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I am an unclickable option.

I am also that.

[E. Albright]

Barack O. met his doom at the hand of Atlanteans. Hmmm.

Not just at the hands of any Atlanteans, their pretender itself.  Barak's death was not in vain if it drew out this abomination so that the Devas and Kailasa might actively destroy it.

It wasn't the October surprise we had foremost in our minds, but it did well enough.

In other news, Pyre Sands once more proves recalcitrant to my incompetent auxiliaries, as a certain Lieutenant Stene, upon seeing the chattering overexcited multitude of markata before him ordered his archers not to waste arrows and instead attack them in melee. He will be returned to garrison duty where such tactical brilliance can properly be applied to stalking and overwhelming large, stupid, flightless birds in the woods. Hopefully they, too, will not prove more than a match for him.

[Wiles]

With two provinces left and my army pretty much broken I've decided to make myself computer controlled. It was a fun game. I'd be up for playing again in the future for sure. 

[Il Palazzo]

Kailasa would like to open a diplomatic office in Niefelheim.  Please install magma heaters and let us open discussion on perhaps a neutral border along the remnants of Mictlan and Hinnom territory.

Praise Sacred Mount Kailasa!

We are open to negotiations. If you'll be so kind and unleash endless hordes of markatas and american presidentsyakshas on annoying Vanheim, I'll even install a hot spa for your ambassador.
Frode.

---

Thanks for playing Wiles. I feel bad for using such cheap tactics on you.

[Wiles]

Hey no worries. I don't mind losing. I knew what you were doing with your giants (or part of what you were doing anyway), but I don't know enough about Hinnom, or the game in general to counter it. I'll have to do more reading before I play another round.

[E. Albright]

Thanks for play, Wiles. Sorry about the whole knife in the back thing; it was an unfortunate consequences of Niefelhiem responding to my suggestion of a truce with an offer to gang up on (very big, very scary, still very rapidly expanding) you rather than simply agreeing to fixed borders. It's like they say: the leading causes of death in MP D3 are starting positions and diplomacy.

One small piece of advice that I suspect I really don't need to give you at this point, but which would have served as an early boon: always buy at least that one point of province defense.

You also would have been better served rampaging through my unfortified heartland rather than spending four months beating on a fort packed full of rather slow-starving militia who were being replenished both by a long internal purchase queue and monkeys smuggled in from the realm next door.

On a more general note, that again you likely don't need mentioned, just remember that Hinnom eats everything...

[Cthulhu]

The gates battered down, a shrieking horde of monkeys poured into Mictlan's capital.  In a frenzy they tore down the temples to Twelve Jaguar and erected monuments to whatever crazy monkey gods they worshiped.  Finally, Lieutenant Bandar, along with his apes and silly Hindu guys, approached the palace, still and silent and reeking of sacrificial blood.

"Beware, friends.  Twelve Jaguar is a powerful blood mage.  Who knows what horrid abominations lurk in his inner sanctum?"  The commander warned.

Inside, all was dark and quiet.  Every footfall resounded throughout the massive complex, echoing for what seemed like miles.  As the warriors crept deeper into the palace, their apprehension grew.  What could Twelve Jaguar have in store for them?  The lurid carvings covering the walls and ceiling took on a ghastly life of their own in the shadowy halls, the army frightened minds giving obscene movement to the cold stone.

Suddenly, a sound!  Deep in the mazelike corridors, a faint, repetitive "wap wap wap wap wap wap wap" sound.

One of the Yaksha spoke, "Mumbling Markatas, Bandar!  What could that be?"  Lieutenant Bandar was just as bemused.  They walked softer, hoping to surprise whatever was making the sound.

The sound grew louder as they neared the inner chambers.  Soon it was deafening, "THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP THWAP."

Finally, they reached the center.  The source of the sound was just around the corner.  Lieutenant Bandar pressed his back against the wall and slowly drew his sword.  The Yakshas did the same, and on the count of three they charged.

L.B. raised his sword to the air and threw himself forward!  "FOR MOUNT KAILASAAAAA-eh?"

In the center, reclining on a stone couch, was a single priest.  In his left hand was a ceremonial dagger; in his right, a paddle.  A rubber ball attached to a stretchy cord bounced against the paddle with a "THWAP THWAP THWAP" sound.

"Oh hey, I was wondering when you guys would here.  Took you long enough."  The priest said.  "I'm almost up to 7000 in a row.  Kickass, huh?"

Lieutenant Bandar was perplexed.  "Yeah, that's great.  Uh, where's Twelve Jaguar?"

The priest chuckled, "He left months ago, man.  Him and all the other priests.  I stayed behind to give Lieutenant Bandar a present."  The priest flipped the Lieutenant off and then continued his game.  "That's courtesy of Twelve Jaguar, you take good care of it."

"He...  left?"

"Yeah, man.  You think they were just gonna sit here and wait for that huge army to surround them?  Damn monkeys must grow from spores or something, I dunno."  The string broke, sending the ball flying across the room.  It struck a passing blood slave in the head, and she fell into a sacrificial pit.  "GOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLL!"  The priest shouted, jumping to his feet and pumping his fists in the air.  "Did you see that, monkeys?  Best shot ever."  He yawned.  "Anyway, I'm out of here.  Have fun in the swamp, guys.  Enjoy your malaria.  Oh, and L.B., say hi to Nurse McNinja for me."  The priest grinned ominously, and was gone.

EDIT:  Or not.  One turn, all major people wiped out, good commanders only recruitable in home province, home province taken over, going AI.

[E. Albright]

We are getting to the ugly part of the game where you start leaning heavily on thugs and supercombatants, or lose. This is the part of Dominions that always struck me as a bit underwhelming and dull.

(Yes, this is my first go at multi-player, but I've read enough AARs over the years to get a bad impression of this stage of the game.)

[Cthulhu]

I was going to summon a Tlahuelphuchi, give her a Heart Finder, a horror shield, a shroud of the martyr, name her Nurse McNinja, and send her out to KILL LIEUTENANT BANDAR

But Neifelheim ruined that.

[Il Palazzo]

Who, me? What did I do?

edit: aaah, ok, that thing. Who would have thought that Twelve Jaguar would place himself right in front of the speeding Niefel train...

edit2: Kaliasa, sorry for killing Suzanne, there was misunderstanding as to who should conquer the Mictlan province. No hard feelings.
As for the Vanheim, god how I hate those sneaky buggers.

[Cheeetar]

Who, me? Sneaky?

[slMagnvox]

Lieutenant Bandar took his ease in the courtyard of Twelve Jaguar's former palace, attended by only the most full figured human women and reformed blood slaves.  Birds chirped overheard and sitars and drums played the Celestial Music.  Even the stench of blood had begun to fade and a crisp smell lingered in the gardens.

A figure appeared through an arch at the far side of the courtyard.  The figure appeared female, a very full figured female.  She took off her helmet and gazed about the courtyard.  She set down her shield and tapped a foot to the music.  She dropped her sword with a clang and approached the Lieutenant.

May I ... May I groom you, great Bandar?"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Good game Wiles, good game Cthulhu!

[Cheeetar]

Ymir faced a tough decision. The expansion into Niefelheim was not going quite as easily as expected, although he had atleast retreated in time to avoid the giants. Kailasa surrounded Vanheim to the north, west and south. Ever since he agreed to ally with the apes, Vanheim had lost. They must accept their position as only a vassal of Kailasa. It would be shameful, but atleast with their help Niefelheim may be defeated at last.

[E. Albright]

Dear shimmering lice-eaters,

We understand that your feel your peculiar diet necessitates an alliance with Kailasa, for while there may be other primates in the world, none are infested with parasites so large, numerous, and (we assume) juicy. If you are unwilling to try alternate sources for your culinary pleasures, it is regrettable, but understandable. We wish you much happiness in your chosen path as ape-groomers and concubines. We will warn you, however, that we may be forced to take measures to contain the tropical brain-fever which surely has infected your once-proud people, even as we mourn your decline into a niche in Kailasan society that a markata would deem beneath it.

Your sympathetic servant before the Sword,
Olgothu
Trusted of the Councils, Deputy of the Assembly, Ambassador to the Parched Realms, Advocate for the Unclean

[Cthulhu]

Lieutenant Bandar took his ease in the courtyard of Twelve Jaguar's former palace, attended by only the most full figured human women and reformed blood slaves.  Birds chirped overheard and sitars and drums played the Celestial Music.  Even the stench of blood had begun to fade and a crisp smell lingered in the gardens.

A figure appeared through an arch at the far side of the courtyard.  The figure appeared female, a very full figured female.  She took off her helmet and gazed about the courtyard.  She set down her shield and tapped a foot to the music.  She dropped her sword with a clang and approached the Lieutenant.

May I ... May I groom you, great Bandar?"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Good game Wiles, good game Cthulhu!

Who's the full-figured woman supposed to be?

[slMagnvox]

That was Nurse McNinja.