4th Galena, 208, Late Summer
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Lady Inod, still laid up in the barracks, is causing a bit of a tizzy.
"And
how many kills do you have, Grendus Furyroofs the Imprisoned Taxes?"
"Fourteen and counting, my lady. My first was a human, the rest have all been goblins from there."
"Fourteen! Dearie me, that's a big number! And what of you, Archibold Bridgebolt the Equivalent Ram of Artifacts?"
"Haha! 66 notable kills and 7 rhesus macaques! And you thought 14 was a big number!"
"Goodness, gracious! That is a very big number!"
Elizar interrupts the exchange. "Bah! Number of kills is nothing if you're simply killing them. How many goblins have you strangled to death with a tastefully arranged restraint crafted of their own intestines? How many goblin hides have you pulled inside out and pasted to the archery targets just outside these walls with their own blood, using nothing but your -Steel short sword?-"
"Impressive... but how many kills do
you have?"
"11, but that's not the point--"
"But it's the point I'm making! You do not carry any artifacts with you into battle! Olin Fortressash the Slick Smiles has fifteen kills and one macaque, and he gets to wear Leshalmamot, the Mournful Plaits, a Platinum low boot!"
"Mournful is right," Archibold commented. "She complains all the time about its weight! That boot was once measured at 321¬. Imagine lugging that thing around all day, every day, on one leg!"
"Yet she continues to do so for the glory of the Swift Arches! How about that?"
"Bah," Elizar said again. "I don't need artifacts to do that. I
create artifacts from goblin gall and vomit! Didn't you see that lovely painting on the wall near the main gate I made out of goblin blood and vomit? I used hair from his scalp as a paintbrush!"
"I did, and I also saw that it was washed away in the recent rain! Anyway, my point is that there seems to be a bit of confusion between the two of you over
your artifacts."
Grendus raised an eyebrow. "Who? Archibold and I?"
"Archibold has over five times as many kills as you, and yet you continue to let him carry Kobembetan, Troubledcalm, a buckler made of grizzly bear leather! And yet you wield Arbostsarvesh, The Deified Furnace, an
Adamantine buckler! What say you?"
Archibold and Grendus looked at each other's bucklers. "Well," Grendus started, "he seemed pretty happy with the one he already had! Right, Arch?"
At this time, Ineth Olinurol, a child of 'Legon' Dastototin, Captain of the Guard and Atķr Stukosromlam, woodcutter, wanders into the barracks. He had been on his way to collect some wild strawberries from the outdoor farm, but distracted by the commotion of the nearby barracks, curiosity got the better of him. It didn't help that Ineth has always been Archibold's biggest fan.
"Of course!" Archibold said proudly. "My ferocity in battle - it is like the fury of the grizzly bear! I have befriended the Stray Grizzly Bear (Tame) restrained in the zoo, despite me carrying around the flesh of a fellow bear as protection! It suits me well."
"Oh, sure... if you're willing to settle for a bear, while your colleague bears the housing of
demons at his side."
"Demons??" Ineth exclaimed to himself.
Grendus laughed. "Ah, little Ineth! Here to watch some more sparring? Pay no mind to Inod's talk of demons, my boy. 'Tis but an old wives' tale. Surely, demons once roamed the land and lead the goblins to battle, but they are no more! And the relation between adamantine and demons has never been proven."
"Because all who witness the relation have been
slaughtered before they could tell anyone about it!"
"Then how'd
you hear of it?"
"...Anyway. I have a new demand. Archibold and Grendus, you must trade bucklers! Then, you will be correctly representing the amount of dedication you have shown the Swift Arches in your killing of its enemies."
"Trade bucklers?! Never!"
Archibold laughed. "Really, it isn't necessary. I'm good enough as it is! The added protection of adamantine is wasted on me, when it could be put to better use with someone else."
"Yeah! You tell her, Archibold!" Ineth cheered.
"Now, wait just a moment," Grendus said as she put her hands on her hips and glared at Archibold. "What exactly are you trying to say here? That I need more protection because of my skill?"
"Did I say that? No, I think it was you who said it, just now!"
"A sparring, then!" exclaimed Inod. "Whoever wins gets to keep Arbostsarvesh!"
"Oh, boy! Let him have it, Archibold!"
As Archibold and Grendus took their places fifteen paces from one another, Elizar knelt down beside the young Ineth.
"Ok, Ineth! I want you to pay real close attention to what happens here today. Combat is an
art, don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Concentrate on watching Grendus's movements - Archibold is an
efficient killer because he goes straight for the kill zone and leaves it at that, but Grendus has a sense of style to her fighting."
"But I want to watch Archibold!"
The sparring began. Archibold surprised Grendus by swinging her (≡«-Iron flail-»≡) low at his knees, but the attack was blocked by the adamantine buckler! Grendus jabbed at Archibold's shoulder with her -Steel short sword,- but the blow was blocked by the grizzly bear leather buckler! Archibold swung again, this time aiming to wrap his ball-on-a-chain around Grendus's shield, but again the blow was blocked. Grendus stabbed at Archibold's foot to disable him, but could not get the blade around Archibold's grizzly bear leather buckler!
"Elizar, this fight is
boring! They just keep hitting each other's bucklers!"
"Ah, 'tis the sharp edge of the brush for artifact equipment. They are Beyond Quality - they only compare to other artifacts. A piece of artifact armor can block almost any blow, especially if it's a buckler or shield - not to mention the wealth they add to the fortress! Beyond that, they are works of art beyond compare. But those amazing enhancements to combat come at a price: the
thrill of combat is sacrificed to ensure victory!"
"Brushes don't have sharp edges, Elizar."
"They do when your brush is a sword!"
"So if I create an artifact, it makes people really happy, and the fort gets wealthier. Huh! I should do that."
"Aha... but Ineth, you're just a child! You can't create an artifact."
Ineth stamped his foot into the red sand. "Who says I can't! I'm going to go create an artifact
right now! And I don't want anyone bothering me while I do it!"
Grendus and Archibold ceased their sparring as they watched the boy leave.
"I say! Archibold, did you hear that?"
"The sound of a groundhog giving birth?"
"No... what? No! Ew! Ineth has withdrawn from society and is going to create an artifact!"
"Oh, yeah, I heard that. Let's go see what he makes!"
"Wait!" Inod shouted after them. "What about your sparring? Aren't you going to stay and entertain me?"
Elizar coughed. "I could give you my famous sock puppet performance again, if you like."
"Those weren't socks you used last time; they were the skins of goblin feet!"
"When you think about it, skin is really just a big ol' sock that you live in."
Ineth grabs the three things nearest to him - a turtle shell, rough yellow zircons, and a (Lead bar) from the trade depot just downstairs of the crafts shop he claimed, and begins working immediately. I guess he's more interested in proving that he
can make an artifact than making a good one.
Ineth finds Elizar in the dining hall the next day and shows him the crown. "See? Kids
can make artifacts!"
Elizar inspects the crown with surprise. "What, already?! We just talked about this yesterday! You mean to tell me you created this in just one day??"
"One in a half, really, but yes!"
Elizar inspected the craftsdwarfship closely. "And you didn't even cut corners... I've never seen an artifact created in such little time! You're a little child prodigy, aren't you?"
"You think Archibold will wear it?"
"Oh, I bet I know who'll wear it..." Elizar withdrew from his X(muskox leather dress)X a tanned, skinned goblin foot and put it over his hand. Using his thumb to move the toes of the goblin hide up and down like the mouth of a puppet, he started speaking in a higher pitch to emulate the puppet's voice.
"Hello, Ineth! I'm King Gobtoe! Want to crown me as leader of Gobfootatopia?"
"Elizar, you're wearing a dress and you're playing with a goblin's foot in public."
"It's ART!!"
I henceforth retract everything I've ever written about Asėnites and their strange views of art.