Okay.
I'll bite.
I'm worried my girlfriend who I won't see for two weeks is asking around for "professionals" behind my back, which I wouldn't be surprised about, I've battled with my family about it before, counselors I ended up talking to on a nominal level or just ended up getting so agitated about absolutely nothing interesting going on that when something did they would jump at it and I would bugger out because it happened every damn time.
Psychologists I worry about because in a way, I aspire to delve into the human mind, and try and find out why people who are constantly depressed can't use logic to reason away why they should be more happy with life than displeased with it. Because I'm a torrent of inner chaos that can't deal with problems from the past but on a regular basis tell all of my friends to deal with the present and get on with life when I still can't myself.
My girlfriend has been acting weird, now normally I wouldn't even mention this, this is normal, yeah sure, dismiss it, but it's bugging the crap out of me so I suspect it's probably the way she's being weird rather than the fact. I can't talk to her on the level I did before I was stabbed. She worries more. I'm getting treated like a dependent despite the fact I'm the most self-capable person I can pick in my own proverbial mind's eye without point out the obvious answer or "my father", who I secretly idolize simply because he's won his war with life, he's a grown man settling out of his last stage of the working man's life, hopefully on his way to retirement by the end of this decade, maybe a bit later, and that he's pretty much the only person I've come to constantly rely on for any amount of time longer than a few months.
I feel like I'm drifting apart from everyone I know, and the ones I don't I feel are smothering me, and not in the usual way either.
Despite work being eased up on me because (in my paranoid opinion) I feel I'm being pitied by every single last person on earth, I can't, I simply can't, rest easy, I must level down upon my person as much work as possible until one gear or cog breaks and I fall apart at the seams.
Only I'm not falling apart, I keep going and going, and I never stop, I never let my feelings out, I lock them away and I grind on, the inner rage I keep in a metaphorical box only get's let out when I do my weekend thing and find an outlet in something or another, usually my dogged boxing which I'm worried I can't do anymore because of pressure from my friends and family.
I'm worried I lash out and commit myself to acts of violence in a controlled environment (boxing, violent video games, overtly dangerous situations being a new one, though entirely on accident) and I honestly don't know what to do with myself on the matter.
And most of all I'm worried because all of this doesn't seem to be breaking that emotional gate and letting me break down so I can tell the world what makes me tick, and what I really want to say but never will, no matter how much you pry and me, let me just tell you this.
If you want in, your gonna have to pry this key out of my cold dead hands.
And that's all I have to say. Because I won't say it to anyone around here either.