PROTIP: When you give someone a poisoned apple, make sure the apple is actually poisoned.
You feel frightened, then you become more fleetfooted, and finally you kiss the person closest to you on the lips.
Sounds like a first date.
Your breasts, if any, turn golden and then you die instantly repeatedly.
Sounds like any dates after that.
Your head becomes stronger permanently.
And that's why those dates were so bad...
For once I am tremendously glad that I have no wings.
...
That's 6.678 x 10^46 deaths!
I guess not every tribe knows the secrets of nuclear fusion.
We figure out that those holes in the ground can be used as shelter.
Work towards fermentation, we'll never be a real civilization without alcohol.
What it lacks in horror, it makes up for by not being fucking stupid.
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?action=post;msg=3855717;topic=49316.180
Wait what happened? I wasn't paying attention to them; there's so much fallacy here it's like background static.
I do not think we should set the building we are currently in on fire.
One one hand, Dunwich sounds kinda like a mentally challenged sandwich, but on the other hand, Dunwich sounds kinda like a mentally challenged sandwich.
We could, but honestly it's just easier to catapult their heads forward into the future.
Nail, if you wanna make your wife happy you don't send her off, magically disguised, into a place filled with magic people who want to murderize her.
You massage her feet.
KILL SELF TO IMPEDE ACTION.
Only the Horrifying Madness Creatures on the outside of the Temporal Prison have cities, formed from the bodies of their weaker members.
*sniff* I do love those little guys so much!
Refuse to die of old age. I'm a house, dammit!
Reason's greetings!
I recall one world gen i had a dwarven civ lived entirely in an evil zone, half of the dwarves had troll and ogre kills under their belts and combat skills, the other half were fish dissectors.
Wow just wow... A true telling of an epic about puppies falling onto a premature frozen block of ice. Good show.
Aww. I'd give you a hug, but you'd question my motives. 
That my friends, is exactly why the backup plan exists.
Which now involves goblins.
So Judeo-christian mythos has god's son walking on water, hindu myths have a gods son as a flying mountain transport monkey.
That's Hinduism: 1, Monotheism: 0
CURSE YOU SATAN! YOU USED TO BE COOL!
I SAID GOD OF HATS. I HATE YOU AUTO CORRECT!!!
Bay 12: Where injuries are treated as avenues to inflicting mass destruction.
Ok how about this. I dont start eating my children and replacing all life on the pkanet with squiddles, and my children don't revolt and castrate me, and the universe stays unfucked.
This is what happens when we randomly murder people.
You get attacked by a Yandere triangle monster.
I will say that jumping into acid is widely regarded by scientists from both the game world and real life as a "pretty bad idea."
i dont want to wear my ribcage as a hat
Destruction is generally a form of opening.
You summon a nice pair of fleshy legs. How erotic in a...severed limb kinda way.
...Okay, that one's...kinda odd.
Or let the hunter deal with the animal....
You almost got killed by some bunnies sitting on you.
This has been a Dumb Paladin Moment.
"Damn it, I'm like Midas, but with explosions!"
I CANNOT SIG A WHOLE PAGE.
Kill him, cannabalize, gain more blood in our body to use. Cannabalism is the answer always.
Finally a sane person.
You could gently explode
One would think that God of Knowledge would read everything.
PAPERWORK MAN TO THE RESCUE
(Psh, real cops don't do paperwork. Or arrest suspects. They shoot them while they're procrastinating on the paperwork.)
I think we got a new record, an elder god that will survive exactly one turn
"My name is Jimmie-Bob. A wizard flies into a house. Several children are launched, screaming."
damm it derm
"DIE LUSTFUL HERETIC"
Hey, that's MY catchphrase!
"DIE TENTACLE-RIDDEN HERETIC"
We're dying like animals here. Wait, make that you're dying like animals. I'm over in this westward town drinking tea and eating ham sandwiches.
I believe the exact term used was "filth"...
Now all we need to do is throw the local police into the pit!
Can you not destroy the planet please? I live here you know and I'm very attached to you know..... living.
Wwolin forgot t existed, which is understandable when hiding from slendermen.
Bay12 FG&RP in a nutshell.
Engraved on the item is an image of an image of elephants and cheese. The elephants are eating the cheese. The cheese is burning.
I'm a god, not a genie.
I like how I've managed to have almost everyone follow me. Usually they're going the opposite way really fast and on fire.
We hardly expected you to lash the resident hidden vampire to death...Killing the baron was...less desirable.
"Hmm. The more you speak, the more you all seem like ravenous, violent sociopaths. I wonder."
I GOT KILLED BY A YO-YO. WHAT.
...You know, it's probably a good thing our goal is to kill kings and release a demon, possibly dooming the world. It would of been something we would of done anyway, by accident.
While my action is certainly overkill, and probably damned stupid, there is probably no definition of seducing ALL the enemys that falls under conservative.
DAMN NINJA ELDRITCH ABOMINATION
If by "use" you mean "Pick up and play with like kid with a toy spaceship" then yeah, you can totally use them.
Nothing I can do, sorry, stand[a]r[d B]lackwatch protocol, when face[d] with a horrible monster, make it 10 times worse.
That grammar and such IRRITATES me...
No, I'm genuinely impressed. "The Roof of Women" is sure to impress the nearby dwarven settlements and draw in migrant waves like crazy.
"Stand up, my apostles. From now on, you will be fisherers of men."
"Can I still use my trident?"
Due to the condition of your being, we are sad to say that you will not be allowed to mingle with the other dwarves on account of your time of the month coming around and causing you to both menstruate and transform into a hideous monster that likes to tear peoples' heads off.
Clifford was a Titan?
This explains everything.
"So, you ever had an amputation and limb replacement procedure done before? Oh, what am I saying, of course not. Well, that's alright. I've never performed one."
Also the reason you didn't get a counter attack is because you DIED. Can't really fight back when your dead, right?
Uhm. Will this cause problems with a 100% blind population?
I think we can safely assume that, as users of a forum, none of us are illiterate.
Radioactive lesbian prostitutes it is!
Civillians won't run away now, but this might be bad.
[I count myself as a winner. And remember kids, winners don't do drugs, they do hardcore genetic manipulation.][/b]
Damn this linear passage of time.
He may need some plant cloth to wrap the hilt in, and some silk for menacing spikes.
Note to self: Make body into flame or something before weapons deal takes place.
how doth elves work?
Clearly they don't, they just slack off and get someone else to do their jobs.
I'll have you stay still for now since deeper in the forest means danger and I don't want you blundering in, depending on fungal ICBM's that don't exist.
Instead of a new spell appearing in Osborn's book, a long scaly body begins to grow from the spine. As it writhes like a fish on the ground, a pair of reptillian limbs sprout from it, as well as a set of fiery black wings. It roars as it rights itself, looking very much like a dragon or wyvern, but with a massive book for a head and a pen-shaped barb at the tip of its tail. It's a true book-wyrm if you've ever seen one.
Phiali, utilizing his immense mechanical expertise, looks at the mechanism and tries to locate what's been jamming it. He's pretty sure it's something. Something bad. He dares not venture to guess what, but it can't be good.
Quick, change the channel! Watch something wholesome.
Topless book burning it is!
((Obviously the books are topless.))
((Eh. Just get me to somewhere I can do something. Three straight turns of not shooting lightning from my tongue is starting to get tedious.))
Church of the Agile Mouse, a religion that teaches us most of the time it is easier to dodge boulders than blocking them.
Carve a rudimentary phallus into the nearest spire.
Pay no attention to the strange person in my lap.
(( One cocunut seed gatling gun coming up ))
Use my teeth to MANUALLY REMOVE XANTALOS'S SPINE.
It's only manually if you use your hands.
WELL I SHALL JUST HAVE TO GROW HANDS ON MY TEETH, THEN, WON'T I???
((Why does every time I try something new it tries to kill me?
The epic tale of me silently following Feyri around with my hands behind my back shall continue!
i doubt you can recover from acute pulped-lowerbody-itis
I may have to pre-enptively railroad summonings in the future
Three goblins washed away by underground river!
Underground river found!
You're selling the boar's soul for control items, Angle?
If fire doesn't fix your problem, try more fire.
Honestly, no idea whats going on here. Last thing I remember you were impersonating a cat.
...
Charles exits the VR.
Charles Exits the Vr.
...
>Good morning. Welcome to space. It is cold and there is no oxygen. You will die soon.
...Anyone wishing to procreate with me?
Quick, someone sig this!
we're not about to throw our lives away for some sort of off-brand version of the god we already have!"
(Come join team Aether! Fill out most of your spellbook instantly!)
"Man I came for torturing people and magical loot.... not to get chased around by a dragon with a book for a head."
And LARPing. It happened even in ye olde days.
Gotta lure them into a false sense of security. Then I'll hit them with a Dex roll for flossing and they'll lose an arm somehow.
((I think making a booze dragon is now possible
Either I get murdered or I get superpowers.
Let's roll.
One of their scientists even claimed he'd found a way to reverse gravity. As his test material had simply exploded, it was yet to be determined whether his claim as true, and if so, whether it would be at all useful.
and hopefully no more extinction level events (for now)
Team Skypirates: Chronically unlucky or victims of a gypsy death curse? News at 11.
"Fucking, SWITCH YOUR DAMN RUNE, GUY! I WANT MY OMNIPOTENCE SLASH HORRIFIC DEATH!"
"Do the substances in the IV lines of VR machines make people more receptacle to persuasion?"
((no, they dont turn people into cups if they get persuaded, sorry.))
If you roll badly though, it will turn your torso into wings, which can be rather detrimental.
Al and Riltia fall down the shaft.
(None of it works, unless you count the time I used the Fifth Pentacle of Mars to repel a horrifying entity... Damned Jehovah's Witnesses)
It was a "Piecewise not being evil roll" and you got a one. Because that die only has ones.
Could somebody bring me up to speed? Pretty please!
((A group of players has summoned what amounts to a fuel-air bomb that is self-contained in it's own dimension in the temple grounds. They are inclined to set it on fire, or get drunk off of it.))
What do sane people do again? I tried it once and became the head of a brutal police state.
I think they do office work.
((Those two go together.))
You ask your strangely specific, mildly threatening question to everyone around you, but they seem a bit more interested in the fact that they seem to have just summoned a pocket dimension.
...
You gain metal wings on your heels, back , arms and head. It's kinda silly. Gonna assume thats not what you wanted.
...
I look forward to whose posts the thread eats this time.
WE MUST SLAUGHTER THE SCRAPS! LEAVE NOT EGG UNEATEN! NO BABY CHEWED!
The first update will be delayed until tomorrow because your GM is tired, has a headache, and is laughing uncontrollably at this character.
Your arms fall off.
"I am getting so tired of that."
...
You create a lump of ice. It's already starting to melt. And it's screaming psychically about that fact. Oh dear.
continue screaming about never having my turn be used
That's because you're not posting turns...
((And goblins in the bathroom would make for an excellent prank.))
Having no legs is a problem
...
(Petipor dex: 6) I swear, if this shark rolls another 6...
(Petipor dex: 6) 
(Petipor dex: 5)
(Annie dex: 2+1)
(Petipor str: 1+6)
(Annie str: 6-2)
(Nekik dex: 1+4)
(Petipor dex: 5) They told him he could be anything... so he became a ninja
...
Darius can feel some sort of ancient power radiating off of the coin, although he can't tell whether it's the good kind of ancient power that gives you stat boosts, or the bad, curse you for 999 years kind. Well, only one way to find out!
...
...you're pretty sure that if golden statues could blush, she would be doing so right now.
...
...or you might be crushed to death in the process. But hey, what's that for a tough, revenge-driven fellow like you?
Onrath, The coward, who tried to get through 10 missions by just staying back and hiding. He made it through 8 before someone on his team shot him.
Who'd of thought I'd have bad luck finding something to be killed by?
What!? The laws of physics apply!?
Action: Tactical Cowardice!
: "Smashing through the wall might actually hurt!"
: "We could jump! We could also die horribly, flattened like pancakes."
: "Maaaaaybe you also burst into flames."
"Worst case scenario, you explode into glittering powder. Which I can use to make fire cake frosting!
Convince the bot that while it's orders are to guard the door, you are not here to steal it. On the other hand you wish to go through it and it has no order about keeping it shut.
There's nothing wrong with sending our ten year old adopted daughter alone into the forest to kill monsters and steal their things, right? It's good that she's learning to support herself!
It's an imaginary taste of something we don't even know exists yet, but I can taste it anyway.
Damnit guys, conceding points when I just finished laying out the tactical combat grid.
Callously reading ancient tomes of dark magic is often eventful, exciting, and fatal.
But religious psychopaths are so overdone. What are we? CNN?
Extremely well done. Which is to say burn to a crisp and thrown out the window.
Yes, being shot with a laser is SO romantic...
Cancer is a fun sidequest.
Yup, corpses are a much better form of inventory management.
Ciro. Ciro you are too blue. Stop that. Heroines want redheads, not aquettes.
I hate my username.
We shall miss you and your strange brand of medical practice that actually results in people being less injured when you're done then when you started.
SEDUCE TANKS IN THE NAME OF THE LIBERAL CRIME SQUAD!
So wrap a cloth around a blade before committing violent acts of violence with it.
Competitve PvP Dinner Party Hosting. Crikey.
It's like you're trying to make toast by putting random stuff you found in the kitchen into the toaster. Like knives.
Hmm. Time isn't going any faster. You decide to play a game: "Internal Dialogue." Similar to Internal Monologue, but 100% less lonely! Yeah, keepin' things positive! Alright, alright, here we go.
When they shut the shield again, then either the plan worked or they caught on and imprisoned you in a sphere forever with no chance of escape.
Either way, your situation hasn't gotten worse!
You swallow the asprin with another glass of booze and flip through the pamphlet. It's not what you expected. In fact it tells you that alcoholism is a perfectly reasonable reaction to HMRC service and recommends several ways to drink more effectively.
"Oh....I'm not sure how I should feel about this."
Please do not kill me, trying to science.
I do not insult you, I insult your views.
Coincidentally, these two fighters are nearly identical, the only difference being that one is a giant lumberjack with a chainsaw and the other is an English alien who traverses time to die and/or have sexual tension with a multitude of partners. Besides that, exactly the same.
What is it with Bay12 and playing god?
Godhood is our natural state of being.
I want to turn myself into a flying fungus squid.
You jump...
You don't exactly clear it; at least not in one piece.
Your legs are now significantly shorter.
Lorse by virtue of the fact that I like rainforests.
Lorse is a frozen wasteland.
Just like a rainforest.
Wooh! Operation: Make Everyone Think That Austria-Hungary is Just One Huge Clusterfuck, is a success!
Is this what beating up a wheelchair-bound cripple feels like? I wouldn't know, we haven't invented the wheel yet.
I bet plan C would be appreciated right now.
Judging by the poor communication attempt with the orc, I'd say so.
News flash!: Eating suns may be bad for your health! More at eleven.
It's true. We use this banana to explain how to properly use a convey.
Tea or murder... Tea or murder.... hm.... I pick murder.
crash landings are just redesigning opportunities.
You'll be fine unless someone drinks you
If this works anything like I expect, we'll have living plastic office plants.
((Well, just hope Maurice doesn't happen to be fully betentacled when you return.))
Seems the God of Preparedness is unprepared.
Kyle raises an eyebrow at Selina suddenly being attracted to Maria and files it under 'Fanfiction'.
Oh wow what a great idea! Why hadn't I thought of that?
Oh yeah, I remember. I value not being eaten 
... definitions of cute between you and I differ amazingly. A squirrel is cute. A crocodile is incredible and awe inspiring. But I think it'd take massive offense at being called 'cute'.
You're on Bay12. If she's not used to the bizarre then she's not wife material.
OK, so using our creative power seems to open up weird holes of nothingness. We ought to stop doing that.
"It's a game about grinding up your kitchen counter, your gold fish and a tin can and then smoking the powder and being whisked off to various nightmare worlds where you then do hits of Acid to summon clouds of homicidal bees. And then you can sell what you find in the nightmare world at the pawn shop in order to pay your rent for the month; assuming the nightmares don't follow you back out."
...
Must not kill. Must not kill. Murder is a tool to be used sparingly, not a delicious gravy to be spread about with impunity.
Who's recording this, anyways?
Suicidal people with Twitter accounts.
I would not want to be sitting behind the wheel of the car when it gets hit by an oncoming god...
Honorary title of Royal Pimp shall be bestowed upon him soon.
they will still rue the day they thought they were tax exempt.
This Zombie Apocalypse has been delayed due to unforeseen complications dealing with an arena. Please enjoy the complimentary cupcakes as a consolation.
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Topic: Sigtext (Read 1086302 times)