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[Rooster]

I thought a long time on how to approach this, and if I should even write this.
Many people before me have said much better, smarter and more emotional things.
But this is my testimonial. I'm starting a new chapter in my life.
I'm not the same person I was six years ago.
I'm not even the same person from a year ago.
I'm starting anew.
A new person is born.
So take your time and listen to ( or read) my story.

I was born in a middle class family. Never loved by my alcoholic father. Never cared about by my mother. But my life was okay for a while. I had friends, and I had good times with them.
Then everything changed. I was bullied on.
Day by Day, and week by week.
Every day was taking forever and every week was torment.
I couldn't find release in friends.
Then I started coming home with some dark thoughts.
My Mom used to ask "How was the day?"
I always replied "Okay"
Why didn't she notice my sad face? Why didn't she see me collapsing on the couch without life.
I literally came back from school only to drop my backpack and collapse on the couch.
No moving, just staring at the ceiling thinking...
What was I thinking?
I wanted to die. That's all.
I was very close to darkness then. If not for the fact that I'm such a coward then I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't meet the people I have met. I wouldn't change. I would be gone.
The situation continued for the next three years. Always in despair. Always in the dark.
I even said my mother once how bad it was in school. She seemed surprised, but in the end she didn't do anything about it.
What kept me so strong? Hope. I lived for the hope only. Unloved. I lived in hope that someday everything will change.

Then I graduated to middle school. It was fun. For the first year at least. I thought this is it.
This is my time. Always friendly, always charming, always helpfull. It got me a lot of compliments from classmates, from teachers. But it didn't last long.
Eventually "the cool kids" noticed me. Judged me by my cover. Figured a way to bring me down.
They litelary turned almost everyone on me. People that seemed frindly towards me now made me even more upset than people that didn't like me from the start. I told myself that after everything I've been through I wouldn't cry. But I did. I snapped eventually.
Our teacher probably thought it would be funny to ask who is the least liked person in class.
Guess who came up? Looks like being friendly doesn't give you many friends among 13-15 year olds.

I'm a stronger person now. Things that Josh wrote helped a lot. Now I'm getting stronger and stronger every year. Always trying to be friendly always trying to be cheerfull. Always appreciating the small things in life. It takes a being of darkness to fully understand the love and happiness in everyday life. My parents are still patological alcoholics, I still have flaws. But I make the most of it. I life my life to the fullest. And I've learned many lessons.

To always have hope
I don't suffer because it's so bad. I suffer from the lack of love.
You can always rise from a bad wound. But what really hurts, is that you're unloved.
I live my life only for myself. If there's nobody to take my love, I'll give it to everyone.
If there's nobody that loves me, I'll wait.

Here I am. In high school. Meeting wonderfull people. Enjoying every day of it. People are really nice here. I hope they won't turn me down like the others have. But even if they do. I won't weep. I won't kill myself. Because there's still hope. It always dies last.

Even if you think of me as pathetic. Or think that I have nothing new to say. Do something, both for me and for you. Hug your loved ones and tell them that you love them. Not everyone has love in life. Learn to appreciate the gifts of fate. When somebody smiles I always smile back. Why don't you?

Oh boy, I'm starting to cry. I better end this long post. It's too long already...

[Armok]

*Hugs Rooster* I wuvs you, so you cant say none does! ;')

[chaoticag]

It is nice to know that things are getting better for you, and don't worry too much. By the time you get to highschool, people tend to mature more and you will make friends. Other than that, I'll let you know that a surprising amount of people judge by image, so shaping up and being healthy isn't a bad idea, and joining a club gives you enough in common with others that it won't be a shallow friendship.

[Emperor_Jonathan]

It's good that you're holding hope. But let me tell you this, however bad it may be in school, you may be the most hated person in the school.

But once you get out of school, it is very different.

I hope you find the happiness and acceptance that you strive for.

[ChairmanPoo]

Our teacher probably thought it would be funny to ask who is the least liked person in class.

Your teacher is a little (excrement).

When I was in high school, during some kind of ... educative course of some sort they imposed on our whole class, the  teachers in charge of it tried to pull one of those off, with the aggravant of it not being even upfront: we were supposed to write in a secret vote the names of people in several categories: the least popular, the more prone to be swayed by peer pressure, etc...

It didn't come to fruit because I started a revolt against it. I stood up and gave a short but stirring speech on the immorality of it, and that I could not see how it could serve any discernible purpose. Of course, it helped to make up people's minds that their (the teacher's) -rather flippant- answer to my comment was that "we shouldn't concern ourselves about the poll's purpose". And that later that evening I brought it foward to the school's council,  in which I was one of the two student representatives, securing further support from that angle. So yeah, I brought that one down their ears. 

[NewoTigra]

and now I feel spoiled about my life .

Good to hear things are picking up for you. Too many people don't appreciate the simple things in life, myself included.

[sonerohi]

Did anyone even have a point with the whole being assholes thing?

[Eagleon]

They don't really need one. Peer pressure is its own motivation.

Hey, you sound a lot like I was, the difference being that you seem to be a lot more motivated to survive and find support. Let me tell you, it's worth making it past this crap. One of the better things about highschool is most of the people in it have seen the same things as you. Even the people that might have given in and went with the crowd in hating you in middle school are probably starting to form their own ideas about reality, though there's still a lot of the groupthink. That was my experience - middle school is very pack-animalish, while highschool is just confusing and chaotic. The good thing about that is that you never know where a friend might be, but the obviously bad thing is that it's a minefield. Just keep on being you and thinking for yourself, you sound like a great guy underneath

I was and am of the firm belief that all middleschoolers should be institutionalized 

[Cthulhu]

Yeah, kids are animals.  I had pretty much no friends in middle and junior high, I was overweight, and had no idea how to interact with the other kids, and said stupid stuff a lot.

9th grade was a bit better, but still mostly more of the same.  Near the end though I found some real friends and went places with them, and realized how much of a loser I was.  I don't even remember the next two years or so, but at some point I came out of it the lean, suave gentleman you know today.

What I'm trying to say is that 13-15 year olds are retarded and things improve greatly in high school.

[FluffyToast J]

I find that slightly offensive, Cthulhu, yet agree completely. Yeah, teenagers can will generally be assholes. Once you get past the Im-better-than-joo-age things should get better.

[Dakk]

Oh wow.

My middle-highschool years weren't that bad, some people hated me, sure, but I could care less. Somehow I avoided the whole pack mentality thing and somehow stayed neutral, as in, most groups accepted me, the ones that didn't openly talk to me kept away, and so did I, but I aways had enemies, but they were wimpy so nothing ever happened to me. Keep in mind that I say wimpy in the overall sense, phisically they could beat me up, hell, I'm a elf in body, frakk.

Anyway, don't see why everyone would turn against you like that, even teachers, I do think you should seek the school's direction about that. I mean, you totally have the right to complain if a teacher is somehow causing moral damage and making your in class experience unpleasant. Regarding the other kids, meh, they're kids, worry not about it.

It gets progessively better, unless you're a real outcast in highschool, I knew some kids that were just absolutely hated in my school, but there was a reason for it, at least.

[Little]

After my core group of friends fell apart in middle school, my former friends starting avoiding me because I was "weird". Having no real other friends than that and not being a sociable person, I hung out by myself a lot of time. Middle school was lonely, but high school is much better. Found a group of fellow nerds, and we all hang out together.

Don't worry, and don't kill yourself, please. Suicide is an extremely selfish action, and if you really feel like your gonna go through with it, get help IMMEDIATELY.

I've also heard life gets MUCH better once you're free of high school, so that's something to look forward to.

[atomicwinter]

Yes please don't kill yourself, its hard on everyone. My grandfather committed suicide last year, and it has really struck a blow to us all. The bullying for me stopped after freshman year, I guess because people are more mature now. But I still get the occasional smart ass who tries to press his luck. Not that I get into a lot of fights, but I am not going to take constant shit from someone. I have felt really down this year thou, blew the first semester not passing all of my classes, and the ones I pass are with Ds. Did the same thing 2nd semester last year, I don't know but I just can't seem to care at all about school. With all these credits to make up, and my horrible grades, why should I? I do nothing in class but sleep and stare into space.. and homework is nothing more than a word now, have not done it in ages. I was thinking of dropping out, but my mom is giving me hell and won't let me. So I think ill pull out and do online school or something.

[Rooster]

Armok: Thank you. You are the fellow merry spirit of the forum. What's funnier is that I act like that in real life sometimes

I don't plan on killing myself. That's ancient history. Lasted for a very long time of three years. It's better now. I still get upset, but my merry friendly spirit makes up for it, and I don't stay long that way. I would never return to those thoughts and I don't recommend that to anyone.

In fact I am upset now. But there is no rational reason to that. I just do. I'll listen to some happy music and it should go away. Looks like my reserves of love have run out for a short while.

Thanks to everyone that encourage me to keep going. It helps to deal with the past the present and will certainly forever remind me why I'm here on this world.

[eerr]

Don't worry, winter will blow over eventually.