10th Felsite, 206, Late Spring
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19 migrants, plus the Count (he immediately changed his title upon entering the gate... typical), his consort, the hammerer, and the tax collector.
I soon found Tholtig the Count and his entorage in the bestiary/statue garden (which, by the way, now contains a mating pair of wolves and a grizzly bear). Tholtig was prying open the giant eagle's beak, inspecting her critically as the beast reared and screeched in protest.
"So, these are the hideous beasts you've been raising here? Hmph... You could have done better. Why can't you catch a unicorn?"
"Because these are
Untamed Wilds. Unicorns aren't native to this area. You can't train them, anyway."
"Foul little dwarf, are you questioning my knowledge?" Tholtig procured a (narrow giant cave spider silk sock) that he apparently
stole from one of the stockpiles and wiped his hands on it.
I'll be damned if I'm going to let some stuck-up noble in a purple coat talk to
me like that. "Oh, I'm sorry, I mistook you for a Count! Forgive me, but our fortress already has a Dungeon Master. We only need one know-it-all of the animal kingdom."
"Zon!"
Of course. King Minkot, to the bloody rescue. Not surprising, he spends all his time in here anyway. Heck, if I didn't know better I'd think he was hanging out and conversing with the animals like Kikrost. "Zon, this is no way to treat an honored guest! Tholtig, it's good to see you again!"
"Likewise, your majesty. I trust you're keeping this... humble county in line?"
"Oh, no no... that's
your job! That's what I pay Counts to do, right?"
"Ha, yes... of course, the menial labor will still be taken care of by your slaves here, yes?"
"Of course, of course... Zon, why don't you show Tholtig to his room? You know... the one you prepared specially for him?"
"Oh, I'd be
more than happy to, your highness." I turn and start walking towards the door. "Tholtig, right this way."
"Would you be so kind to escort my lady, Inod, as well, little shrew?"
"Oh, but Tholtig, you've never introduced me to your lovely Consort! Inod, was it?" The King took her hand and kissed it several times, and she giggled and tittered and blushed like a little elven girl. "If you'd be so kind, I should like to get to know her personally..."
Tholtig stood, dumbfounded, wringing the (narrow giant cave spider silk sock) in his hands nervously. "Um... Yes, um... yes, alright, I... I suppose that is most agreeable. Ah... I mean, by your majesty's wisdom..."
"Oh, come off it, Tholtig!" His wife, Inod, shooed him away. "You don't know how to have any fun. Go and find someone to unpack my things for me, won't you?"
Tholtig strolled out the door with me, hiding his defeat. "Don't worry," I said to him as we went down the stairs, "His Majesty wouldn't try anything funny with all those other dwarves and animals around. I mean, not unless your wife's into the weird stuff."
"Just show me to my room... Ew, is that giant bat blood spatter on your left eye?!"
I stop. "One thing real quick. Here." I thrust my (Steel battle axe) into his awkward hands.
"Augh! What are you doing? Careful, I can't get splinters in my well-manicured hands!"
"Just as I thought... never held an axe in your life. Just had to be sure."
"Now just you wait one minute--"
"We wouldn't want to get you the wrong weapon rack! I had a really nice, elegant, useless looking one commissioned for you, but then I thought 'What if he's been in battle? He might want a more rugged, fierce, well-used-looking gabbro rack, not some expertly crafted, well-decorated *«¤Aluminum weapon rack¤»*."
"...Well-decorated, you say?" He's really going at that (narrow giant cave spider silk sock) now... the way he's pulling at it, it's about to become a x(narrow giant cave spider silk sock)x. "Does it... does it menace with spikes of ivory? Is it encircled with bands of giant cave spider silk?"
"
Masterfully woven giant cave spider silk."
"And- and- is it studded with gold?!"
"On the item is an image of Tholtig Greatkeys the dwarf and dwarves in gold. Tholtig Greatkeys is surrounded by the dwarves. The image relates to the ascension of Tholtig Greatkeys to Count of Severedcoils in 206."
"Ah... yes... yes! It's perfect! Take me to it! Please!"
Oh, but Tholtig, I'm not done teasing you yet. "This way."
I lead him down the hall to the consort's bedroom. "This is where your wife will be staying. As you can see, the entire room is engraved, she has a ¤Gabbro cabinet¤, a ¤Basalt coffer¤, a ≡Basalt armor stand≡..."
"My, it's all rock!"
"And she'll have the privileged honor of rooming right next door to King Minkot! How about
that?!Tholtig winced. "Don't you have metal furniture?"
"
You do. Come, let me show you her dining room!"
"Enough! I would like very much to see
my rooms, at once!"
I smirk. "Oh, of course! You'll love them so much, why, you won't ever come out! They'll be the last rooms you ever see!"
We walk up and down the intentionally winding hall to his room. "Why is this hall so twisty? Is it really necessary?"
"That's what we call
deterrent. I'm sure you want bothered as little as possible in your new home! But oh, the people! They'll always be coming to your door, begging your attention, wanting your opinion on things and bothering you. But wait... to get to your room, they'll have to think of walking up and down this hallway and say 'Eh... You know what? I'd rather just wait until I see him later."
"That... well... that does sound rather... thoughtful?"
"You're welcome!"
Finally, I bring him inside to his hovel, which compared to his wife's room might as well be a refuse stockpile.
"What... what is this? What is this?! The bed, the chest, the
green glass throne... they're all of base quality!"
"Yeah, but get a load of that ≡Basalt table!≡ Too good for you, eh?"
He looked around a little more and--
yes, that's the face of disgust I was waiting for. "Oh my god! Is that...
a cabinet made of groundhog bone?!"
"
Two groundhog bones! Get a load of
that dwarven miracle!"
"This is an outrage!! What is this madness?! What happened to my weapon rack?"
"Oh, sorry! Guess I forgot to mention... this is your
foyer! I haven't shown you your room yet! This way."
We get outside to the bottomless pit. Standing before him, the narrow platform and its lever beckons.
"Wha... gracious, this looks awfully dangerous!"
"Nonsense! This is your bathroom!"
"...My
bathroom?! Why, it's... it's... gigantic!"
"Yes! Now, just imagine how big your
throne room is!"
"Look at all this space! My, that hole goes on forever!!"
"That's the drain to your new shower!"
"
I have my own shower?"
((DFMA)) ((Movie)) "Go ahead! Try it out! Pull the lever!!"Inod has already heard that her husband was lost, but does not know how. Wow... the king must be moving in on her fast! He must have presumed the mission was successful and broke the news to her early.
I pull the lever a second time to reset the trap. Somehow, it is soothing. Like... I have made a sacrifice to Kovest- nay, Armok himself, and I sense that he is pleased with me. The first victim of the dwarven baptism chamber, and certainly, not the last. I think the tax collector will be next... we don't need an economy, we can do without. Don't know about the hammerer, though...
Look at me. I've just committed murder and it doesn't phase me in the least. I don't understand myself... and yet... in another way, I do. This fortress has seen many trials and failures under my lead, all leading to this moment and others like it in the future. And I'm at peace with this fate. I have but one regret:
Tholtig didn't notice the mist from the dwarven baptism chamber.
Author
Topic: Severedcoils - Consort Accumulation Challenge (Score: 5) (40d + DnD 5e) (Read 130355 times)