I want you to look at this cover. Just look at it.
What does that look like to you? To me it looks like some shitty action movie spat out by my nemesis Echo Bridge Entertainment just to get themselves another quick buck. I mean, look at the tag line, “One man’s quest is another man’s destiny”. Exactly what does that mean? It’s just epic nonsense, like the tag lines for almost all action movies; it’s the sort of thing you expect to find emblazoned across a close up of Arnold Schwarzenegger face, framed with images of Vikings slaying flaming mountain lions from space. Well, I can tell you what this cover is: it’s a menagerie of falsehood, a cornucopia of dishonesty, a fetid pile of lies!
Star knight is not some low budget american b-movie made by the Sci-Fi channel in the early 2000’s but a low budget Mexican romantic-action-comedy made by a studio no-one has ever heard of nearly a quarter century ago. Nothing that you can see on this cover actually makes an appearance in the film. There are no knights (in that armor) no glowing swords or little fighter craft, no epic battles and it all takes place on earth. Now, once you get over that particular wave of disappointment you can get into the movie itself, which has plenty of other reasons to be disappointed.
The movie begins with this little excerpt, however notice the source it supposedly comes from.
The book “Secret of Secrets” is actually an Islamic book about proper etiquette for worship and faith, not exactly the place where one expects to find information about pagan alchemical studies. It makes me wonder if maybe I’ve got the wrong book, or more likely the film makers just made it up without actually checking to see if it was a real book.
Next come the credits, where about half the people credited are named Jose. I’m not even joking or being racist, on practically every set of names there is at least one named Jose, sometimes more then one.
Maybe they had to do a lot of gardening.
It’s almost like I’m missing a joke here, I mean, doesn’t the name “Jose Antonio Sanchez” sound made up? Its like if everyone in an American movie was named Bob Smith. I’m beginning to think that they never actually took the names of the people working there so they just made them up for the credits.
The movie proper begins with a Witch doctor who, to me, looks an awful lot like a Mexican Garry Busey, trying to summon god. I’m not kidding, he’s actually using a magic circle to try and summon the Christian god and force him to send an angel to divulge the secrets of the universe.
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Hey god, you know where my car keys are?
Am I the only one who finds this really out of place and awkward? Like a crucifix with Mohammad on it or satan handing out easter eggs. I mean, the whole magic circle summoning thing seems more at home with demons or at least the great old ones or other things from beyond the stars, not with the “I am” god of the bible.
Well it appears that the summoning worked as light pours into the Mystic’s room from outside. Admittedly he could have just accidentally summoned a spotlight but I suppose we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. However Mystic Busey seems completely unfazed, even bored by this miracle and proceeds to just stand there until the light fades away.
That can’t be good for your eyes
It seems that the movie is equally disinterested and quickly cuts to a much more entertaining scene of a man trying to get a goat to jump off a cliff. If you can’t see the natural connection from summoning deities to goading a goat to leap off a precipice then I guess you’re just an idiot.
Just jump, what do you have to live for? You’re a goat.Well, through the magic of the rewind button we see the goat “fall” into the air, sucked up by an off screen spaceship which the goat herder instantly calls a dragon. Through a quick montage we see how word of the dragon passes from farmer to milk maid to…beard petter?
[pref_string:beards]I swear the entire time she’s talking she just keeps running her hand down that guy’s face. Not like just the chin but his whole face, and he spends the entire time looking like he just had a stroke. Even odder then that is one peasant’s claim that the “dragon” “flew 1000 times faster then 1000 eagles”. Exactly what does that even mean? That’s the sort of math problem that keeps me up at night. Does it mean that the dragon’s speed is equal to or greater then 1000 times the combined top speed of 1000 randomly selected eagles? Does it mean that if we hot glued a thousand eagles into a big ball that the dragon would be faster then that amalgam of feathers, talons and rage?
Well, regardless of the answer to that problem, the peasants are understandably pissed about the whole dragon eating goats thing so they start demanding that the soldiers get off their lazy ass and get to slaying. The actual conversation between the peasants and the lead soldier is as funny as it is stupid, and as such shall be recorded here.
Peasant: “Slay the dragon!”
Knight: “What are you talking about?”
Another peasant: We’re talking about the dragon!”
Peasant mob: “Yeah!”
Yet another peasant: “About the dragon!”
Peasant mob: “Yeah!”
Knight: “Dragon?”
Peasant: “Yes, a dragon!”
Peasant mob: “Yeah!”
Another Peasant: “Dragon!”
Peasant mob: “Yeah!”
Yet another peasant: “DRAGON!”
Peasant mob: “Yeah!”
This goes on for something like 3 minutes before the mob threatens not to pay taxes anymore until the dragon gets slewed. The main soldier, showing himself to be a master negotiator, promptly signals his mounted soldiers to charge the mob, reducing everything to a melee. It’s during this melee that about 15 armored, mounted soldiers are thrashed by about 30 unarmed peasants, and a tax collector is toppled, much to the enjoyment of all.
The main soldier, ironically named Klever (pronounced ‘clever‘), runs back to whine to the Count about how the peasants are bullying him and how he should be knighted because then they would respect him. The Count tells him that he’ll knight him when he stops acting like a complete idiot. It’s here we find out that Klever is supposed to be a comic foil, but only sort of. It seems as though half of what Klever does is just plain silly while the other half is unintentional stupidity on his (and the writer’s) behalf. Well, sticking with his comic foil habits, Klever wants to put his little lance in the count’s daughter Alba. Alba has odd taste in clothing, as you can see here with her queenly attire of a grey sweatshirt and…net?
All the fashionable heads of state wear fishing gearThe next few scenes aren’t really even worth talking about because they’re pretty much copy pasted out of ANY sort of movie like this: The count is old, the count keeps his daughter locked up, the daughter wants to go find her true love and the count is old. We’re also introduced to father Dickface, a priest who hates the witch doctor because the witch doctor actually gets noticeable results from his rituals. Dickface and Klever are in the same boat of being undecided characters languishing somewhere between comedic relief and inept villain. We’ll see more of them later but for now we have to check off the next thing on the cliché list: the daughter running away from her oppressive father with her uppity lady in waiting in tow.
As they make their escape they blunder across the movie’s only true comic foil, the green knight. The green knight is an awful lot like the black knight of monty python fame. Oh no, he’s not funny and his scene isn’t iconic or clever, but he is guarding a bridge just like the black knight.
Bolly!Well the green knight has some lines…none of which are even slightly amusing and the princess and her lady in waiting wander by without instance. Almost immediately after bypassing the meekest knight in history the princess spies a lake and, for no real reason, strips naked and jumps in. The lady in waiting, without much else to do, screams her lungs out about how an angry minnow or perturbed sloth might come and carry the princess off.
Not the time to practice your yodeling It turns out that the lady in waiting was actually completely correct however as the princess only gets about 5 feet before getting sucked into the murky depths. The lady in waiting runs back to the Count, who tells Klever to rescue his daughter while Father Dickface vomits fire and brimstone
God damns the one who ate my last ice cream sandwich! The army mounts up and heads out, crossing the green knight’s bridge while he pees in a bush. Once again, he has lines, but they’re not even worth listening to.
You thought I was kidding about that pee in a bush part huh?Klever rows out into the middle of the lake and demands the “dragon” joust with him in order to rescue the princess. Well it goes about as well as can be expected and Klever ends up in the lake as the alien craft slowly wanders off with a definitive lack of urgency.
CURSES!The Count, fearing the worst, demands his subject’s wear black and attend a mass for his daughter. Now, when I say he demands it, I mean he basically threatens them with violence if they don’t come. And if they do come? Well then they just get prodded in the spine with spears the whole time.
Ancient equivalent of a shotgun wedding? The priest, unsurprisingly, spews more hatred and fear mongering before beginning a rant about how the princess is gone and how it’s all the sinners fault and how we can never have her back and Oh look the princess is back.
Ruin my entire speech why don't yaI kid you not the priest actually says “JESUS CHRIST!” and smacks the pulpit. Well more stuff happens, the priest get’s his habit in a twist and Alba tells the witch doctor about what she saw in the lake. As it turns out, what she saw in the lake was Miguel Bose (a Grammy award winning Latin American music artist) looking an awful lot like a combination of Ivan Drago, David Bowie and Prince.
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The priest talks Klever into united against the witch doctor and basically against the count as they try to gain power, however considering their track record its probably not really an issue. The witch doctor heads out to try and locate the alien, believing him to be an angel, and bypasses the green knight, a character who is continuing to be equal parts pointless and unfunny. Well the witch doctor actually does find the alien ship, in the middle of a ditch of all places, and just wanders in unabated. Once inside he meets up with the alien and the alien gives him a…snow globe?
If you shake it it plays "Space Oddity"I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to be. I know what it is, it is about 12 dollars worth of plastic, but I still don't know what it’s supposed to be. His trinket in hand The witch doctor returns to the castle where the Princess badgers him about seeing the alien again. It seems she has been smitten by the alien's eye liner and now wants to run away with him. The witch doctor tries to explain to Alba exactly why she’s a complete idiot but the princess seems to have been struck with “Love conquers all” syndrome and is blatantly ignoring reality and reason. Luckily the Count has her locked in her room for her own protection.
The witch doctor promises the count that, with his new alien snow globe, he can give the count back his youth. We now find out that the ball is the alien version of wikipedia, giving the witch doctor all the info he needs to make the elixir. Actually all it does is project an image of a bottle, but that’s close enough right?
It's a lot like star wars, only it's really shittyWith the knowledge of what a bottle is safe in his mind the witch doctor begins work on the potion immediately. Little does he know that a visitor is climbing the castle walls.
Major tom?Yes, it’s good old ziggy stardust, here to stalk the princess a bit more; my best guess is that he was hoping for a little late night probing. It’s also here that we find out that the alien’s voice sounds a lot like a slide whistle underwater. Yeah, it’s exactly as annoying as it sounds. Anyways, this is also when we see that Klever is getting a suit of ridiculous looking armor from the gayest blacksmith in the world. I’m not kidding, the guy could only act gayer if he was in assless chaps. Well princess bitchesalot whines that the alien never kisses her and the alien calmly explains that he can’t breath the air on earth and that removing his suit would be fatal. The princess counters by not believing him and bitching. This sets the stage for the rest of the movie, where the alien tries to be nice, the princess bitches and the alien rolls his eyes at her stupidity.
Unfortunately Klever happens upon the bitchfest and tries to kill the alien. Of course he fails, being that it takes nearly all of Klever’s brain power not to wet himself continuously, but does manage to alert the guards. The alien, channeling every kungfu movie he’s ever seen, flips over the guards and runs away like a sissy, the princess in tow.
Alley-oopA chase ensues, complete with out of place slapstick and the princess and her Extraterrestrial stalker manage to get away in his ship, which is probably the intergalactic equivalent of a plain white pedo van.
Thats just plain unfairWell shit royally hit’s the fan now as Father Dickface and Klever try to blame the witch doctor for the alien abductions, but the count, showing surprisingly good judgment, tells them to shove it up their collective asses. He does overcompensate a bit and offer up Alba’s hand in marriage and half his land if anyone can rescue her though. Father Dickface and Klever decide to attack and arrest The witch doctor on their own, smashing up his lab and destroying the finished elixir, but not before the Witch Doctor can smuggle some in his…pentagram flask. I’m not sure what to make of this scene really, especially considering Catholicism’s big influence in Latin culture. Perhaps Father Dickface is a biting satire on the inherent conflict between faith and science? Or on the oppression and fear that organized religion tends to promote? The bastard even hits angelic cats!
Why would you hit me? I died for your sins!Klever wanders across the wikipedia snow globe and somehow gets it to tell him how to remove the alien’s indestructible armor before Father Dickface smashes it; kind of a major oversight on the alien’s part to leave that information in there. Invigorated by their actions Klever and dickface decide to overthrow the Count and lock him in his room while they take control of the castle. We then get about 5 minutes of slapstick and gags about how Klever is sleepy. It comes out of nowhere, has no purpose and is never mentioned again, making me wonder if there were scenes cut somewhere. Its not just like a comical aside or anything, its literally so out of no where with no lead in, explanation or anything that it seems as though I’ve skipped ahead and am seeing things out of order. After that bit of pointlessness Klever and Dickface force The Witch Doctor to show them where the “dragon” is so that they can fight it.
We encounter the green knight again, who this time at least manages a few chuckle worthy lines, if only because they’re delivered in a high pitched, exasperated tone.
Aren’t there any other bridges around here?!We get treated to another scene of the princess whining and moaning about how the alien (Named “IX”) can’t take off his helmet. Just to give you an idea of how annoying she is, I’ll transcribe some of the conversation.
Princess:That horrid helmet, do you never take it off?
IX: (Slide whistle noise)
Princess: (In whining tone) Yes, I know *sigh and rolls eyes* you can’t breathe the same air as me
IX: (Slide whistle noise)
Princess: (Bitchy tone) you think I’m going to believe all that?
IX: (Slide whistle noise)
Princess: (snobby tone) Of course you can breathe the same air. You’re from the sky, you can do anything.
IX: (Slide whistle noise)
Princess: (exasperated) I’m fed up with you saying “I can’t”
It’s freaking annoying isn’t it? Imagine your significant other being like that.
Them: Just eat the cake.
You: I’m Diabetic
Them: Yes, I know.
You: Then why do you keep asking me to eat the dang cake?
Them: Because I don’t believe you. You’re from California, you can eat cake.
You: That doesn’t even make sense! And I still can’t eat that cake.
Them: I’m fed up with you saying I can’t!
God damn bitch.
Anywhoo, Klever and Dickface arrive and Klever challenges the alien to a jousting match, threatening to kill the witch doctor if IX uses any sort of “magic”. Alba, being the increasingly annoying bitch that she is, whines insistently about IX needing to prove his love by jousting. IX, apparently finally getting the hint that Alba is severally annoying decides to just kick her out rather then fight. Klever is determined to continue though and promptly attacks the spaceship, smacking it with a lance and mace and generally making a fool of himself before the space ship takes off.
I hath tamed the dragon! Oh Shit! *crash* I hath fallen on my ass!With IX gone the marry band of assholes, bitches and douche bags all head for town only to encounter the alien riding a horse and wielding a lance! (there’s an odd sentence eh?)
Hi-Ho Lightning bolt!Battle ensues and Klever gets his ass kicked, though IX does the worst backflip ever.
Well thats an odd image isn't it?Unfortunately Klever manages to wrestle IX to the ground and remove his suit, which instantly teleports onto Klever.
NO! my left nipple is cold!Well the predicable happens, The witch doctor uses the little bit of the elixir he has to bring IX back to life (and somehow make is so he can breathe our air) and Klever and Dickface accidentally shoot themselves into space using the armor to control the spaceship. IX and the princess get together and apparently everyone thinks IX is a saint because his head also functions as a night-light.
He ground up and huffed tinkerbell[/i][/center]
And everyone lives happily ever after. Everyone except us.
So how does Star Knight stack up? Mostly as inconsistent. It’s not a terrible movie but it’s just plain weird. It keeps jumping from comedy to drama to love story and it’s supposed villains are so inept that they provide about as much actual conflict as a raisin bagel. It’s one of those movies that doesn’t feel like wasting 2 hours but like losing 2 hours, just a bizarre 80’s blackout that leaves you with no real memories or feelings whatsoever. But what really takes the cake is the god damn lying cover in all of it’s false glory. GOD DAMN YOU ECHO BRIDGE AND YOUR LIES! GOD DAMN YOU!
Well, anyways, my next review is the infamous “Space Mutiny” another Echo Bridge masterpiece. I’ll see you next time.
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Topic: STAR KNIGHT! A bad movie review with lots of pictures (Read 4945 times)