So yeah technical difficulties plague me yet again as my copy of Executive Panda is unsubbed. So, instead of that, you get a movie that might be even worse. It can be watched here
http://www.asian-horror-movies.com/zomb2.php for your personal “enjoyment”.
ZOMBIE SELF DEFENSE FORCE
Before I even being, let me tell you this movie is strange. It’s terribly made and all but it’s also just plain strange. Very little makes sense or even attempts too and you’re left wondering if this was supposed to be a parody or satire. Really, it’s hard to tell if it was serious are not, but the fact that you can’t tell means they did something really really wrong.
Anyways, the movie starts with a big long speech about world war 2 in which some guy talks very defensively about how the war wasn’t japans fault and how they lost lots of people and how the usa bombed them and etc. The voice then goes on to rag on the US for invading middle eastern countries and calls us war mongers before going on about how it likes hamburgers and rock n roll. The entire time a CGI Japanese flag waves in the background. In the end the speech somehow segways into how George A. Romero is a genius and then a flying saucer crashes through the flag. Now, I just have one question for the people who created this intro: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? No, really, what the fuck do you think you’re doing? Did you think that starting a zombie flick with 5 minutes of petulant whining about America was somehow going to make it better? What is the point?
Anyways, the UFO glides around for a while, distracting a bus into a ditch as it does, and we’re introduced to the less then 2 dimensional constructs I guess we could call characters. The first are a group of yakuza, who try to speak Japanese with a Brooklyn accent for some reason. We also have a photographer, a model and some tag alongs and even a small cluster of soldiers who are in the woods for absolutely no reason. The ufo passes overhead and crashes, in plain view of all the characters but no one really seems interesting and goes back to their normal business. The yakuza digs a grave for a body while his boss waxes poetic about lovely the countryside is, especially when you’re doing heroin. Oh and the soldiers allude to the fact that the mountain/forest is supposedly haunted, because the alien crash wasn’t enough I guess. Next Bigfoot will show up riding the loch Ness Monster . The first zombie wanders in, attacking the soldiers who actually do nothing to stop it. I’m completely serious, they just let it walk right up and bite some guy’s throat out before finally deciding to move.
NOOOO MY SINGING CARRER IS RUINED!
Not too surprisingly the body the yakuza were burying gets up and attacks; the entire time this is happening the boss just keeps exclaiming that “This drug trip is awesome!” This scene does actually give us our first unintentionally awesome line though. It also gives us our first look at how terrible the special effects are too, all in one shot. And since we have subtitles I can show you both at once!
Do I really have to say anything?
His boss dead and with legions of the undead literally bursting out of…piles of leaves…the yakuza makes a break for it and heads deeper into the woods. We switch to the photographer and his model, the model is of course an incredible bitch and the photographer wears a white dress shirt with a blue sweater tied around his shoulders because he is the most stereotypical douche bag ever. Luckily he’s eaten almost right away as the model pushes the makeup lady into the slaver mob in order to make her own escape. What a charming character. We are next introduced to a man and his mistress and it turns out that the mistress is pregnant! the guy isn’t too happy about that, what with the fact that the mistress is kinda a bitch (she says that if he doesn’t marry her she’ll sue him and make his life a living hell )and how his wife is rich. We get several moments where he almost kills her before she simply slips and falls, cracking her head on the table and dying. She dies, and I’m serious here, with a “bleh”. She literally looks at the camera and says in a pretty bored voice “bleh”.
Now, this is pretty much the point where shit starts going utterly wacky. The yakuza and the model meet up in the woods and the one female soldier starts getting flashbacks (You know those cliché flashbacks of looking up at a circle of doctors at they operate on you? Yeah, it’s that one) while the husband tries to explain to a corpse how divorce isn’t an easy thing to do. Obviously the mistress reanimates and chases him around a bit before giving us awesome line number 2. To put this in context, he says this directly before bashing her skull in with a chair and shooting her.
No need to be hypocritical!
The soldiers meet up with the yakuza and the model and have a scene. It’s not a funny scene or one that really adds anything to the story or that has good acting or really any of those things. Basically, if you want the gist, the Ufo crash made the Dead rise. Yeah, I know how stupid that sounds but go with it, I swear it gets much worse down the line. The model does what bitches do best and sows unrest within the ranks as the motley band of idiots chance upon the husband and his house…which is in the middle of the woods with no roads anywhere near it. I guess it’s for when you feel like hiking a few miles to you car each morning. It should also be pointed out that the nice hardwood floors in this house are all covered in plastic tarps, probably so as not to muss them up with fake blood. However it’s rather hard to explain, plot wise, why this house is apparently saran wrapped. The husband greats the military and the one girl soldier notices blood on his face. He explains that he was gutting a pig and that they specialize in serving pig with piglets. He however explains it as thus and giggles like a manic
The gravy is served “I cheated on my wife and murdered my mistress” style
After laughing for a little too long the husband points out the phone for the military and the shower for the model. Then, and I’m not making this up, he tucks is hands into the top of his apron and scoots off while yelling “Pew Pew Pew!” I’m not really sure what it means, but I’m growing to like this character simply because of his insanity. Well the phones obviously don’t work and the military stumble upon the dead mistress who’s belly explodes as they approach releasing…oh lord. Releasing a giggling mutant zombie ninja fetus which then strangles the husband with it’s prehensile umbilical cord before partially tearing his eyes out. I want you to savor that sentence a moment, drink in just how insane the ideas within it are. Now, with that in mind, consider that someone actually ok’d this script and decided to spend thousands or even million s of dollars on it. Now, as that realization eats away your mind I want you to attempt not to wet yourself and look at this picture.
I know it’s grainy and out of focus, I know it’s not super easy to see, but that dear friends is the end of the universe. This one instant, this image, this idea marks the zenith of all reality and everything afterwards is simply a ever hastening decent into clawing madness and formless screaming chaos.
Ahem, anyway, the husband holds the obviously fake baby against his head and yells unconvincingly as the military stands there with big dumb looks on their faces for something like a minute. When they do finally draw their weapons the baby flips around like a cirque du soleil member on meth and evades them all till miss “vagina with a gun” grabs it by the cord and power slams it to the floor. The baby manages to escape and fly toward the showers as the group, except for the nerdy soldier, give chase. The husband reanimates and attacks the nerdy soldier, who grunts and gasps a lot more like a woman mid orgasm then a man mid fight. His efforts to defend himself prove unsuccessful (though, with your eyes closed, distressingly arousing) and he has to be rescued by some of the other soldiers. Meanwhile the evil baby wanks while watching the model ( not kidding) and manages to bite the yakuza before it is shot. More zombies show up outside and GI jane proves herself the only one with a functioning brainstem by actually closing some doors. Unfortunately this only sort of works as the mistress resurrects again and wanders in to fight the female soldier. Geisha with a gun manages to re-re-kill the mistress but gets knocked out in the process. She flashes back again and it’s implied that the nerdy soldier is one of the doctors operating on her. Turns out the zombies reanimated AGAIN so this time they actually had the forethought to tie the fuckers up.
One big happy family
Stuff just kinda happens for a while, general zombie stuff of internal conflict between survivors, but it can be best summed up like this: Model acts a bitch and causes turmoil, yakuza starts to change and The Girl acts confused. This continues until the military finally decides to make a break for the husband’s car. While they run for it the predictable happens, eg the yakuza turns and attacks the last remaining soldier while the model runs and hides. Outside the military fights off the endless hordes, with the female soldier wielding a katana they just happened to have laying around. Because you know how it is in japan, every house has at least one Katana. Shit goes inevitably badly and everyone except the girl and nerdy guy die, and nerdy guy ends up bitten. Inside the zombie yakuza and the soldier end up shooting each other and…honestly, I’m beginning to feel like I’m describing a weird videogame or something here. I mean, zombie yakuza and ninja babies? It’s like comicon of the dead. Well, through a series of unlikely events, an inordinate amount of panty shots and some downright goofiness we finally end up here, with the model being eaten/molested by the two men she was messing with. It’s poetic but also a little creepy, like most Japanese porn.
Vore and Guro in one picture, the japanese are pleased.
Oh and as if all this wasn’t quite insane enough, before he dies we find out that the girl soldier is actually a cyborg, created as a prototype for super soldiers that would be sent to the us for a “rematch” of WWII. Yeah, that’s right, a “rematch” for WWII. Would you like to bang your head against a wall with me? Because I can’t honestly comprehend how stupid that is. My eyebrows are on fire with this blistering insanity. Well yeah…I’m not really sure how to follow that revelation. Um…Oh yes, remember how the mountain was haunted? Out of the woods comes a screaming psychotic WWII zombie wielding a sword, because why not I guess. So they fight and fight and fight and it’s not very interesting because it is terribly shot and choreographed and…it’s just plain stupid. It’s not even that special type of stupid that becomes awesome, no it’s just stupid. During this the borg queen soldier girl actually finds the crashed ship and the alien pilot.
Aw it’s so…
Yeah, saw that coming.
And then…oh god I don’t know
This shit is bananas, this shit is flaming armadillo bananas made of yogurt, this shit is…it’s rather nonsensical. Nothing makes sense, nothing is consistent and the story is so brimming with cliché that it somehow becomes it’s own unique pile of madness. I can’t even begin to contemplate the story, which I would call overtly racist if not made by the Japanese themselves. I mean, sending cyborgs to have a “rematch” with america? Like WWII was just some big game of foozeball and now the Japanese want best 2 of 3. Beyond that the actual scenes are mostly just terrible, with the occasional chuckle worthy oddball moment being rare at best. The only thing that keeps you watching is morbid curiosity, to see what blisteringly crazy turn the movie will take next. It’s a train wreck of epic proportions and I must say that it was at least entertaining in a way. If you’re going to watch this turn your brain off. In fact, turn it lower then off, turn it to about -3, and just try and watch.
Ahhh…well, that’s all for me, till next week.
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Topic: Piecewise's Heavily illustrated bad movie reviews: Karate Cops Review (finally) (Read 35217 times)