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[Ieb]

Reading this makes me wish I still was able to write something amusing like I once did in the past.

Good shit, man.
Pass some more this way.

[Heron TSG]

WAITWAITWAIT.

Would the REAL alternate continuity please stand?

[Sappho]

Fantacular.

[OneMoreNameless]

Chapter Five - Your Mother Jokes Are Highly Ineffective In Goblin Society
8th Timber, 503

Across Ilaskar there have always been dozens or more goblin clans. There are a variety of reasons for their constant separation; larger clans were actively hunted by human adventurers, many goblins perished at an early age from environmental dangers and all the baby stealing made families trees far too convoluted for clans of about six and up. Those who did remain together, at least, learned to trust each other and coordinate their pranks for far greater humour.

Kobolds were different, though. Goblin clans often taught a couple to speak and steal on their behalf, but the kobold brains rarely grasped the petty politics of their greener counterparts. As a result they drifted between clans once grown. Sometimes they weren't welcome, so they learned skills and tricks to rely on themselves. They were a distant community, rarely converging, but a community nonetheless. Only one thing truly divided the kobolds. One fact, sealed at birth, that made the difference between a welcome drifter and a struggling, unwanted mercenary: Those with simple, easy to yell names like "Treelis" and those with horrible, tongue twister names like "Chrofoloslaybis".

Chrodokosraybis was one of the latter. He usually shortened it to Chris or Rabies, but those only made him sound either too human or two biological warfarish respectively. His childhood was filled with the shame of having only a single mother since birth. In his teenage years he grew into agility so early  that the other goblins did not, in fact, believe it. By the time he left his first clan he was so far flung from the usual clan activities that he learned to view them from a distant, objective perspective. He didn't always get it, but saw patterns that others missed. To him, the whole world was a tantrum spiral waiting to happen no matter how many statues you shoved in people's faces. He didn't matter, so he didn't care and acted for his own amusement and scattered satisfaction.

So when Chris heard from a talkative goblin Ber the rumours surrounding Ramactaba, he decided he might be able to use this Sethreksas for his own benefit. If nothing else, the humans here had barrels full of food which they refused to eat, for some reason.


(Three year old fish sticks, om nom nom nom. MAGIC BARRELS YEAH.)

"You forgot tall, dark and handsome," Chris muttered to himself. He was watching the hatch from a nearby rooftop, and pondering a few things. The human town was quiet today, but occasionally a deep, monstrous growling could be heard from somewhere underground.

"War dogs, I hope," Chris smirked. "Or with everything else, I might need to check that hatch's serial number." He wriggled around to stare at the face of a guard. The guard glanced towards the hatch when the growling came, but didn't otherwise react.

"The missing trees will aggravate the elves, they can't afford that or they'll bring the war back to them," Chris spoke, his gaze shifting back to the hatch. "If Sethreksas wasn't a danger they'd get rid of it. If it was a danger, they wouldn't still be here. If it's a weapon, they wouldn't waste their time with dogs. So they don't even know what it is. Yes, that works." Chris scratched his head and swallowed a whole turtle. A few crunches later he winced and the undamaged shell popped out of his pants. "But a diorite hatch? That's deep stone, it doesn't blend in. An afterthought. Someone was overconfident. Or maybe not."

Chris frowned and tilted his head. In the distance he could hear a new noise, a dull thumping growing louder. It was a little scattered and clanky, almost like it was ... Chris slithered down the outside of the house and started sneaking towards the sound. When the human guard was looking elsewhere he dashed uphill and peered at the horizon, then froze.

"My god," Chris uttered in shock, staring into the rising sun and what it brought with it. "They weren't overconfident at all. This is bigger than anything I ever imagined. Everything makes horrible, horrible sense now. I am standing almost directly over the hatch. We are all in danger. I should really be running by now."

Even as he spoke furious roars carried down the hill, their criers following closely behind. The human guard turned his head curiously, then let out a yell and drew his weapon as he saw Chris. With a spark in his eye, Chris pulled the turtle shell out of his cape and kicked it along the ground. The shell blipped into the guard, knocking him over, then ricocheted back - but by then Chris was already sprinting out of the cursed town.


(I cannot help but feel a considerable number of chapters are going to inevitably end in this MANNEEEERRRRRR ...!)

- - -

The next day, Ago was greeted by an unusual kobold, sweat-drenched, wild-eyed and still breathing deeply.

"Yours is the closest clan to Ramactaba, no, to Sethreksas. If you don't fully understand the danger you face and act now, there might not be anyone left to clone you," Chris pressed, staring Ago deep in the eyes.

"What is Sethreksas?" Ago asked, unmoved.

"Give me twenty fresh kittens and I'll tell you," Chris offered with a cheesy grin.

"Get this prick the hell out," Ago ordered two wrestlers nearby, then reached for his club. Chris swiftly complied, only glancing over his shoulder for one last potshot.

"That's what she said!"

[Vayre]

looking good so far, very good writing =3

[OneMoreNameless]

Chapter Six - Underdogs Are Underdogs Because They Fail
17th Granite, 504

"I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored," Nako droned. He sighed slowly and deeply. The camp fire he was sitting in front of had long burned out, so he idly grabbed a handful of charcoal and started drawing patterns across his face.

"I get it. Ex five," Ber replied with little more interest in her voice. "We still have that book called Elf Story that Gribs found a while ago, if you wanted to read that."

"Read?" Nako asked in confusion. Ber pursed her lips, but Nako was too busy smearing his face to notice. "Check it out! I've invented camouflage! Now the humans will never spot us at night!"

"Omnipresent lamps," Ber reminded. Nako cursed and chucked the charcoal aside. A moment later an irritated yell and another shoe were chucked back, narrowly missing Nako's head. Nako yawned and added the footwear to his growing pile.

"I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored ..." Nako started again, staring directly at Ber's expensively covered feet. Then he stopped, a smile spreading across his face. To the audience of Ber's raised eyebrow, Nako stood and started yelling across to nearby camp fires. "ALRIGHT GOBLINS. This is what's going to happen now! Are you idle? Are you bored? Are you somehow and due to unrelated persons unknown missing a pair of shoes? Well, get your lucky arses into line, because we're going to go trash the heck out of Ramactaba and distribute free shoes in that order!"

- - -


(How goblins "ambush" humans who are basically standing still I will never figure out.)

In what seemed like seconds, but was really two days of tedious travel and ongoing contemplation of "there" and whether the goblins were yet, Nako stood at the fringes of Ramactaba with all of four fellow wrestlers and two crossbowers. A frightening force they were not, but after forty eight hours of putting up with Nako's leadership they had exhausted the possibilities of rock-paper-anything and were about ready to snap at the first available target whether it moved or not.

"I can see elvish merchants up ahead. We'd better not head too far north," one of the crossbowers commented. "It's strange, you wouldn't think they'd still be trading now that the humans have wiped out the forest here."

"Technically there's one tree left. No!" one of the wrestlers commented, putting on a faux elven accent. "There is potential for a thousand trees! Oh, nature!"

"I LOVE YOU!" Nako screamed, diving to the ground and messily kissing the dirt. The other goblins chortled merrily, then suddenly fell silent. Nako continued for several more seconds before slowly raising his head to see a human farmer and ranger staring at them. Nako awkwardly spat dirt out while one of the crossbowers sniggered. "Oh shut up and shoot them."

The two crossbowers pulled out a handful of bolts from their backpack, and the humans started running. Nako grinned and gestured for the rest of the goblins to charge. Bolts and a few arrows from the ranger flew, but not one of them reached their targets. After a few volleys the humans and goblins both shrugged and slowed down, walking towards each other at a more casual pace while the projectiles rustled bushes nearby. Eventually, the two races entered melee range.


(Also known to goblins as "odor range".)

"Rock, paper, knuckle sandwich!" Nako yelled happily to the perplexed ranger, tearing at his face. The ranger screamed and started bashing the goblins around him with his bow. The farmer shook his head and joined in the brawl, throwing punches and yelling cockney battle cries. The goblins swung punches straight ahead of them, while the humans carefully sidestepped and managed to position themselves around their foes. A loud crack shortly followed and the farmer staggered with a badly wounded leg. Nako laughed and ran teasing circles around him, while the other goblins kept pummelling at the ranger.

"Could you guys just, maybe, stand still for two seconds?" a crossbower exclaimed irritably, shooting another bolt into thin air. The wrestlers ignored him, and let out a victorious cry when the bruised and bloodied ranger finally sagged to the ground whimpering slightly. Only a second later the farmer took advantage of the situation to crack an elbow into the back of a wrestlers head, knocking him out.

"Bax is down! Bax is down! Everybody run!" another wrestler screamed, breaking away from the fight and streaking south. The rest of the goblins impulsively followed, with the crossbowers throwing down their weapons and stomping on them for a bit first. After a moment Nako stopped and looked back.

"Wait, why are we running? There's only one human awake and all he's doing is hopping!" Nako exclaimed.


(Goblins seem so much wussier when you're rooting for them.)

"You think I'm going to die and forget about those shoes you owe me?" one wrestler offered in explanation before fleeing out of sight. Nako snorted and turned around to sneer at the hopping farmer failing to chase any of them. This entertainment lasted about five seconds before he noticed a tall maceman hefting a weapon and striding towards the fallen goblin.

Nako adopted his best mock karate pose and charged towards the human. The maceman noticed the attack and veered around Bax's unconscious body, now aiming squarely at Nako. Nako let out a loud yell and pushed his open palm towards the maceman's head. The blow bounced off harmlessly and left Nako's palm stinging painfully.

Across the field Bax vomited and blearily blinked. Had he died already? Wait, no, he could still feel grass beneath him. There had only been a couple of humans, right, so the others must have won while he was out. Although his body hurt enough that he might not even be able to wear shoes at this point. Yeah, he'd better glance over and check that his feet were ...


("I've never had this much fun in my LLIIIIFFFFFFE ...!")

"Damn it," Bax muttered as the maceman walked back over to him with deliberate slowness. Bax braced himself as the weapon struck his gut, expelling both air and breakfast from his body, and sending him flying over the grass. Bax tried to sigh, failed, and instead relaxed his body while staring up at the clouds. The warm wind soothed his battered torso and tickled inside his nostrils. "Hey, this is actually pretty fuBLARG!"


(I'll give it 6.5. Your distance is impressive, but your blood spraying needs work to improve the performance.)



Omake - Elf Story
Alternate Continuity Goblin Story

Fima Waraimepe lightly ran his finger down the oak's trunk. It was smooth, and seemed to him to shudder just slightly under his touch. The leaves rustled appreciatively.

"I love you, nature," Fima whispered to the beautiful wood, pressing himself against it. "All I want is live my life peacefully ... within you." The wind blew gently and a branch tickled Fima's back, snagging at his belt. Fima smiled coyly and pressed the limb against his cheek. "Hold on for a moment, allow me to strip you of this cumbersomeness dead bark."

Fima dug his fingers deep into the backside of the oak, letting out a quiet moan of effort as the bark cracked and fell from his hand. He laughed playfully and brushed his lips against the soft wood that had been reveal, sap seeping out-

AND THEN A BEAR APPEARED AND ATE EVERYONE. EVEN THE TREE ARGH, now I can't this out of my mind. For the love of Armok, somebody pass the brain bleach! I'm just going to go and cry for a while now.

[smjjames]

lol,is that last bit suppoused to be elf porn?

[Haspen]

I love the story! It's so--

*looks on the elf bit*

I will be sleeping with lights on from now.

[rubberduck]

Now I finally, truly understand the hatred of elves.

From now on I'll need to kill any elf that sets foot near my fortress.

Those poor trees! We make beds out of those you know.

[Blackburn]

Now, tree, tell me where the elf touched you.

Tree: He...he touched me...down...OH GOD--*cut down by dwarf for bed*


I love this story. I love your style. It makes me smile.

[OneMoreNameless]

Chapter Seven - So Many Snatchers You'd Swear It Was Lesbian Porn
22nd Granite, 504

Rabies stifled a bored yawn and scanned the surrounding buildings from his vantage point on the shale block roof. Chrodokosraybis was back in Ramactaba and despite his recent revelation, little had changed on the surface.

"It's almost like we lower races just don't have anything better to do with our time than sit around and stare at small, uninteresting groups of people go about their day to day business while knowing they're being constantly scrutinised by hidden cameras I MEAN kobolds," Rabies commented to himself, shaking his head. He'd returned to the town a week ago now and watched Nako's spur of the moment debacle from hiding. That Sethreksas had remained in hiding confirmed that he still had time to move around safely.

"If Ago won't trust the word alone of a kobold informant, well, there's only one thing left to do," Rabies spoke dramatically, not for the first time that day. "Babysit a child and then steal them for ransom money while cunningly disguised ... as a goblin. Yes, that such a plan should surely require a friendly demeanour to pull off means that by engaging in a hostile deception nobody will suspect a thing - and furthermore, the apparent lack of forethought, even if suspected of being an act, will convince the humans they I must know their response in advance, causing them to subconsciously thwart their instinctual approach of protection in order to subvert my plans!"

"Not," Rabies corrected himself quietly, "That I should be saying this out loud." He glanced over his disguise one last time, then pulled out a hand mirror to reapply some lipstick. Goblins didn't actually wear lipstick, as far as he knew, but the obviously poor caricature would only enhance its authenticity were it suspected as a ploy. With a satisfied nod he shoved his cloak out of sight and strolled out into the open. There were three humans nearby, two male with axes and one female with a sword. Rabies considered this for a moment and then walked up to the nearest axeman.


(Because approaching the women and children would be just what they'd expect.)

"Excuse me, sir," Rabies greeted, breaking the axeman out of what appeared to be a deeply religious trance. "Are there currently any openings for employment within your daycare centres?"

"GOBLIN!" The axeman let out an unearthly screech and fled downhill, leaving Rabies to wonder if he hadn't confused the genders somehow. The other humans turned to watch him warily, a few letting out gasps and excusing themselves to meet appointments and wash their hair. Rabies hopelessly chased after the axeman for a few steps, then changed his mind and approached a nearby shopkeeper.

"Hi!" Rabies greeted warmly, offering a handshake. "Have you considered a more convenient method of parenting than-"

"I'll rip your balls off, goblin," the shopkeeper scowled, miming said action. Rabies changed his mind again, frustratedly running after the swordswoman.

"I WANT YOUR BABIES!" Rabies yelled earnestly, then blinked. "Uh ..."

"Get away from me, you creep!" the swordswoman exclaimed, shooing him with her sword and slowly backing away. Rabies frowned and looked around for another potential target. A moment later another angry cry echoed around the town, but surprisingly this time it wasn't directed at him.

"Snatcher! Protect the children!"

"LIES! The last refuge of helpless cowards!" Rabies watched a goblin with a fake hand burst out of a nearby home. The goblin drew himself to full height, ran a hand through his hair to comb it, and then start running southwards.

"Hey, aren't you Evildeer?" Rabies asked, blocking the goblin's path. Em scowled at the name, but nodded, hopping from side to side and trying to get away.

"Ha ha HA! Yes, it is I!" Em boomed, ducking to the ground and trying to roll under Rabies. Rabies casually kicked him in the face. In the distance an angry guard started to approach the two. "The Emancipator of Goblins, The Embarrasser of Humans, The Emergency Preventer, The Emerald Emperor ... and so on, Em! Sigh and allay your fears for it is your lucky day, fellow ... wait." Em stopped hopping and squinted at Rabies's face accusingly. "You're a kobold."

"Or is that just what I want you to think?" Rabies countered. Em had no sensible response to that, and instead attempted to use a tree to wall kick over Rabies's head. "So what are you in for?"

"I am," Em declared, unsuccessfully feinting to one side. "Singlehandedly scouting and ENTIRELY honourably sabotaging this pitiful excuse for a town's military, so that my clan shall once more be safe from their hostile expansion. Unarmed, of course, to keep things interesting!"

"I can see that guard over there brandishing your weapon," Rabies commented. "And you seem to be running."

"You seem to be a kobold!" Em exclaimed, only to gasp and point somewhere behind Rabies. Rabies didn't look, although he could see the angry guard getting much closer now.

"No, I'm goblin'," Rabies insisted, pulling a chunk of stolen cheese from his pocket to demonstrate. Em clenched his fists and stared at Rabies, then suddenly cupped a hand over his ears.

"Hark! What's that sound?" Em cried, appearing to listen intently. Rabies didn't hear anything. "Oh no! I can hear crackling flames and the fearful screams of dozens of goblin orphans! I have to save them!" With this, Em turned and ran off to the west.

"Goblins don't even have ...! Oh screw it, I'm out of here." Rabies grabbed his cloak again and walked away over the brook. A guard on the other side stared at Rabies as he walked right passed her, but was either too zombified from the sickness, too confused from Rabies's disguise or too busy fantasising about a nude spa to bother stopping him. Or possibly just inept at her job and sleeping with her eyes open. "One of those things, anyway."


(Agile | Very Tough | Extremely Blind)



Omake - Later, At The Orphanage
Alternate Continuity Goblin Story

"Aah! Help me!" the young goblin cried, leaning helplessly out the third story window. Flames were already crackling around the roof of the willow building, and the bottom floor was little more than shaky charcoal and roaring fire. The orphanage's sign was long ruined, a trail of ashes by the entrance the only hint that this doomed building was once a safe haven. Tear drops fell from another child trapped on a second story balcony, but they did nothing against the hellish fury.

"Jump! I'll catch you!" Em yelled upwards, charging below the children with his arms open. Wisps of flame hissed at him, but didn't dare touch his already tattered clothing.

"I ... I can't!" the child sobbed. She inched back towards the building only to scream as the balcony doorway collapsed behind her.

"Hark! What's that sound?" Em suddenly yelled, cupping a hand around his ear while the child wailed. "Oh no! I can hear the marching of a human guard and the startled yelp of a kobold thief! I have to save him!" With this, Em turned and ran into the forest, leaving the building to slowly crumble into a conveniently cremated grave.

[OneMoreNameless]

Chapter Eight - The Storm Before The Calm Before The Storm
7th Slate, 504

"Alright. Now this time, I know my plan is going to work," Chris declared. Once again, and to nobody's particular surprise, he stood in the western area of Ramactaba. There was only one shopkeeper in sight, and she hadn't noticed the skulking kobold yet. Chris was wearing the same goblin disguise as his last outing, but refined it to blend in more naturally with other goblins. Of more importance were the three items he carried: a length of rope, a steel drum and a large plump helmet.

"With these items and a little footwork, all I need to do is-"

"FIRE!"

"What- OW!" Chris exclaimed, clutching his bleeding side. He instinctively started running, then spun around just in time to see a glimpse of a hunter and a more prominent hail of bolts flying towards him. "Oh for Armok's sake." As if to add insult to injury, it immediately started literally raining. Chris's palm just barely reached his face before the first bolt struck.

- - -

Later that day, Chris coughed and staggered out of a cloning machine. Amxu Turastoltad - head of Chris's current clan and secretly called "Brainroasted" by her less strict followers - stood at the controls and very slowly sighed.

"HTH," Amxu greeted unemotionally, keeping her eyes far away from Chris's naked body. "IIRC, I was having a very pleasant dream before this interrupted me."

"Good. I'm glad," Chris replied irritably. He looked around the small, grassy hill the machine had been hauled to, then frowned. "Where are my clothes?"

"IDK," Amxu shrugged, meandering off. "I think we're out. Steal some or whatever."

"Don't whatever me!" Chris exclaimed, but Amxu ignored him. "Gah, I really need to earn some good karma for a change."


Omake - It's Chrodokosraybis Bleeding!
The Exact Same Continuity Goblin Story


(And I'm not even sure where all that blood came from.)

"Hey, screw you too buddy."

[scuba]

nice story.. you should turn it into a community story if not then keep up the good work

[Blackburn]

That's a lot of blood in one goblin.

Or maybe it's the results of Chris clones constantly wandering in and getting killed horribly.

[Heron TSG]

Is Goblin Polo played in a sea of goblin blood?