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THE DEVIL WITH 7 FACES
The Devil has 7 Faces is one of those titles that just left me scratching my head. Its not like Zombie honeymoon, which lets you know exactly what you’re going to get and yet it’s not like Space Knight, a movie that is a pile of lies dressed up in my shattered dreams. No, its one of those odd movies where the title sounds vaguely artsy while the description sounds like bad porn. And when I say artsy I mean artsy in the same sense that My Lonesome Cowboy by Takashi Murakami was artsy.
As I hit the menu screen for the dvd I’m surprised that not only is it insanely cheap, the box art over a generic blue sky and clouds background, but also vaguely distressing. The background sound is a generic suspense song with random bits of xylophone and semi-sexual screams of pain and terror. It doesn’t get much better as the movie heads into the credits, a generic trip through an unnamed city while some apparently intoxicated woman sings “Do-Do-Do” and “na-na-na-NAAAAA-nana” like they were using an intern as a synthesizer.
The film proper begins as a woman, wearing what I can only describe as a swimsuit covered in a gown of plastic wrap and glitter, runs from a random assailant. After a short chase the man corners the woman and then proceeds to take two photographs of her, causing her to faint. We then cut to an entirely new scene without any explanation of what the hell just happened or why this woman is apparently rendered unconscious by exposure to Polaroids. In the new scene we’re introduced to some blonde woman who apparently spends her days translating papers and ignoring her secretary. The in-so-far unnamed woman gets a call from her sister in London; the fact that the caller is her sister and that she’s calling from London is something the woman is happy to loudly repeat a few times for no reason before answering the phone. Whatever the limey bird has to say really surprises blondie who says it would be best to continue the conversation on her home phone. Now, she gives her phone number but I must admit it genuinely perplexes me because the entire number is just “8971”, So, apparently, in 1971 there were less then 10,000 phones in the entire world.
Well the sister who we find out is named Mary unexpectedly hangs up, leaving her sister looking…well plastic. Really I mean it, she has this magical emptiness of emotion about her, like a mannequin or a lump of extremely apathetic peat moss. While she’s practicing her vacant stare the “suspenseful” music cuts in and we’re shown a man in a suit slowly sneaking through the hall with a knife in his hand, but we aren’t shown his face. The woman is just about to leave the office as the door knob turns and we are confronted with a crazed, knife wielding….gorilla?
Well of course
No, as it turns out its something much worse: an annoying Asian stereotype who proceeds to giggle and slur about how the knife and mask were on sale and how he’s a “Grate Arority orn horroar storahies”. The woman calls him an idiot and he says he is “Most sorrah, Most Sorrah”. And then the scene changes without any examination . So far this seems to be a pattern, having some generic scene full of unnamed people before ending with some sort of bizarre situation before a sudden cut to the next scene. It puts me in the same mind set as seeing a naked midget run by yodeling complex math problems, eg confused, perplexed and slightly aroused annoyed.
In this next scene we’re introduced to a lawyer and his suspicious friend. Blondie wanders in and tells the lawyer that someone is threatening her sister Mary and that she feels like she’s being spied on. Exactly why she decided that a lawyer was the correct person to come to rather then say, the police, we’ll never know. Throughout the conversation the suspicious friend listens from in another room while doing his best “blank yet evil” expression. The conversation ends abruptly in that it doesn’t really end at all, the scene just sorta changes. One minute the Lawyer is asking her if she knows who might be spying on her and the next she’s gone and captain stalky is in the room making small talk. Then we see the woman struggling with an assailant and then in come the lawyer and captain stalky to mildly annoy the would be kidnappers and get punched in the stomach. Right now it’s literally feeling like I accidentally skipped a chapter or something, there are big chunks of time and conversation seemingly missing.
The scene ends there, or should I say the background just changes. The conversation seems to keep going like nothing happened, though they do make reference to the change of scenery. Following the logic I assume the movie is trying to convey they left the office and went to Blondie’s apartment or house or whatever. But this would mean that they didn’t say anything during the time driving there, they just sat in absolute silence and then picked the conversation back up instantly once they got to the house. Well, ignoring their apparent ability to teleport, Blondie explains that Mary is her twin sister but that they don’t really get along. She also reveals that the sisters were raised by a nurse name Gretel. Now, if you’re like me you’ve already guessed two things: that people are trying to kidnap blondie because they’ve mistaken her for her sister and that they’re probably going to use the same actress to play both parts because they’re cheap bastards.
Well, as they’re talking they hear a noise and upon investigation find that someone has broke into the house but fled before they could be discovered. Judging by the dirty footprints he left the intruder wandered about 3 steps into the house before simply ceasing to exist, since there are only a handful of prints and only leading in one direction. Despite the revelation that the criminals know where she lives and that they can easily break in Blondie refuses to leave her house because it was where she told her sister to call her. Now, I’m no expert on telephone technology but I’m reasonably sure that answering machines had been invented at this point. Couldn’t she just leave a message like, “Hi, I’m not here right now because I’m being chased by armed psychos because my sister is a twat-racket. If this is Mary, you can reach me at….” and then go hide at a hotel? It just plain doesn’t make sense! Does she just have no survival instinct? Is she actually just a talkative end table with agoraphobia? Before we can question it any more the scene changes yet again.
You know those little toys you used to have as a kid? The ones that looked like little binoculars with those little paper disks that had slides on them? How you’d pull the little handle on the side and change the slide with a ‘Click’? That’s what the transitions in this movie feel like, just random cuts with not fades or wipes. Well the Lawyer and captain stalky decide that they’re just going to leave Blondie alone rather then trying to help or even calling the police. Oh but Stalky gives her his phone number, so all she has to do is call him while she’s being murdered and then wait 45 minutes for him to show up so that he can get punched in the stomach again. We’ll assume that the Lawyer has returned to drinking in a desperate attempt to retard himself down to their level. Oh and apparently both stalky and the Lawyer both want to get into Blondie’s pants because…because she has a vagina and I guess that’s all she’s good for in this film. And then the scene changes to Blondie just sitting in a chair for 30 seconds while nothing happens. And then it changes to a car zooming past and we find out that stalky is a race car driver apparently.
Ok, seriously, what the fuck is going on here? Am I just having blackouts and missing parts of the film or something? Now stalky is a race care driver? The back of the box says he’s a detective! Ok, whatever, Its better not to ask I’m sure. Well Stalky calls up Blondie and sexually harasses her for a while until she agrees to come watch him race.
What do you mean “you put on your robe and wizard hat”?
There’s a scene where Stalky and Blondie wander around the race track just looking at shit, but its entirely pointless so we’ll move on to the next abrupt scene change where we find the Lawyer wandering through Blondie’s office, apparently exuding lounge music wherever he goes. He wanders into the secretary’s office looking for blondie, declaring that he’d like to take her to diner. When the secretary tells him she’s out he promptly asks the secretary out because, once again, she has a vagina and apparently that’s all that matters.
Hi, My name is Lawyer Mcdaterape. My hobbies include raping you, chloroform, raping you, drinking scotch and raping you.
Well the next scenes involve boats, sandwiches and soft core porn, in that order, while the lounge music remains a constant. There doesn’t seem to be much of a point to this scene either, except to show that the Lawyer loves him some vagina. Next on our continuing tour of abrupt and pointless scenes is one in which Stalky and Blondie has a conversation that can best be summarized thusly:
Stalky: Well, here’s your house. Now invite me in for Booze and Vagina.
Blondie: No thanks
Stalky: Hey, what about women’s lib? I thought protesting for basic human rights just meant that women had too much spare vagina sitting around and wanted the freedom to hand it out at random.
Blondie: OHNOES look! Someone is in my house! Why didn’t I just call the police.
Me: Yeah, why didn’t you call the police you dumb bitch?
Stalky: (actual line from the movie here) it’s too late for the police.
Me: What the hell does that even mean?
Well shit happens, they go inside and Stalky gets his ass kicked, Blondie gets pseudo-raped, two police man show up for no reason and one gets shot as the crooks flee. The other policeman kills one of the crooks and goes to check on his partner when stalky, for no reason whatsoever knocks him out and drags Blondie away. The two once again teleport through the magic of abrupt scene changes and end up at the lawyer’s office. The lawyer, once again showing himself to be the only person in this film with even the slightest bit of common sense, points out that Stalky is an idiot for hitting the policeman and tells them that they should have just gone to the police in the first place. More scene changes, the introduction of a suspicious police chief and random occurrences of lounge music continue for several minutes. To sum it up, stalky helps blondie find a house and still can’t get vagina while the Lawyer grills the secretary for details about Blondie. These are interspersed amongst about 5-6 other entirely useless scenes including a 30 second shot of a parked car. Eventually we get to a scene of Blondie walking around her house, hearing noises and seeming not to care.
Now, the really weird part is that, as she goes into a dark area she uses her lighter to light the way. Now, this is the first time she actually used her lighter, every other time she smoked someone else lit the cigarette for her. Its easy to see why because when she flicks her lighter it shoots a jet of fire a foot and a half into the air! Its just a little BIC disposable lighter but it’s spewing flame like a bulimic dragon.
I guess its for those people who want to light cigarettes and burn their eyebrows off all in one fell swoop.
Well after wandering around in the dark, being scared by that cliché tribal mask that seems to lurk in all attics and finding the body of her land lady Blondie runs down stairs into the arms of Stalky, who just happened to be standing outside her front door. Just standing there. Not moving, not knocking, not at all indicating that he wants to be let in, just standing there. His name becomes increasingly prophetic as the movie continues it seems. Well Stalky goes to look for the land lady who has vanished and then the scene abruptly ends with any resolution. I’m beginning to feel that saying “the scene ends abruptly” is rather redundant. There have been no transitions in this entire movie, just sudden jarring cuts from one seemingly pointless scene to another. For instance, remember that asian guy in the mask? He never shows up again! The hell was the point of that?
Anyways, an insurance rep shows up and tells The Lawyer that Mary stole the diamond and that they want Blondie to convince her to return it. But of course, they don’t want cops to be involved. Why, might I ask, don’t the insurance people want cops involved? I don’t know and the movie isn’t going to tell us so we’ll press on. After that seen we have several more minutes of blank, flavorless paste, followed by tedium and topped off with dullness. Although I did learn that in Holland a telephone is called a “telefoon” which really does sound like a bad joke but I swear it’s not. Oh and this
Never knew Holland was into cosplay
I just…I dunno. Seriously what the fuck is that? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? A giant blue wig that has never been used before and will never be used again? Why? Is there some point to making her look like a random anime girl? I know this was made in the 70’s so everyone was high out of their minds but seriously guys? I’m not even sure what she said during this scene, I was to busy being aghast. I mean, they’re trying to portray this as a serious crime drama and then in comes this! Imagine if, during the Dark Knight, Commissioner Gordon came in wearing a bright green spiky wig and no one said anything about it and it was never shown again. You’d think you just had a minor brain aneurism and were hallucinating. But here, oh here, they do it with a straight face. Wait, what the fuck is that?
American hotel? There’s a Hotel in Holland just called “American Hotel”? Am I high? Did one of you rascals slip something into my drink? American hotel? Oh wait, wait, maybe it was designed to follow classic American architecture.
No, that would be a fucking castle. Do we have any fucking medieval castles in America? Let me look real fast. No…doesn’t seem like they’re too common here. Oh and guess what? The hotel plays NO part in any of this. Nope, none, not even a little. So why show it to us? I’ve given up on expecting actual logic from this movie so let’s just keep going.
So Stalky goes to pick up the diamond that Mary stole so that it can be returned but low and behold he’s being followed. Not only that but the shady looking insurance agent who didn’t want the police involved is one of the villains! It might have been a bit more surprising if he hadn’t looked and acted like a gangster since the beginning. A chase ensues in which Stalky some how slips into another car and gets away, leaving his dummy driver to get shot to death. Mean while Blondie and a fat guy sit around in uncomfortable silence and read porn.
That wasn’t a joke
Anyways, it turns out that Stalky is actually Mary’s husband, come to get the diamond back. I know it seems like I’m springing that out of nowhere but that’s because the movie does the same thing. There’s no foreshadowing for this, other then the fact that stalky looks kinda creepy. So I guess Stalky is evil now and he’s holding Blondie’s head underwater, trying to get her to tell him where the diamond is. And then everything goes crazy. Stalky gets shot by some random guy, fat guy gets shot, Blondie gets kidnapped, the Lawyer doesn’t seem to give a damn and the police are everywhere. I honestly can’t tell you how it happened since I don’t know who 90% of these people are or who is a good guy. Blondie ends up being taken to a windmill and almost raped before Captain stalky comes to save the day, apparently unfazed by the bullet lodged in his lung. And then he gets crushed by a bulldozer.
What?
And it turns out that Blondie was Mary all along
WHAT?
And the diamond was in her cigarette box the whole time
WHAT?!
Then it ends.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Arbitrary nonsense, that is the best way I can describe this movie. Everything is just shot in the dark, flawed logic and seemingly unrelated bullshit abounds and everyone just seems so uninterested in everything. How was Stalky doing car races if he was really a criminal? The hell did that fat guy have to do with anything? What about that random asian stereotype in the gorilla mask who shows up once and never again? Who the heck were the two guys who killed the fat guy and shot Stalky? Why didn’t the police do a fucking thing? Why in gods name did they decide to say that Blondie was Mary at the end? It makes no sense and changes NOTHING! It was just a meaningless twist added for the sake of being a twist ending! Worse yet it’s one of those twists that you see coming and just tell yourself “no, no, that’s way too stupid, there’s no way they’d do that.” But they do, they do and I hate them for it.
To summarize, the first two thirds of this movie is just boring and the last bit is a confusing mess. Also, now that I think of it, what the fuck does the title have to do with anything? The devil has 7 faces? Where the hell did that come into play? Or even better, what the fuck is up with the box art.
It just shows Blondie quite literally hulking out and for the life of me I can’t remember her ever making that face. They even have a shot of the gorilla mask, because we all know that that played a major part in the movie. I also love how, in the blurb on the back, it says that the actress plays “duel roles” of both blondie and Mary. NO SHE DOES NOT. All they do is switch names! At the end no less! This movie is a lie, a boring, confused, insulting lie of a film and I hope it rots in the deepest depths of my movie cesspool.
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