11th Felsite, 209, Late Spring
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One wrestler, one macedwarf, six peasants, one butcher, one blacksmith, one potashmaker-- I mean mason, one hunter-- I mean mason, one herbalist, one metalsmith, one fisher, one bonecarver, one armorsmith, two stoneworkers, one animal tamer, and two children. These all came along with the latest count, consort, and... a philosopher!
Lolor Ekastathel, the Count, waltzes right into the dining room and stands on a table.
"Ah, Severedcoils! What a quaint
county you have here! Well, fear not, laborers! I, Lolor, have come to bring you wealth and prosperity! See the fine dwarves I have brought with me! I have brought along just enough to make this place a Duchy! See? Already, I bring you wealth!"
Grendus bangs her (Copper war hammer) once on Arbostsarvesh, the adamantine buckler. "We've been doing a pretty good job of that ourselves."
Lolor jumps down from the green glass table, completely ignoring the rising concerns of the dwarves around him. He looked around the room, scoffing at the engravings all over.
"Egads, how atrocious! 'The Influential Charity?' A masterfully designed image relating to the ascension of the dwarf Zon Castleweakened the Skinny Morals to leadership of The Crypt of Crowns in the early spring of 201? Who calls this 'masterfully designed??" What kind of a name is 'Castle
weakened for a leader, anyway?"
Tholtig Gúradil sulked. "Hey, that's
my masterfully designed image of Zon Castleweakened the Skinny Morals the dwarf and dwarves..."
My eye started to twitch, as Lolor Saveringed (as if
that's a better name for a leader) paraded through the halls, nitpicking at everything in his way.
"Egads! What's this watery mess doing next to the stairwell? I refuse to walk through so much mud and filth every time I use the stairs!"
"That's our mist generator," I say boldly, arms crossed and beard thoroughly ruffled. "It keeps us happy through the goblin sieges."
"Mist be damned! I demand this wreck be shut down, and the stairs mopped, and-- dear Kovest, you're all covered in blood and vomit! Have you dwarves been working
outside?!"
"Here, Lolor, you must be weary from your journey!" Let me escort you to your room. It's right downstairs... we'll take the
other stairway, if we absolutely must avoid the mud."
"Oh, we
absolutely must do something about your clothing! What's a woman such as yourself doing in XX-cave spider silk trousers-XX?? Have you no shame? Is that giant bat blood spatter??"
"You bet your noble ass it is... but come! Your lovely quarters await! It's fortunate that one such as yourself should be so obsessed with cleanliness -
((DFMA)) ((Movie)) your room is the only one with a functioning shower!"
I reset the trap and head back inside-- only to find a witness has followed me with the duke!!
"Ack! Um... Imush! You didn't see anything, did you?"
"...
Ha, ha, real funny! Is that another crack at me missing both eyes??"
"Oh... Um, sorry! What are you doing here, anyway?"
"I had a question to ask of Lolor, so I followed. I was hoping he brought some spare eyeballs with him. I fell asleep for a bit, though to be honest it's kind of hard to tell when I'm awake and when I'm unconscious - it's dark either way. Then I woke up here! Where is 'here,' anyway?"
"Oh! Uhh... you're... in the magma forges! Goodness, Imush, be careful where you step! You might fall into a smelter and get burned by magma!"
Imush raised an eyeless eyebrow. "Wait a minute... the forges have a very
particular scent about them. Like magma, and burning rock, and dwarf sweat. Here it just smells... dusty, and musty, and faintly of a groundhog bone... cabinet? What room is this, anyway?"
I was frantically searching my mind for a better lie, and then-- "Oh! You can't tell whether you're awake or asleep?"
"Uh huh."
"Then, clearly, you're dreaming! No such room exists in the fort!"
"I'm dreaming? But my dreams usually make a lot less sense than this."
"The prickle berries said they think your hoary marmot turned midnight blue. You'd better bake some aluminum grass. Here, swallow this giant eagle, and then you can encrust finished goods with donkey tallow."
"Ah, yes, I'm definitely dreaming," nodded Imush. I'll just be on my way then. I wonder where I can find Lolor...
Imush wandered out of the room.
Phew!! That was a close one...
As I'm walking out the snaking passageway to the duke's deathtrap, I pass the new philosopher.
"Oh, hi. You must be--"
"Yes, yes, of course. One moment, you forgot to reset your lever."
A chill runs through my beard. "I... I did? How did you know?"
"I'm Quietust, the philosopher! I know! And one must never leave their levers unpulled. Excuse me!"
"Um... do you know what that lever
does?"
"I assume it must be something completely unimportant and inconsequential, otherwise you wouldn't have forgotten to pull it again! A moment, please."
Quietust rushes on to go and pull the lever again to close the trap. I could have sworn I had already done that... Regardless, I hate to be rude, but I'm of no mind to meet anyone right now, so I sneak off while she's busy.