is repetitive, since suddenly and abruptly mean the same thing here. If you like that repetitiveness there and want to keep both words, I would add a comma after "abruptly".
I'm assuming the story is constrained to be exactly 50 words? No more, no fewer?
Let me know if you want any clarification or more detailed suggestions.
Also, I vote that more people write and post 50 word stories on this thread!
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Topic: 50 word story (Read 5121 times)