I want you to look at this picture carefully.
You see that image of a generically handsome and muscular man who is walking slowly through an utterly empty environment with his shirt off for no reason? Yeah, that pretty much sums up, no joke, about 1/2 of this movie. Don't believe me? This is from, no joke, about 15 seconds later.
Honestly, my Douche bag meter just broke and we're literally only a minute into this film. Well we find out that the first shirtless generic bastard is named jessie while the asian shirtless generic bastard is named "Chain-gang" and the aviator wearing generic shirtless bastard is named "Auto". No, not "Otto" but "Auto." Once again, only a minute in here. Well asian and alpha douche give poor jessie a hard time after nearly running him down with their car, teasing him for having a college degree or some such. Its also about now, amidst Jessie's narration, that we find out that every actor on here delivers his lines in a completely disinterested monotone.
Well jessie wanders off and monologues some more about how his dad is dead and how he owns a garage; we get flash backs where he's apparently exactly the same age, only he's wearing a shirt. Honestly it's hard to take it seriously with his shirt off for no adequate reason, I keep expecting the Levi's brand logo to pop up and reveal this to be nothing but one of their stupidly over elaborate ads. Next we are introduced to his "friends", none of which (except the chick) are wearing a shirt.
We find out that Jessie has a brother named Mikey, who's nipples are just a little too big. We find out that the rest of the gang is, in no particular order, "road rage", "Clutch", "Axle", "Chopper" and "Whipper". Thats right, one of them is honestly named whipper, as in windshield whipper. We're not even 5 minutes in yet. In a strangely self aware moment Jessie asks Chopper (the token vagina of the group) why she's the only one their with a shirt on. Chopper claims to be more of a man then jessie will ever be; No arguments here.
Everything seems to be going along fairly smooth, just a "returning home" story of one utterly generic douche and his equally douche friends when what should wander in but the 50's. Meet Natale:
Honestly she's so out of place here it's just plain hilarious. Her hair is from the 50's and her shirt is from...the dukes of hazard maybe, I don't know. And it also turns out that jessie wants to put is dick in her, but she's Auto's girl. Jessie and love interest make shameless flirty dialog before Auto shows up in the Douche-mobile and challenges jessie to a dick waving contest, I mean street race. Jessie pusses out (afraid his perfectly quaffed hair might get mussed) so his brother decides to race Auto instead. As some more dialog ensues we find out that Mikey is the only decent actor out of all the shirtless gorillas, a death sentence in these kinds of movies.
SO the race is set up and thats where things really take a sharp dive off the deep end. We find out that Auto possesses a "speed demon" Which is apparently an ancient Sumerian demon trapped in an amulet. It has control over, and I quote "the elements, wind, animals and speed." Oh and it looks like something you can find at hot topic. The flame effects are theirs by the way.
So Mikey and Auto go racing off into the city, which is surprisingly vacant for some reason. The lack of literally ANYONE else in the world makes me wonder if this isn't some sort of nightmarish future where these half dozen douche bags are the only survivors and they've utterly forgotten how shirts work. Well the race predictably ends in a minor accident for mikey, who's car then explodes for absolutely no reason. Most of the shirtless gang express their feelings by displaying no emotion, while one, on the far left, giggles like a school girl.
So mikey got blowed up and only two people show up to his funeral, but considering that there only like 7 people in this town (apparently) thats still pretty damn good. I'm not really sure this is actually a graveyard though, since I've never seen a graveyard with a gazebo right in the middle of it.
So jessie goes home and proceeds to get rip roaring drunk off camera and pass out still in his suit.
We're treated to a little dream which explains to us that Jessie's dad was apparently worshiping his own speed demon, something you'd think he'd be able to remember without a pint of straight scotch in him. But then again, this world seems to be infested with random guitar riffs so it's understandable that he might drink himself into amnesia. Immediately after remembering this Jessie finds the speed demon of his fathers as then drains some blood into a cup and drinks it before putting the necklace on. We're also given a little scene that shows that Auto also knows jessie's dad had a speed demon and makes it clear that he wants it. He also says they have to perform some sort of cleansing ritual on Whipper.
A ritual that seems to involve standing around, almost naked, in a room full of Halloween props.
It also entails walking in circles alot. I love the static disk in the background, simply because it's so freaking out of place.
But seriously guys, this is a little homoerotic don't you think? Next you're going to be rubbing a car engine or something.
Damn it guys, that was a joke. And they aren't just rubbing it, they're FONDLING it. At least they're not rubbing themselves.
OH GOD DAMN IT! Stop that! What does that even have to do with anything? Next you're going to be rubbing melted chocolate all over each other.
...I hate you movie, I really do.
Anyway, once we get past that awkwardness, we get a quick scene of a mysterious person in black causing a car that Road rage is working on to fall on to him and kill him, wicked witch of the east style. Auto and the crew saunter up in slow motion, wearing about 2 1/2 shirts between them all, and find road rage, much to their utter...lack of emotion.
We also see that the person in black is driving Jessie's car. Next we cut to Jessie, reading semi-naked in bed. 50's chick bounces in and makes more flirty dialog that borders on phone sex material and then we instantly cut to jessie walking up next to an empty bottle of booze. Apparently the guitar riffs got to him again. Well he and nostalgia girl chat, whine and basically just set up a covert date for the next day while Auto sends two of his goons to ransack Jessie's garage and look for the speed demon. We get an entirely superfluous, minute and a half long, single cut, slow motion scene of the asian guy walking around before he's suddenly strangled to death by some chains.
OH and whipper gets very unconvincingly run over by the mysterious person in black.
But honestly, he looks pretty good for being hit with a car wouldn't you say? Not a scratch on him.
Well auto and his quickly shrinking gang return to their...solid concrete building of indeterminate origin, to find their friend dead and strung up outside. Once again, the brutal murder of their friends fails to elicit even a hint of emotion out of these people.
Poodleskirt girl and Jessie have their date at some random cafe, where jessie calls Natale his guardian angel. Natale responds by asking him if he's "ever fantasized about his guardian angel.In my head I desperately wanted Jessie to say "Shut the hell up, I will not have you embarrassing us here, not at olive garden!" but alas, it simply gets him laid. Or maybe it does, it's hard to tell considering she never removes her bra and he never does anything but kiss her neck. Anyways, we see another peon undergo the most homoerotic satanic ritual ever and promptly get killed off by the person in black, as is becoming the pattern now.
And then the movie just gives up for a few minutes and repeatedly shows us images of the three surviving douche bags walking slowly, then standing in a cirle as the camera pans around them, then walking slowly again and on and on and on.
Eventually the movie regains what sense it had to begin with and gets on with what it is determined to call a "story". Natale expresses her desire not to be part of a sect that keeps dying and tells Jessie that he should get the hell out of dodge. Jessie interprets this warning as "go spy on the bad guys" and promptly does so. Despite the fact that Jessie's best interpretation of stealth is "bend your knees a bit" he alludes capture and realizes the evil plans Auto is devising. And so Axle, the last gang member besides the leader and his pet vagina Chopper, dresses up like Neo and does his best to shoot Jessie, who he thinks is driving his car. He manages to fire and completely miss twice with his shotgun before getting run over.
A lot of complicated and pointless bullshit ensues but the main thing that happens is that Auto tricks Jessie into coming to a warehouse by telling him he's going to burn Natale to death, while he tricks natale into going somewhere with chopper who then tries to shank her. The only real...interesting part of all this is this image.
Honestly, do I really need to say anything?
Anyways, Natale sort of gets chased (since neither get above a brisk walk) around the garage by crazy cunt before chopper just stabs herself for some unexplained reason
and Auto displays his ability to cause random explosions by wearing red contact lenses.
In a dramatic turn of events Natale reveals herself to be the person in black and then promptly runs Auto over. Auto, for his part, does nothing to stop her other then scream which is less then effective. And...well thats it, it just sort of end there without any real closure or explanation. But then, honestly, what were you expecting? In the end, what does speed demons amount to? About an hour and a half of random shirtlessness, homoerotisim, completely random slow motion, terrible special effects and acting that makes the speech function on a mac sound heart heartbreakingly emotional. It wasn't worth the 2 dollars I paid for it or the 30 dollars it probably took to make. Damn you Echo Bridge Entertainment for creating this shit, damn you. But you know the worst part? I still have a dozen more movies by these jokers, including one called SPACE KNIGHT
I fear this is only the beginning.
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Topic: Speed Demon (a horrible action movie review with lots of pictures) (Read 10033 times)