Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Great Order]

Gah, fucking pissing shit I hate evolutionary biology. I'm going to get this assignment in late even though I already had an extension because it's so bloody dull that I can't focus on it, and I understand it so little (Due to aforementioned dullness making me zone out during lectures (not helped by the lecturer being so horrendously boring I'd rather bloody go and give my dick a paper cut just to have some stimulation during her lectures)) that it gives me enough anxiety to feel like I need to throw up.

It's due in 12 fucking hours. God I hate this course, I'll be glad to see the back of it.

[dragdeler]

Trump's "God Bless the USA Bible."

Nah that's pretty great it defiles so many worthless things at once, and people will still cherrypick and argue in defense... Heh I'd say it's a great investment of 60$ if it weren't for the fact that one can huff a lot of glue for that kind of money. Limited edition when?

[McTraveller]

Feeling very discouraged.

Had my entire division's project at work get cancelled, and we have a running clock on when to find another position with the company before getting a severance.  All my internal leads have fizzled, and while I have some external options, the one that's likely to give a written offer first doesn't really excite me that much (it's not bad, it just doesn't "thrill" me... you know? I don't want to feel like I'm settling...), and I don't know that I'll get one in writing from a different opportunity that is more appealing fast enough - as I've got a 3rd round of interviews with that one coming up.

This is the first time in my 25 year career I've not been making a job decision on my own volition, and it feels...odd.

Ugh.

[TD1]

Take the 'settling' option as a means to put bread on the table, but keep feelers out for a better job?

Security in the short term and all.

[McTraveller]

No I mean I'm going to get a written offer from company A, probably with a "please give us an answer in 7 days" or something, and two days later I've got a 3rd interview with company B in which I think I'm more interested, but may not get an offer by the time the offer from A expires.  Maybe I'm over-thinking it though, and I can get B to draft something quickly.

I don't have to take the first offer I get, my "clock" doesn't expire for quite a while, but it's annoying that I couldn't line them all up nicely, even though I did tell the HR and hiring people I was looking at multiple opportunities due to the nature of the event.

I suppose I could accept A and then recant between accepting and the start date, but that just feels bad form to me.  I've been on the other side of that and it's not fun.

[hector13]

Your responsibility is to yourself and your family. You also know you wouldn’t behave like this under “normal” circumstances, and if company A has their ducks in a row, they’ll have a fall back to fill the position you’re not filling anymore. You’ll be causing them inconvenience at worst.

[Eric Blank]

I just realized that, when I got my new laptop and erased my data from my old one, I didn't copy over my personal skyrim mod I was working on, a big new world mod, and my last backup copy was hundreds and hundreds of hours of work ago. I basically fucked myself.

i tried recovering the files and even the backups, but theyve been overwritten and are corrupt.

[Rolan7]

I just realized that, when I got my new laptop and erased my data from my old one, I didn't copy over my personal skyrim mod I was working on, a big new world mod, and my last backup copy was hundreds and hundreds of hours of work ago. I basically fucked myself.

i tried recovering the files and even the backups, but theyve been overwritten and are corrupt.

Fuuuuuuuuuck ):
Sorry.
sobriety sucks sometimes.  It's not fair that I was completely free for, what, 3 months? (four and a half)  Yet was still obsessed with the habit, and wanted the feeling.

And getting pleasantly buzzed helps but is so *dangerous*.  It's like... tying myself up to listen to sirens.  It's awesome, but there's nothing stopping me from untying myself.  Except for anxiety, and the entire *point* is to clear the anxiety away for a little while.  A recipe for disaster.

I should have talked about it more at therapy today instead of rambling about my family again.  The guy's an addiction specialist, I can whine with my friends but maybe he can actually help me.

I'm also just exhausted from two family trips, plus I'm volunteering the next two mornings, and then I finally get to resume job searching.  Existing is *exhausting*.  It was so much easier when I could turn myself into a happy dummy and vibe TF out to some music, or shoot the shit in a chatroom, and just be so fucking HAPPY.  I was free of the blackouts!  I wasn't drinking from self-loathing anymore, just to have fun!  But I can't fucking HAVE THAT, anymore, because...

well partially it's just not as fun as it was.  My tolerance is gone but only in the annoying way- a small amount fucks me up, but doesn't get me as giddy as I had been.  So maybe I can focus on that.  I keep thinking of the last time I drank a 40, over the course of an entire day, and nearly throwing up that evening.  And that was *lucky* that I didn't lose control and say crazy shit again.

Because I did that too, back in February...
well, it wasn't actually crazy.  But I should have known this person wouldn't understand, would get scared.  I was too honest, and if I keep that up, I'll drive away the people who care about me.

...and that would be bad.
it was bad every other time I did it.
ugh.

just... fucking godsdamn brain, let me enjoy life and stop inventing fucking problems.  Why can't humans ever be satisfied

anyway I guess I'll try staying sober till my next session.  That'll be an entire month sober (I'm not counting the single pint in public on Visibility Day).  That's a good start.
And it's possible to be free of this!  MOST PEOPLE ARE.  IT'S NOT WELCOME IN MY IDENTITY

[Kagus]

Friend of mine is getting kicked out of her apartment for being several months behind on rent.

It's awful. Another massive upset just as she was beginning to claw her way to some stability and progress in her life, and I'm certain that this is going to start another spiral into a dark chaos.

...and I don't feel the sympathy I should feel. That I want to feel.


This has been a long time coming. Yes, she's been getting royally fucked by the system and some truly just bad luck and timing. ...she's also been refusing to ask for or accept help from anyone around her to solve the rent issue. Meanwhile she's still been going out to spend however much down at the pubs (which are horridly expensive here) or picking up alcohol for home sessions of "oops, this glass turned into a bottle tee hee". This is after she'd finally gotten started on ADHD meds, the meds she had previously claimed would cut out her usage of booze because "she wouldn't need it to deal with her ADHD issues anymore". And also buying new game releases hot off the shelf, and new equipment to play them better.

And, y'know, I get it... There's a lot of sickness expression in that. But god damn if it doesn't also feel like it's just her own damn decisions at times, especially given how she acted and what she said when we were all down in Mexico.



I'm still obviously going to be helping out with what I can, taking over some of her obligations to others, providing a sofa to crash on for a little bit... But I don't feel like I'm ready to be the comforting, supporting shoulder just yet because of how irritated I've been feeling with her. And that frankly kinda pisses me off about myself.

[TD1]

Eh, burn out is normal even with people we love.

Think of it this way: Love/caring/affection can't get fatigued like that if it's not there.

[Maximum Spin]

You don't need to feel bad about that at all. You shouldn't have to be an infinite well of mindless support. Why are you angry with yourself?

[nenjin]

It's guilt, manifesting as anger.

I went through the same thing with my mom. She was there for me, for years, through all of my fuckery.

However after years and years and years of her being an alcoholic, and constantly snatching her from death's door, financial ruin and living in squalor.....your emotional centers eventually burn out. I beat myself up for it for a long time too. "This isn't how you should feel about your mother/parents." "She was there for you when you needed it." "Care just a little bit longer until she turns a corner...."

Truth is though, no bond is truly that sacred. Everyone can burn bridges in your emotions, even people that gave birth to you or vicea versa. Everyone has their breaking point, and it's compounded by the person you're trying to help/care about not seeking help, is self-sabotaging and at worst, is belligerent about the reality they're creating for themselves and that they refuse to change.

So yeah, don't beat yourself up. But the process of caring less is just as painful as caring too much....for a while. Then much like a lost love, it just becomes a dull ache in the background until eventually.....it just becomes normal.

My mother did eventually make a recovery and change most of the habits that were destroying her, but some really extreme stuff had to happen for that to occur, and even now my feelings toward her have been irrevocably changed. Once you see someone in a light you never thought possible, you can't unsee it. You can't unsee how unstable they were. You can't unsee how much they didn't care about their own life. You can't unsee the lack of trust you now have for them. Maybe that can be rebuilt over time.....but for the individual, preserving their psychological health around the topic is what truly matters. Caring too much is dangerous to you, just as much as caring too little cruel to them.

[dragdeler]

M'yeah... I'm just a deranged fool. I wish I could just stop. It can't be everybody else, so it must be my failure. Apparantly I can not convey the simplest information like colors or "I'm hurt". I've mostly come to accept that as a limitation of myself that I have to workaround. Of course I'm sick of resentment but that's not even the point. Can we just reach this "middle-ground" (I'm nothing if not generous)where next time I seek out medical attention they have like a look or something before they resort to the gestures and phrases that dominate their routine. I'm sure it's something mundane, how else could I spent 6 days a week believing I am in the slowest covalence ever. But something in there is the cause of a lot of pus and it doesn't seemto want to stop. Can we do that? Can we not get hung up on this aura of mine that neither of us is going to be able to put a finger on? Just effin the diagnose the thing and go from there you can do it and you don't need my help for it.

Sure I'm a bad communicator if you say so. Sure last time I tried to warn the special dentist that came over from a bit further away, I should have eaten some more shit instead of greyrocking his giant ego and going from "as relaxed as bob marley" (his words) to loosing consciousness. I can also admit that I give off strong vibes that I would lie for my employer if I show up in the ER asking for my foot to be x-rayed, of course the advantages to myself of such a lie can not be underestimated... Tell xray guy im pretty sure the fotos we took were shit "im not a doctor i dont judge"... Docotor steps in "yo the fotos were shit"... My bad.All of it.Just as the slutty 5 year old me must have incited the doctors to take blood every day, until we got thrown out because my dad lost his shit and the next hospital diagnosed Schönlein Hennoch super quick. I did it all to convince my family I was going to die so they would get me a bunch of presents, I'm just a sociopathic monster like that. Only a monster would impose his appointment in november to fall on january 29th a mere 3 days after my ear specialist would loose her husband. I recognize my error.

If I admit to all of this, will you please diagnose my ear better than chatpgt would?

[Maximum Spin]

M'yeah... I'm just a deranged fool. I wish I could just stop. It can't be everybody else, so it must be my failure. Apparantly I can not convey the simplest information like colors or "I'm hurt". I've mostly come to accept that as a limitation of myself that I have to workaround. Of course I'm sick of resentment but that's not even the point. Can we just reach this "middle-ground" (I'm nothing if not generous)where next time I seek out medical attention they have like a look or something before they resort to the gestures and phrases that dominate their routine. I'm sure it's something mundane, how else could I spent 6 days a week believing I am in the slowest covalence ever. But something in there is the cause of a lot of pus and it doesn't seemto want to stop. Can we do that? Can we not get hung up on this aura of mine that neither of us is going to be able to put a finger on? Just effin the diagnose the thing and go from there you can do it and you don't need my help for it.

Sure I'm a bad communicator if you say so. Sure last time I tried to warn the special dentist that came over from a bit further away, I should have eaten some more shit instead of greyrocking his giant ego and going from "as relaxed as bob marley" (his words) to loosing consciousness. I can also admit that I give off strong vibes that I would lie for my employer if I show up in the ER asking for my foot to be x-rayed, of course the advantages to myself of such a lie can not be underestimated... Tell xray guy im pretty sure the fotos we took were shit "im not a doctor i dont judge"... Docotor steps in "yo the fotos were shit"... My bad.All of it.Just as the slutty 5 year old me must have incited the doctors to take blood every day, until we got thrown out because my dad lost his shit and the next hospital diagnosed Schönlein Hennoch super quick. I did it all to convince my family I was going to die so they would get me a bunch of presents, I'm just a sociopathic monster like that.

If I admit to all of this, will you please diagnose my ear better than chatpgt would?

At the end of the day, the truth is that doctors aren't any more likely to be all that bright than anyone else and they screw up a lot of the time. Beating yourself up about it isn't going to change that... but even that, like... this x-ray photo story you tell, what's the big deal? More than likely, the technician isn't even allowed to proactively redo them until told by the doctor because it costs money and equipment time. The truth is, this whole kind of emotional binge and purge thing, even bringing it back to something that happened when you were 5, suggests that the problem of doctors making mistakes is really only scratching the surface. And because it's important to me to be honest, I have to say that it really does seem like you're probably a bad communicator in general. That's not uncommon, many people are in lots of different ways. You give me the impression of someone whose thoughts are very tightly wrapped up and hard to disentangle into a clear expression. I can't possibly guess whether that applies to any of the circumstances you've mentioned, but you deserve to be aware of it, at least.

When it comes to convalescence... the first thing you should think about when your body is trying to heal is making sure your lifestyle is healthy. What's your diet like? Are you getting enough vitamins and minerals? The stress in your life also slows the healing process. There may not be much you can do about that, but it does at least mean that you know what to expect, and you could try to get more sleep or do what you can.

About everything else... I'm hesitant to suggest this because I think it's highly personal and I think that western culture pushes it way too hard as a kind of cure-all for everyone, but it's possible you might benefit from therapy.

ETA: In fact, let me expand a little. I get the impression that you've sort of been trained in your life to feel like everything always has to be somebody's fault, and, when nobody else seems to be accepting the blame, you feel like the blame is being left on you, as you're left holding the bag. Does that sound accurate? The problem, then, is not about where to assign the blame, but the idea that there is any blame to assign at all. Sometimes things just aren't anyone's fault, things just happen. I know that just saying that doesn't help, but I hope it can provide a starting place.

[dragdeler]

Sometimes things just aren't anyone's fault, things just happen.

Sometimes lol sure. The whole punchline is that it's really freaking weird to assign any kind of blame in this, but since there is a repeating pattern I'm going down the path of the "only" "reasonable" conclusion. I am painfully aware how fallible everyone is, in fact it is the only message which allways been abundantly clear, the only truth that seems solid in a sea of predictable and preventable dissapointment.

Sure let me just go look for therapy, what a totally reasonable expectation for me to have. Let me just deal with all that cost effort dissapointment and reignition of trauma and rotate through a dozen of them before I find a match... At that point lottery tickets are a saner investment in my future. Just fix my fucking ear that will be all thank you. Let's not involve any of the participants of that procedure into a complex narration of chronological events. Example: ear specialist that decides halfway to stop addressing me and only directs themsselves toward the second pairs of ears I brought... In the moment I felt deadly insulted about not being taken serious again... Now I know better and can presume it was at least a stronger explanation than my smell/aura whatever... See I merely must have reminded her her late husband since the guy's godchild had a huge role in teaching me french. You know very normal concerns to have when you're merely requesting medical attention.


And unquote me you scoundrel.