Chapter Two - ASCII Shopkeepers Are Actually A Little Bit Scary12th Granite, 502Em Usbuunes raised a hand over his eyes and gazed at the surrounding shrub land. His other hand held a well polished mace and his
other hand, dangling and prosthetic, gripped onto a map. Em's muscles were practically large enough to count as hands four and five, with massive shoulder pads resting confidently upon them. The end result was not quite as supremely heroic and versatile as Em assumed, but none of the other five armed goblins behind him were willing to say it to his face. From a young age Em had staunchly set out to become a goblin hero and had long since proved himself to the mob, but he was still a little sensitive about it. You see, after his second kidnapping his new mother had misheard his name and recorded it incorrectly into the clan's cloning machine. As a result the once perfectly wicked Em Evildoer had forever become Em Evildeer.
"It's been six months already!" one of the pikegoblins suddenly snapped, breaking Em from his reverie. "I think maybe you should let somebody else take a look at the map!"
"Nonsense!" Em laughed heartily. "We're almost there, I can feel it in my bones. The humans are right over this hill!"
"That's what you said three months ago," the pikegoblin muttered.
"TIME is RELATIVE."
"Actually, I think he's right this time," a goblin wrestler said, pointing eastwards. "There's some guy with a crossbow over the stream. We could always torture him for directions if-"
"We will pillage and raze for goblin glory no matter where fate sends us!" Em interrupted, puffing up his chest. "But first, a little diplomacy from my silver tongue might help fulfil Ago's orders. You! Wrestler! Approach the man first in order to set off any tra ... ces of compassion before introducing the rest of us as unaligned travellers."
(Hey look! I won the pokies! Twice!)"Yeah, Ramactaba is just south of here," the human confirmed as Em and the others approached. "If you're looking for work, the mayor could use some gatherers. We're a bit sick of groundhog roasts every day. I'll have to take your weapons for now if you want to enter, though."
"That sounds reasonable," Em nodded. "My friends and I just a few questions first, if you don't mind."
"Sure, go ahead. I'm only standing around anyway," the human replied casually.
"I heard from a merchant that you had some kind of 'hatch' back in your town. There's not anything dangerous down there, is there?" Em asked.
"No. Well, I don't know exactly, but we have plenty of guards. Last year I was sick for a few weeks, and once I left my house again it was just there. None of my friends had noticed it and we just figured the mayor must have built a private nude spa or something." The human shrugged.
"Alright. Thank you, you've been very FOR THE GLORY OF ARMOK!" Em screamed and sprayed his mace into the human's face. The human let out a surprised gasp and collapsed on the ground, clawing at his eyes. Em half stepped onto him victoriously. Then one of the pikegoblin wandered over and stabbed the human a few times until he stopped moving.
Suddenly a battle cry was heard from the south and Em could see several more humans running towards them. As they closed the distance he could make out a few staggered guards and a pissed off shopkeeper leading the group. The goblins took deep breaths and Em cracked his knuckles while considering the situation.
"To the brook!" Em ordered, ignoring several frantic protests. "It's the tactically superior location!" Em shoved a shield into his prosthetic hand and started charging towards the humans. The other goblins hesitated only slightly before fanning out a short distance behind him.
Em's foot splashed into the shallow water just as the first human reached them. Em yelled a war cry and sprayed the shopkeeper, but his unarmed foe merely blinked and let forth a harsh, resounding slap across Em's face. Em paused in shock, and a guard with a scimitar managed to dart around to strike his back. The other goblins closed into melee distance and Em moved again in an ashamed fury.
(Also somebody was shot. At some point.)"I've got him!" a pikegoblin yelled as he set upon the guard, stabbing his back. The guard slashed back, but the other goblins surrounded him too quickly for the guard to escape. For a few moments Em held off the shopkeeper alone, then the guard fell dead. The pikegoblins and goblin wrestlers split apart and leapt for different targets, two more guards reaching the fray. The humans quickly bunched together and angrily attacked outwards, the goblins matching them blow for blow. One human guard let out a scream and was flung dead a good twenty metres away.
"That was me!" Em declared above the noise, then reeled in pain as an attack landed with his head.
"Bulldust that was you!" a wrestler screamed, then a second time in agony as a bolt pierced his heart. Em ignored him and start kicking a nearby guard in the shin. The guard toppled over and cracked his skull open on a wet rock. Even as the human fell the last goblin wrestler was choked to death. Another few hostile figures appeared on the horizon. The pikegoblins shared a calculating look and then started running in terror.
"Cowards!" Em admonished to their backs. His movements were a blur against his attackers, the air was thick with a vile, peppery smell, but almost instantly the humans had surrounded Em. Em let out one last irritated scream, then his energy faltered and everything went black.
(Oh no! In fact, one might even say, oh deer!)- - -
Suddenly Em was freezing cold and a stream of bright light burned his eyes. He staggered and blinked. The image of a small cave slowly came into focus. Before him stood a vaguely familiar pikegoblin at a control station. A rope dangled down from a hole to a haunted forest. Em glanced backwards to see the clunky, whirring form of their clan's cloning machine.
"Son of ..." Em cursed, reaching for the pile of rags on the floor. His head ached terribly, but memories of his last data dump slowly surfaced. Something about a suspicious human town? Oh yes, Ago had sent Em and a few others to investigate. "How did I die this time? We must have nearly wiped the whole town off the map for a
human to land a blow on me!"
"Er, not quite," the pikegoblin snickered. "There were a couple of dozen guards, but I saw a shopkeeper finish you off while I ran."
"A SHOPKEEPER?!" Em shook his head in disbelief, then paused. A moment later he walked up to the pikegoblin and pointed at a random button on the controls. "Hey, remind me what that button does again?"
"I think it URGHK ...!" The pikegoblin's dead body fell with a thump and Em hurriedly shoved it into a closet. Nodding in satisfaction, Em tapped a name into the controls. The pod he had staggered out of closed and started to glow. Trails of frost and smoke leaked out. After a minute or so it clattered open and the pikegoblin emerged alive and nude.
"Woah. Em. What happened at Ramactaba?"
"A freak storm threw off our attack. I single handedly took down a dozen guards before being struck by lightning, and a shopkeeper somehow snuck through the rain and offed you."
It wasn't until much later when disposing of the body that Em noticed a loose sheet of paper stuffed into the pikegoblin's pockets. It was covered with strange shapes, and bore no writing save for a title: Sethreksas.
(This could plausibly be a motor used to heat a nude spa.)
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Topic: Goblin Story (There are dwarves in it now I SWEAR.) (Read 8787 times)