I have always lacked social intuition. My parents, teachers and anyone who has done as much as observe me a little can testify for this. I struggle greatly with conversing. Talking is no problem. I can talk. I can express myself and describe things when prompted. I can crack jokes and been told that I am funny. I have even been told I am good at talking...
The key words above are "when" and "prompted." I can do it, but. Only. When. Prompted. Only when necessary. Only when required. Meaningless small talk (spontaneous exchange of unessential/readily apparent/mostly mundane information to signify socialising intent and friendliness, used to form and strengthen bonds) is not a thing for me.
I struggle with small talk, basically. I absolutely hated the concept and wanted others to conform to my standards when I was an angsty young teenager. Now, as an angsty young adult, I realise that neither of the ways are more superior than the other. I was very, very cringe. And I am still cringe, but it is much less toxic now.
I can't help but feel a bit envious about how easy and instinctive others find forming/maintaning bonds to be. It is exceedingly difficult for me. They always have a thing to talk about. They always have thing to say. They can keep interacting for hours on end. I can't. I do the greeting, then run out of relevant information to relay, and then just... can't do anything like a gun out of ammo.
I usually talk to who I consider to be prized acquaintances when I need something. And I am not stupid; I can see how that looks like from their and a potential third party perspective. Someone that uses them when he needs things done or got, and otherwise contributes nothing to their lives. I don't wanna be that. I don't wanna look like a piece of shit. I am not a piece of shit. Am I?
I dunno. It is all too confusing.