It all began this morning as I played Dwarf Fortress, a most fateful day indeed. While defending against a Goblin siege, I hear a large crash coming from my kitchen. Fearing that my cat had knocked something over, I pause the game so I can investigate.
This, as it turns out, was mistake number one.
Upon entering the room, I was greeted by an eight foot tall grizzly bear; it's hindquarters pointed towards me obscenely as it chowed down on a flayed bag of cat food. Panic stricken, I tried to back out of the room, only to bump a knocked over bowl and alerting the bear.
Not one who liked to be startled, it whipped around with a roar that rattled my teeth. I can hear my heart beating in my ears as I race away, glancing over my shoulder to see the bear pursuing me. The nearest exit was my sliding glass door, which was closed, and I did not have time to open it for the bear would catch me.
Steeling my resolve, I launch myself into a shoulder tackle, shattering the glass in a deafening smash. I tuck and roll as best as possible, but I can still feel razor sharp pieces slicing into my back, although the adrenaline minimized the pain I could feel. Without pause, I continued running through my back yard, hopped the fence and made my way through the neighborhood.
The bear was gaining fast, but I had the upper hand; intelligence and a cold disregard for human life. I rush to a nearby child's playground, knowing that I had to lead the bear to it's natural prey; delicious loli. It's twisted fetish still disgusts me to this day.
I run a path through as many children as possible, throwing them in the bears path. But apparently my defiance and will to live has enraged the bear to the point of single minded hate; it ignores it's favorite snack in favor of my blood.
Knowing I cannot outrun the bear, as it has now taken a sprinters stance, further closing the distance, I turn and face it. I rely on my years of training as a Shaolin Monk to deftly dodge the bears first clumsy strike. My retaliation comes in the form of three quick open palm strikes to it's snout; I had tried to push the bones back into it's own brain.
With a hiss of pain, I barely dance out of range from a vicious strike to my torso. With a quick triple back flip, I spring board off a nearby tree and perform a text book flying knee. The bear seems temporarily stunned and I make my escape.
I quickly find myself in a busy intersection, and the bears distant cries of rage echo behind me. Seeing my chance of escape in the form of an oncoming motorcycle, I cloths line the driver and steal the bike.
This, as it turns out, was mistake number two.
In accordance with the Ancient Laws set forth by the Bear God Ursongos, my reliance on technology allowed the bear to engage me in full combat. It drops it's charade as a lowly beast and changes into it's true form...
An even larger bear.
Calling upon the ancient spirits of it's brethren, Oshaku of the Wind, it begins it's chase once more at a cruising speed of over 9000 miles per hour. I know my end is soon, so I push the "Do Not Touch" button that is present on all motorcycles. With the metallic sound of gears shifting and turning, the bike quickly transforms into a ten feet tall mech suit. I once again turn to make my stand.
I grab a nearby motorist and throw it at the monster, and the collision produces a satisfying crunch as metal meets flesh. Before I can count my winnings, though, the bear lets loose a sonic roar that blows the car seventeen stories into the air, horribly maiming a group of high school students.
I quickly construct a Hadron Cannon out of pocket lint, a metal rod, and a paper clip. MacGyver, eat your heart out.
The gun unleashes a seemingly unstoppable stream of particles that decimate all nearby life. The beam goes on for miles, carving a massive scar through the earth. After thirty seconds of continuous fire, the gun's cells deplete.
Hellish fires and molten lava swim around it, but the bear is unharmed. Of course, I should have known! Bear hide is immune to all forms of ranged attacks.
The bear sprints towards me at eighteen times the speed of light, because Fuck You Einstein, and I catch it's bear claws in my mechanical grasp.
"Why do we fight, Oh Great One?!" I cry out.
The bear snarls, "It is written in the stars, one of us must fall. Now, prepare yourself!"
I pray to every deity I know for some power to purge the world of the demon, and with a thunderous boom that shook the earth, they were answered.
From parted clouds a sword came crashing down from the heavens, at least a mile long and one hundred yards wide. I did not question the Gods, and instead simply touched the blade; I felt the world shrink, as I grew larger, matching the sword in shear magnitude.
The bear sensed it's demise and quickly called to all of the thirteen Bear Spirits to combat me. They granted it their twisted power, and his once small frame rocketed towards the sky, towering over even myself.
I drew back the sword, preparing to take the first blow. As the blade sang through the air it cut through the very fabric of existence. Through every world, galaxy, and universe all life ceased to exist as their life source was channeled into the weapon, further increasing it's awesome power.
An angelic tone rang through all of reality as Holy Blade met tainted claws.
The earth was instantly destroyed, and the solar system soon after. The only thing keeping our titanic bodies in contact was the natural laws of gravity.
We battled for eons, across the entire universe, even in it's now barren state. Neither gave quarter, nor asked it. Each attack plan lasted centuries, a near infinite number of moves calculated in a spam of time so small it could have been considered to not have happened at all.
Over a course of a billion years, I had slowly gained ground on the demon. I pressed my advantage, and I could almost taste victory.
It would only be a few more millennia.
The time came when I sank my blade deep into it's black heart. I felt the wailing cries of countless souls escaping it's body, fleeing to whatever afterlife they were destined after countless years in captivity. They sang songs of retribution and triumph in a million different languages, all glad to be free.
I made my way to the center of the universe -- of all the universes. I plunged the Sword of Existence into the fabric of reality, releasing a Big Bang to end all Big Bangs. I simultaneously created every dimension at once, recreating the life I had taken away.
Then I searched. I looked for the spot that would one day contain earth and my home. And when I found it, I watched our entire history occur as I waited for my time to return. Eventually it came, and I relinquished my gifted powers to their owner, and in one last favor to me, they transported me to my comfortable computer chair.
I was so excited; I had so much to tell, so much to share. I could cure every disease and ailment, I could further science millions of years, or I could tell the stories of every society that ever existed...
I get back to my computer to tell my tale... only to find my game of Dwarf Fortress... and see my fort had crumbled to it's end in my absence...
fml...
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Topic: Gather around, story time. (Read 4448 times)