I have been desensitized to just about everything. It has come to the point that violence, gore, pornography and mayhem will not give me pause unless they are mixed together, preferably into a movie about disembodied sentient vaginas firing rocket launchers at crowds of hemophiliac orphans. In this state of emotional couldn't-care-less I must admit that I have begun watching porn simply for the storylines, as they are often hilarious. Its rather like watching a bad horror movie simply to tear it apart; in this case however I suppose it's more of a whore movie *rim-shot* Well, in my wanderings of the great, greasy, twisted, musky and slightly sticky underbelly of the internet I have come across a particularly terrible and terribly funny movie:
Sailor Moon And The 7 Ballz 2 - Return Of The Ballz.
DISCLAIMER
Unfortunately, because of policy guidelines, I can not actually show any clips or screen shots or really even describe anything even implying pornography. What I can do, however is show images and sound-bites
(the links to youtube are soundbites. Please listen to them for they take forever to make.) of non-erotic parts and try and be slightly clever in my wording. It's unfortunate but you'll just have to make due. If you're really curious, I'm sure you can find a copy of this movie at your local church or community center.
(If you really want to see what it looks like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaGjs-SuxWY&feature=related. Its clean but still horrifying)
End Disclaimer.
Quality title screenBeing that most of you have never and will never see this movie, bless your little uncorrupted hearts, I feel it important to include a detailed plot analysis, a play by play as it were, of all the important plot points. With that said, let us begin
Plot: We open upon a severely underwhelming cg city, it's buildings placed like forgotten shoeboxes before the white, formless background that I suppose is supposed to be the sky. We zoom to a parking lot, filled with poorly rendered cars, their glistening and undetailed facades standing bright and vulgar within the gray of the city. A car rocks rhythmically, the screams of a woman heard within; it is obvious that she is in some sort of distress. We cut to the car interior, where we see a man apparently attempting to rob her, thrusting what I can only assume to be a malformed third arm, which grows from his groin area, into what appears to be an organic wallet of sorts, located in the woman's pubic region. Cut again, this time to a young man with a video camera, who appears to be taping the entire assault! The Vile Fiend! For several moments the camera lingers on his completely unmoving visage.
Cut again, to a slightly different angle and a baton tapping on the mysterious cameraman's shoulder. Hurrah! the police have arrived! As he dashes off, the cameraman explains the following
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DToPKjQJrgwhile his image is silhouetted against various images of similar robberies. It is clear that this man is a repeat offender! What follows is roughly 5 minutes of random footage of robberies of the same kind, during which the same disinterested female voice yells "yeah yeah"; Clearly dubing over the original screams of protest, for who would want to be robbed? Finally we cut back reality, finding our camera wielding fiend photographing another heist. This time it appears to be two men robbing sailor moon! The camera man begins to arm wrestle with his own tiny limb, a deformity which seems extremely common, and his groans and shouts quickly drown out all other sounds, leaving the soundtrack to be nothing more then the falsified grunts of a British man faking an orgasm.
After several awkward minutes the hypnotizing grunts are broken by contact of the fourth kind, as an alien ship hovers overhead and whisks the theives and their unfortunate prey into the sky.
On a ladder
highly advanced my assIt now becomes clear that the only way to truly contact other advanced forms of life is to nudely rob women in the middle of the park. Just as the suspense is building the story cuts to an entirely new scene, the familiar orange clothing and spikey hair of Goku fading into being. He comes upon the semi-nude form of bulma, crouching above what appears to be a large sticker shaped like blue liquid. Bulma immediately confronts him and goku plays innocent, only to enrage her further. She explains:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76zAU8Fx0rQWhile explaining this she beings to jam her fingers into her anus, more then likely searching for lost change or perhaps a pack of mentos. After hearing and seeing this, Goku replies with
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-inGW_vWfaUAnd immediately jams his shrunken third arm into her anus, attempting, no doubt, to aid her in her search for the mysterious treasure hidden deep in her colon. After a few moments (and a sudden change to blonde hair) he stops and removes his shrunken appendage from her, sadly without fabulous riches. The following conversation ensues.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yjzyspYrh8Goku then somehow sprays mayo out of his tiny arm, coating the ground in more liquid. The liquid then forms into 7 identical yellow balls, each with a number of stars emblazoned upon them. The balls then explode in a catastrophic burst of light and sound, hurtling out to the far flung corners of the world. The sounds, ripped directly from the movie, are recorded here for your audio enjoyment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-AYLxNupV8We then cut to a very scientific looking man in the middle of what appears to be a press conference of sorts. It may however be some sort of Hollywood pow-wow, as the crowd seems to be teaming with the biggest and best of Anime elite.
OOOOOOOOOOOOWe can clearly see spike and faye of cowboy bebop fame, as well as Rei and Shinji. On the Far right we can also see what may be the right half of Edward elric's head, apparently still midsts it's ugly divorce proceedings with the left side of his face. The scientist explains that goku's mayo evacuation caused the creation of the dragon balls and that they were now raining down upon the earth like the seven spherical horsemen of the Apocalypse.
We cut to another scene, that of a midget mafioso watching the scientist's announcement on tv. After monologuing about the power of the dragon balls he immediately yells for his lackeys to do "something". The lackeys then open fire on the tv, reducing it to rubble. The reasoning for this is never explained and we find ourselves immediately jumped to another scene. We are shown several quick scenes of a man using a pair of tweezers to arm wrestle a rat's tiny pelvic arm; an unfair contest to say the least and inevitably ending in another mysterious jet of mayo. The man, obviously a doctor of some kind, vows to find a "cure" to the fact that giant flaming balls of power are raining down upon the cities of the earth. Another cut and a momentary image of a scarred criminal escaping jail through the sewers, his purpose, like his shoe size, completely unknown to the viewer.
We then cut again to this home
don't you hate it when your house becomes recursive?An odd construction, being that a smaller version of itself seems to be perched atop it's roof. From this bizarre homage to the architectural talents of Esher escape two girls, one of green hair and another of brown.It is explained, through the thoughtful exposition of their mother that they have gone to a club to pick up boys, making reference to an itch in their pants. Obviously they are seeking aid to help them scratch some sort of genital rash. This scene fades to another of goku and Porco (from porco rosso)standing before a great metal spaceship of truly magical design. It is formed a strange, reflective and texture-less mirror material, in the shape of one of the tiny arms which seem so common amongst these pitiable mutants.
As the Goku and the Manpig admire their dashing star-craft a fleet of black sedans rolls into view. Goku, apparently absent mindedly reading a disclaimer has this to say.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvLLpbwx2RAAs it turns out, the sedans are actually filled with the minions of the Mafioso midget. The midget himself steps out and explains his desire to capture the dragon balls, for some reason attempting to mask his heavy British accent with a laughable Italian one. The brown and green haired girls from before also appear, riding a scooter and expressing their desire to ride goku's "pervert ship" to somewhere where they can "have fun". One can only assume they wish to be ferried to board game land or some other such fanciful planet. Soon both the doctor and the escaped criminal have joined the ranks of the merry crew and the S.S."miniature appendage" launches into the quivering wet heavens.
Immediately upon escaping the confines of earth the mafia thugs open fire upon a wandering pizza boy and the escaped criminal stalks into view, revealing himself to be well over 9 feet tall. Goku, sensing the tension in the air immediately quotes a line from a b-movie, much to the uproarious applause of all. It is directly following this that they strike a meteor and are forced to attempt a landing on the planet "My ass". Goku announces his intentions to "enter My ass", unfortunately "(he) Can't really see anything in My Ass" and there is a "slight irritation in My ass". The spaceship crash lands, embedding itself in a monumental posterior, much to the delight of the planet's all male inhabitants.
I bet they fart glitter and rainbowsWhat comes next is something that frankly confuses this reviewer. It appears to be a male bonding exercise of sorts with much arm wrestling and anal treasure hunting. Appearances are made by Rurouni Kenshin, Ryu from street fighter, inuyasha, and an unknown cowboy.They also do things with q-tips that I can't quite understand.
NOOOOO MY ONLY WEAKNESS!They also proceed to pluck all the body hair from each other during a scene which all the main male characters from One Piece are present. During this the leader of these strange savages engages in a game of treasure hunt with goku, in exchange for a dragonball the savage king controls. Why he would trade such a powerful artifact in exchange for a simple game is beyond me, but we must assume that goku's anus hides the greatest of riches.
Goku mourns the loss of his wealthWe are next shown the daring escape of the crew from their imprisonment. The midget mafioso slips through the bars and leads a dazed guard to insert his third arm into the bars of their cell. Once there the brown haired girl entices the arm with her organic wallet till sprays mayo, which in turn somehow melts the lock. The mafioso exclaims the need for "everyone to get out of My ass". Retrieving goku they bid a hasty retreat and rocket away from the strange and backward planet of "my ass". As they drift, aimlessly, away from the planet we are treated to a strange aside. For several minutes we are shown video of woman being robbed, men thrusting their vestigial limb into the woman's pink coin purse. The exact metaphorical meaning of this interlude is beyond this reviewer, but I can hazard the guess that it is an epic representation of the anti-feminist slant of traditional democracy.
As this aside passes away, we find our motley crew upon a new planet, one inhabited solely by plants taking the form of pelvic arms. No sooner have they landed then the girls are being mugged by the flora and the man are forced to climb an enormous specimen of the arm-shaped plants. One crew member references the jolly green giant for some reason, but I digress. The men attempt to battle the massive protuberance, wrestling with it till it too releases a massive jet of mayonnaise. Thus annoyed, the plants promptly murder 2 crew members and chase the rest back to the ship, roaring with all the might their planty lungs can muster.
alas poor pizza boy, we hardly knew yeImmediately after escaping the plants our fair ship is captured by a great battleship with a prow shaped like an organic wallet. It is then that the two mafia henchmen reveal themselves to be none other then Naruto and sauske in disguise!
THE NINJA GAYS!Seeing the distress of the crew, the doctor pulls from his lab coat a magical potion which transforms him into the too-ripped-to-breathe Ken from Fist of the north star. This seems to be for no reason though, as he fails to actually do anything after his miraculous transformation. While the rest of the crew is stunned by this transformation a chunk of the spaceship crashes inward,crushing the escaped prisoners to death. From the gaping hole in the wall crawls a gundam being ridden by a scantily clad woman.
yeehaw?What follows is a strange scene involving kakashi from naruto, gas masks, various machines, a trapeze, and gas masks again. And then the ship explodes.
The end?
Damn itNow, after reading through the actual plot here, I think you already came to the conclusion that this thing is an epic failure in the realm of eroticism. The actual animation itself is choppy as hell, resembling gif's made from two frames which simply flick back and forth erratically. The voices of every guy and every girl are the same two disinterested British people. This is of course except during the sex interludes where it's just random dubs of Asian women moaning, and never in sync with the mouths on screen. In fact, more then half the time the audio has nothing to do with the mouth movements of the characters, meaning it's either a horrible horrible dub or some sort of cruel joke.
Beyond the gripes of animation I can't say the story makes even the slightest of sense. Goku ejaculates the dragon balls, which somehow end up in space, so he and his band of misfits fly around in a dildo ship gathering them all up again. Characters pop in and out for no reason and often times have no purpose. Goku seems to hang around only to be raped and everyone else seems to fall into the category of red shirt. It does keep you guessing, I'll give it that; You never have even the slightest inclination what the hell is going to happen next.
In the end, this fails utterly as a pornographic film, but what it succeeds as is a brilliant xxx-comedy. It seems that even the voice actors are in on the joke, often commenting under their breath about the inanity of their lines. If nothing else, it is a mind bending and hilarious ride through childhood raping images. I recommend watching it, but only if you're sufficiently fucked up in the head.
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Topic: Piecewise's Heavily illustrated bad movie reviews: Karate Cops Review (finally) (Read 35211 times)