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[Kinoko_Otoko]

That's nothing. I stationed my champion married couple outside after they slaughtered a whole goblin ambush with their bare hands, so that my other dwarves could safely harvest the resulting goblinite. A goblin babysnatcher managed to sneak up and steal my female champion's baby, and that particular champion is maxed out in every single stat (from years of wrestling naked with her husband).

Funny thing about these two was that they were immigrants (fish dissector and his peasant wife and child) and I didn't even realize they were married with a child until they were both champions. They were my only military, and the baby would occasionally take a roundhouse kick from daddy and fly across the barracks. My favorite error message is now

'Urist McMother cancels sparring in barracks: Seeking infant'

[Amalgam]

I once had some snatchers. I killed them all dead. Or, at least, the ones I saw. It took me nearly a full year to realize that one of the only two children in the fort had mysteriously vanished, and when I remembered the snatchers I put two and two together.

[JoystickHero]

'Urist McMother cancels sparring in barracks: Seeking infant'

I will never look at the 'Seeking Infant' message the same again.

[silhouette]

from years of wrestling naked with her husband.

Are you SURE they are WRESTLING?
It would explain the baby.

[hexedmagica]

from years of wrestling naked with her husband.

Are you SURE they are WRESTLING?
It would explain the baby.

Yeah, but dwarves don't reproduce by "that". They reproduce through spores.

[Yagrum Bagarn]

Every now and then I get a snatcher or thief that makes it past my chained wardogs and into the barracks.  No one has ever made it past the barracks, though.

On one hand, I admire the bastard for getting so far.  On the other hand I lock the doors of the barracks so he has nowhere to go.

[silhouette]

from years of wrestling naked with her husband.

Are you SURE they are WRESTLING?
It would explain the baby.

Yeah, but dwarves don't reproduce by "that". They reproduce through spores.

I FREAKING KNEW IT!

[A-chana]

I had a pair of kidnappers attempt to kidnap children without a single person noticing until some Champions crossed paths with them and broke their skulls. Even I didn't realize what was going on until one kidnapper went unconscious and a child appeared on the same tile.

Five minutes later, the other goblin was caught with a baby and dealt with similarly. The mother was fooling around inside the barracks somewhere, a wrestler/axedwarf hybrid. There was never even a message about the goblin being sighted by her when the baby was taken.

Of course, that's the same mother who gave birth in her sleep and let her baby crawl all the way down a hallway before she decided to go pick him up. Maybe parenting just isn't her thing.

[Grendus]

I had four snatchers try to kidnap the same baby.

I don't use dogs as guards, since in Dig Deeper that means you'll go through two dogs a season. Instead, use champions to guard, and since I don't bother to check gender before recruitment (I draft anyone who would get a generic stonecrafter mood), that means I get a lot of champions carrying children into battle. One of my mother-champions was stationed at the front gates when four goblin thieves showed up. The first snatched her baby, but walked into another champion and was promptly brained by 8 champion hammerdwarves. As she's picking up her baby, another "Snatcher, protect the children!" message. She clobbers the goblin and knocks him 20 urists away. Not two seconds later, a third goblin thief has her baby and is discovered, this time by her husband who was also drafted. He kills the goblin, she picks her baby up. At this point she heads inside for a drink and, you guessed it, stumbles into a fourth snatcher, who she knocks clear to the other side of the top z-level of my fortress.

[Amalgam]

If dwarves reproduce by spores than how do they know who the father is? Dwarven bloodlines must be largely guesswork. And full of accidental incest. And rape. I mean, getting knocked up would be as easy as walking into a poorly ventilated room full of lonely men, and you wouldn't know what hit you until a baby falls out while you're sparring.

...God, that's disturbing.

Amalgam cancels Post: Busting out the brain bleach.

[inteuniso]

They were my only military, and the baby would occasionally take a roundhouse kick from daddy and fly across the barracks.

Chuck Norris is in this game.

[NW_Kohaku]

If dwarves reproduce by spores than how do they know who the father is? Dwarven bloodlines must be largely guesswork. And full of accidental incest. And rape. I mean, getting knocked up would be as easy as walking into a poorly ventilated room full of lonely men, and you wouldn't know what hit you until a baby falls out while you're sparring.

...God, that's disturbing.

Amalgam cancels Post: Busting out the brain bleach.

Civ races have learned of a special screening process for spores so that they do not get impregnated by, among other things, their own parents, the way that other, lower creatures, like cats or cattle or mermaids do. 

Instead, they have a special imperviousness to all mating spores at birth, preventing any pregnancy.  Now obviously, this would result in extinction if they remained impervious to mating spores, so they undergo "marriage" to allow themselves to mate with their chosen spouse.  This is not the "marriage" people in our world know of, however, this is a special mating spore sac alignment marriage, although it does result in the sharing of a bed. 

Unfortunately, once the spore sacs are aligned, they are permanently aligned to just that one other member of their civ - all civ races mate for life.  Once their aligned spore sac bearer is dead, they will never again have children, causing great sorrow and torment, to the point where creatures like dwarves may go insane.

And that's why Armok designed dwarf brains to be almost permanently ecstatic if they eat in a dining room that has really neat stuff in it.

[Cypress]

And that's why Armok designed dwarf brains to be almost permanently ecstatic if they eat in a dining room that has really neat stuff in it.

I thought he did it so that they wouldn't realize any of the things that we're talking about.

[Mungrul]

The spoilered image below was the only entrance to my fortress.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A kobold got past the constant flow of traffic. Deftly tiptoed across the many cage and weapon traps. Crossed the green glass bridge with champions standing guard on it. Snuck past the chained black bears just after the bridge. Avoided all of the dwarves entering and exiting the barracks, went 2 screens deeper into the fortress, and made it out again with a clownite buckler stolen from my central armoury that constantly had dwarves pathing through it. Then he came back a few months later and stole a suit of clownite platemail.
For 2 years after that I had kobold ambush parties.
That kobold was possibly the greatest kobold thief ever.
Is there a way to track him down in Legends mode?

[Akura]

If dwarves reproduce by spores than how do they know who the father is? Dwarven bloodlines must be largely guesswork. And full of accidental incest. And rape. I mean, getting knocked up would be as easy as walking into a poorly ventilated room full of lonely men, and you wouldn't know what hit you until a baby falls out while you're sparring.

...God, that's disturbing.

Amalgam cancels Post: Busting out the brain bleach.

Civ races have learned of a special screening process for spores so that they do not get impregnated by, among other things, their own parents, the way that other, lower creatures, like cats or cattle or mermaids do. 

Instead, they have a special imperviousness to all mating spores at birth, preventing any pregnancy.  Now obviously, this would result in extinction if they remained impervious to mating spores, so they undergo "marriage" to allow themselves to mate with their chosen spouse.  This is not the "marriage" people in our world know of, however, this is a special mating spore sac alignment marriage, although it does result in the sharing of a bed. 

Unfortunately, once the spore sacs are aligned, they are permanently aligned to just that one other member of their civ - all civ races mate for life.  Once their aligned spore sac bearer is dead, they will never again have children, causing great sorrow and torment, to the point where creatures like dwarves may go insane.

And that's why Armok designed dwarf brains to be almost permanently ecstatic if they eat in a dining room that has really neat stuff in it.

"And that's how baby dwarves are made."
"Ugh!!!"