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Author Topic: The Redhounds  (Read 1041 times)

JoshuaFH

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The Redhounds
« on: December 19, 2009, 10:15:01 pm »

This is the continuation of the story idea I had in this thread:

http://www.bay12games.com/forum/index.php?topic=46551.0

So I guess I'll try my hand at writing. I'm going to try to write out one of the more emotional scenes I have in my mind, because writing things from the beginning seem really hard.

Please leave feedback, I find it very inspiring to write when I know people are reading. Even a little comment helps alot.

"At the border of Geitenhand"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

To be continued.
« Last Edit: January 10, 2010, 07:20:26 pm by JoshuaFH »
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eerr

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2009, 01:06:35 am »

Is this a flashback?
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JoshuaFH

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #2 on: December 20, 2009, 01:09:19 am »

Why? I bet I have all the tenses mixed up, don't I? I was never good at those.

The middle is a flashback, where he's talking to Darius. The first and last parts are occurring in the present.
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eerr

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2009, 01:57:14 am »

I think you should write some lurid descriptions so people can imagine the world in their head. It's a rather disembodied story right now.

"badlands War, at the sparta encampent"

The sun burned glaringly upon them from the high afternoon sky. Bob squinted hard against the sun. He wiped the sweat off his brow.
The war had raged for what seemed forever, yet Bob knew the war was naught but halfway over. As he walked around the camp, bob walked past rodney, sitting under a tree.

Rodney "hot"
Dan "fuck yea"

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JoshuaFH

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2009, 02:22:54 am »

Yeah, I really should. I guess I was too much in the process of throwing out as much material as I could so I knew I wouldn't procrastinate. So I'll look it over, and see if it can be editted easily.
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JoshuaFH

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2009, 10:38:59 pm »

I touched up the first part, to give more detail. I don't know if it's satisfactory though.

I'll start working on part two.
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JoshuaFH

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #6 on: December 26, 2009, 07:55:01 am »

I added another short part, this time from someone else's perspective. I need to add to it though, to allow the next scene to make sense.

Writing things from home is hard, if only because I always feel depressed at home. It would probably help if home wasn't such a depressing place.
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Flintus10

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #7 on: December 26, 2009, 08:17:47 am »

Well hey I like it so far and didn't find any trouble seeing the transition between past and present in the first part. Keep up the good work. 
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deadlycairn

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2009, 05:00:34 am »

Didn't read the first part (time is short) but if it's anything like the second, you may want to go over and doublecheck for those insidious errors that are really hard to spellcheck.

You have "The are" instead of "they are" in the first paragraph, as well as "they're" instead of "their".

"They search every spot of every directon" sounds kinda awkward, try "they search in every direction", or even "their tired eyes scan the horizon for their targets"

Julia is gnawing on her nails, but you've put gnaws (I hate tenses too) and there should be a "she" before "continues trying anyway".

In the sentence where you talk about the bead of blood, "dribble" and "fall" should have an s on the end (again, tense). Also, you've put "he to jump to attention", when you mean "her". Oh, and the "it's" shouldn't have the apostrophe.

Ok, not much more left. The way you talk about that "one specific way" is awkward, try "that one specific way that always makes it obvious she's lying" - that seems to flow better. The other weird thing is the "A secret she must keep" sentence. Throw the "and it is" out of the front part might be the best solution.

Three other minor things, in no order. King Grimaldi "has" ordered their death, not "as", Julia asks Garriet "what is up" not "What is" and finally, "Ontop" should have a space separating the words.

Sorry about the massive wall of text, and for showing up all the mistakes, but this really looks like a promising story. I might check part 1 tomorrow. I just hate syntax errors :P
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JoshuaFH

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #9 on: December 27, 2009, 09:50:21 am »

Thanks Cairn, I tend to type faster than I think, so alot of errors get overlooked.

It sort've reminds me of the time I PM'd Toady to get my Mafia tutorial topic stickied, and he agreed, but suggested that I fix all the grammatical errors he found. I did so, but then he suggested that I fix all the NEW grammatical errors I made when I fixed the old ones.

Also, next part is up.
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deadlycairn

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #10 on: December 28, 2009, 08:30:58 pm »

Yeah, a few new errors have popped up in the second part, as well as two old error. In the second sentence you start off by describing their armour colours, but then abruptly change to gleam in the sun, which needs re-writing, as it doesn't work.

Third sentence of second paragraph is way too long. Break it up a bit, at least into two, maybe three sentences.

In the following sentence, you have "just anything to occupy her mind" which isn't a complete fragment. Put doing in front, or re-write it.

When she talks to the Lieutenant, the "What" shouldn't be capitalised, as the "Uh" preceeding it is (I inferred that in my last post, probably shoulda said it)

Also, you didn't change the voice cracking part, and it still feels kinda clunky.

EDIT: Nevermind. I have not the mental fortitude to go through the other parts, they're longer. Sorry.
« Last Edit: December 28, 2009, 10:04:34 pm by deadlycairn »
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Quote from: Ampersand
Also, Xom finds people that chug unidentified fluids pleasing.
Quote from: Servant Corps
Ignorance of magic does not give scientists the power to resist fireballs.

JoshuaFH

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Re: The Redhounds
« Reply #11 on: January 09, 2010, 07:47:54 pm »

I'll be finishing this up pretty soon.
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