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[Cthulhu]

Not a Lovecraft one, this time, although still being silly and absurd.

There's a problem, though, I have an idea, but I'm not sure how to set up the background to not be too absurd. 

The premise for the story is that, in the future, McDonalds is the world's sole provider of food, having taken control of the government and bought out all other sources of food.  This is already absurd, but not too absurd.  Anyway, McDonalds is eventually run by a massive AI, and no longer needs employees, meaning more people will have to rely on their cheap food.  A computer glitch shuts down all the McDonalds (This is the part I have a problem with, I'll get to it in a minute) and millions of people starve.  It's the McPocalypse (possibly the title of the story).

In the western US frontier towns have sprung up around the old McDonaldses where people try to eke out a meager living in the desert and try to fix the McDonalds (They use matter replicators to make food, so a working McDonalds is a limitless food supply).

The story proper follows the protagonist, of course.  I see him as being some sort of grifter/con artist, having been arrested by townsfolk before he could skip town and, in lieu of being lynched, is sent out to find a way to fix the town's McDonalds.  I have this image in my head of a huge McDonalds on massive mechanical legs wandering the desert, and I think I'll have the item to fix the McDonalds (Probably a flash drive or the like) there, kept by some sort of crazy future-western baron, like with one eye and a goatee.

The climax of the story will probably happen in the huge walking McDonalds.

Does that sound retarded?  It's meant to be retarded, but there's a point where it becomes too retarded, and I'd like some input on whether or not it passes that point.

One of the big things I'm wondering about is why exactly the McDonalds stops working.  The idea came to me when I was driving past a McDonalds, and noticing how everything was McWhatever, and thought "What if they went overboard and made everything an infinitely repeating string of Mcs?"  This slowly evolved into "McDonalds is a hivemind and a computer glitch makes everything on the menu an infinitely repeating string of Mcs"  which lead to "McDonalds owns the world and the glitch makes millions of people starve"

So there you go.  The McDonalds hive mind has a computer error that changes the names of everything on the menu to an infinite string of Mcs.  Since no one can satisfy the requirements to order something, everyone starves to death.

That's what really seems too absurd.  What does bay12 think?  Should I write this?  Should I change the McMcMcMcMcBackstory?  Should I scrap the idea altogether?

Tell me.

[valcon]

I'm sort of a retardation purist.

I feel like if you're going retard, you need to go full retard, as advised in Tropic Thunder.

If you're going to have a story with a walking McDonalds, don't WORRY about back story or character development or whatever, just make the main character a celery stick with a mohawk and a british accent or something crazy like that.

I am a purist though so others may find a mix of seriousness with sillyness nice; to me, it's full tilt or none at all.  Just my 2dwarfbux.

[Org]

So Barbarossa wrote a story, and from the two or three sentences I read of it, it was terrible.  I feel that my only choice of action is to write a story so terrible, so unapologetically horrifying that one will ever be able to write stories again without remembering it and screaming for hours.  If it works out really well I might post it on fanfiction.com and pretend it's serious for lulz.  Let's do this.

Echoes of War
By Cthulhu

Chapter 1: A New Threat
     
     The year is 1969.  In Vietnam there is a military base in the jungles of Vietnam.  Sitting in the bar in that base, drinking Tequila with no sugar, is a man.  That man is Dash Gunmetal.  That's Staff Sergeant Dash Gunmetal to you.  Dash wears a black trenchcoat, a black cowboy hat, and a pair of dark sunglasses.  His boots are made of snakeskin and have spikes made of alligator teeth.  A 3.9 calibre revolver sits in a holster at his side.  He has knives.
     Suddenly, Commander Wolf Grayskull enters the bar.  "Gunmetal!" he says, "We need you to assassinate the Vietcong leader, General Snakeeyes!"
     Dash removes his sunglasses.  "I already know that." He says, and takes off his sunglasses.
     "Of course, Gunmetal.  I forgot you have the gift of foresight." Commander Grayskull says apologetically.  Dash pushes up his sunglasses out of his eyes and peers at Grayskull with eyes that had no pupils.  For Dash is a vampire.
     Dash finishes off his bottle of vodka and walks out.  He loads his revolver and jumps into the air.  His vampire powers allow him to jump all the way out of the base and into the jungle.  But it's not a jungle.  The Vietcong have used nanobots to turn Vietnam into a futuristic city.  Dash takes off his sunglasses, since it's nighttime now, and walks into a seedy bar.
     "Where is General Snakeeyes?" He asks viciously.  The bartender pulls out a gun!  Quick as lightning, quick as a cobra, quick as a barracuda, quick as a moray eel, quick as a sea anemone, quick as a camera flash, Dash pulls out his knives and cuts the bartender's throat.  Everyone pulls out katanas.  Dash knows he'll need to see well, so he takes off his sunglasses.  It is time to kill.

Chapter 2: Visions of the Past

    Dash Gunskull draws his revolver and shoots the first guy.  He is blown in half.  Another guy jumps from a balcony with a katana and dash parries and knocks the katana out of his hand and slashes him in the chest and then cuts his arms off and then cuts off his head.  He shoots another guy behind him, and it goes in slow motion.  Three guys shoot at him with machineguns and he bends down to dodge the bullets like in the Matrix.  One of the bullets hits his sunglasses and they break.
     "Now I'm angry" he says and jumps on the guy and drinks his blood.  The blood gives him superspeed and he kills another guy with his claws.  He kills more people with his claws, until only one guy is left.  Dash picks him up and slams him against the wall.  "Where is General Snakeeyes?!"
    "I don't speak English" he responded.  Gunmetal, disappointed, blows him up with his mind powers because he has mind powers.  He walks outside and sees a tower in the distance.  It says in neon letters THE HOME OF GENERAL SNAKEEYES.

Chapter 3: A Dark Revelation

    Dash jumped to the top of the tower and subdued the guards.  Then he killed them.  He walked down the stairs into General Snakeeyes Throne Room.  But General Snakeeyes wasn't no longer General of the Vietcong.  He was now king of Vietnam.
     "I am no longer General of the Vietcong, I am now King of Vietnam!" he said from atop his pet dragon.  Using his super-vision, Dash saw that Snakeeyes wasn't a human.  He was a terminator and also a vampire.  Snakeeyes' dragon breathed fire at Dash, and Dash jumped out of the way.  The dragon turned into a werewolf and charged at him.  Dash fought hard and tried to avoid being bitten because werewolf poison is poisonous.  He slashed it in the paw and it howled.  It slashed him in the hand he howled.  Its poison was now in his veins.  He shot it in the head and it exploded, sending shrapnel everywhere.  Dash was wounded.  General Snakeeyes would have to wait for another day.  Dash jumped out the window, but landed on the ground safely, for he was a vampire.  He pushed a button in his pocket that called his car to him.  It drove up and he got in.  He drove 100 miles an hour away, but there were cars chasing him.  He leaned out and shot a car.  It exploded.  The other  cars started shooting at him and he dodged through a fruit stand.  He knew he had to go faster to get away, so he pushed a button on the car's dashboard.  It turned into a motorcycle.  He went 200 miles an hour now.  The cars did the same, and now he was in a motorcycle chase.  He turned at an exit ramp and ended up on a giant deathrace track where the track was a hundred feet off the ground and looped and stuff.  It was time to kill.

Chapter 4: Dangerous Knowledge

     Dash drove down the racetrack with the motorcycles behind him.  He used an oil slick and one of the motorcycles fell into a pit full of robot sharks.  He died.  Dash ramped off of a ramp and did a 180.  He opened the roof of his motorcycle, because it was one of those enclosed motorcycles like in Spyhunter.  He pulled out his revolver and shot two of the motorcycles before turning around and landed on the ground.  There was only one motorcycle left and it could fly.   Dash tried to get away but it shot missiles at him.  He dodged them and they hit a school bus.
     "No!" Dash shouted, and remembered his secret weapon.  He jumped out of the motorcycle and pulled off his sunglasses.  He pushed a button and they started beeping.  He threw them like a boomerang and they hit the flying motorcycle.  They stuck to it and it used an EMP to shut it down.  He ran away for in thirty seconds they would explode and they were a nuclear bomb.  At 29 seconds he jumped forward and dove to the ground as they exploded, blowing up General Snakeeyes city of evil.


Chapter 5: Shadows of the Future

     Dash returned to the base, but it was destroyed and on fire.  He ran to Commander Grayskull, but he was dead.
     "Ha ha ha, I have the Star of Power!" King Snakeyes cackled.  Dash turned around and saw him holding a magical star.  "You fool!  The most powerful object in the world was right in your base, and you never knew!" He said.  He flew away.
     "I swear, King Snakeeyes, I'll revenge  you for what you've done" Dash said, and threw his sunglasses to the ground in anger.

This.

[Cthulhu]

Not that.  That was intentionally the worst story ever written.  This is going to be serious, but serious in such an absurd way it becomes funny.

[ein]

How I missed that I do not know.
The story of Dash Gunmetal was one of the most hilarious things I've ever read.

[Jackrabbit]

I'm sort of a retardation purist.

I feel like if you're going retard, you need to go full retard, as advised in Tropic Thunder.

Never go full retard.

[Cthulhu]

In this case, going full retard would be being lolsorandum.  I will not be lolsorandum.

[ein]

In this case, going full retard would be being lolsorandum.  I will not be lolsorandum.

Be less lolsorandom.
Be more lolwut?

Or, for more lulz, be lolHOLYSHIT!