Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

Author Topic: Othor the necromancer. Edited...  (Read 1010 times)

Supermikhail

  • Bay Watcher
  • The Dwarf Of Steel
    • View Profile
Othor the necromancer. Edited...
« on: December 18, 2009, 11:37:44 am »

It is but a week that passed since ThreeToe put his story on the forum for all to enjoy, yet it feels like an eternity of my brooding and then typing these words, inspired by the unsurpassed treachery and corruption in the creation of the master...
Hm. So, here I humbly present to your judgement my story (under the spoiler). It has treason, it has cats (well, one cat) and evidently it has zombies. Also, to a sensitive person - like me - it can be quite disturbing. I hope you enjoy. :D

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Note for critics:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: February 15, 2010, 07:49:32 am by Supermikhail »
Logged

Bricks

  • Bay Watcher
  • Because you never need one brick.
    • View Profile
Re: Othor the necromancer - a short story by me. Critics wanted!
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2009, 12:25:12 pm »

I like it.  Not too shocking at the end, but the buildup was a good pace for a short story.  Also, I like necromancers, so I might be biased.  I kind of expected the cockroaches to be the undoing of the guard.  I didn't suspect that English wasn't your first language.  Some of your sentences seem a little short and simple, which is good for pacing, but it isn't conducive to descriptive language.
Logged
EMPATHY - being able to feel other peoples' stuff.

Armok

  • Bay Watcher
  • God of Blood
    • View Profile
Re: Othor the necromancer - a short story by me. Critics wanted!
« Reply #2 on: December 18, 2009, 01:02:01 pm »

Woah, this is awesome! you should do a sequel. :)
Logged
So says Armok, God of blood.
Sszsszssoo...
Sszsszssaaayysss...
III...

Supermikhail

  • Bay Watcher
  • The Dwarf Of Steel
    • View Profile
Re: Othor the necromancer - a short story by me. Critics wanted!
« Reply #3 on: December 18, 2009, 01:13:27 pm »

I like it.  Not too shocking at the end, but the buildup was a good pace for a short story.  Also, I like necromancers, so I might be biased.  I kind of expected the cockroaches to be the undoing of the guard.  I didn't suspect that English wasn't your first language.  Some of your sentences seem a little short and simple, which is good for pacing, but it isn't conducive to descriptive language.
Con... ducive. OK.  :) Thanks. Yeah, I kind of exhausted my vocabulary by the... middle of the story. And had to refer to the dictionary. Although English is one of my primary subjects at the University. Unfortunately, technical English.
I seem to have troubles with judging the pace of my own writing. But if I understood you right, it isn't too bad. I'll try to expand my sentences next time. And choose a more peaceful topic. I can't stand killing rats.
Woah, this is awesome! you should do a sequel. :)
Oh, while I was writing... OK. I was actually thinking about a continuation to the story. But had to know first if it was worth it. Now that Armok has cast his favoring eyes on my work I have to do it for His glory and the glory of DF! ;)
Logged

Armok

  • Bay Watcher
  • God of Blood
    • View Profile
Re: Othor the necromancer - a short story by me. Critics wanted!
« Reply #4 on: December 18, 2009, 01:27:32 pm »

Woah, this is awesome! you should do a sequel. :)
Oh, while I was writing... OK. I was actually thinking about a continuation to the story. But had to know first if it was worth it. Now that Armok has cast his favoring eyes on my work I have to do it for His glory and the glory of DF! ;)
Yay! :D
Logged
So says Armok, God of blood.
Sszsszssoo...
Sszsszssaaayysss...
III...

Outcast Orange

  • Bay Watcher
  • [SOMETIMES_SQUID]
    • View Profile
    • The Outcast Orange
Re: Othor the necromancer - a short story by me. Critics wanted!
« Reply #5 on: December 18, 2009, 01:28:17 pm »

Dont give him too much credit. He's rather harsh.

I suspect we all respect his enthusiasm though.
Logged
[7:53:55 PM] Armok, why did you demand that I don't eat you?
[7:54:34 PM] [Armok]: woooooo

Burried Houses - Platform Explorer Demo H - Cloud Scream