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[TD1]

I'm gonna stop giving step-by-step updates

I lied.

I'm quite shook at the moment. We had a call, which is a biweekly thing at this point. This was the first video call though.

Anyway we talked about nonsense for a bit  then she was like 'it's kinda late now but I wanted to talk about something important'

So apparently during this summer academy thing she met some guy and got friendly, they were dancing and he tried to kiss her. I suspect she reciprocated for a bit then broke it off, citing that she was involved with someone in NI (me).

He's still texting her apparently, but it turns out he lives like 7 hours from her anyway (😅😥)

So she was like 'thoughts' and I told her I wasn't happy, I was upset, but we weren't technically in a relationship (she shrugged at that???) so she should make up her mind, I wasn't going to tell her what to do. She prodded a bit more, I said a bit more about not liking it, etc. Then she revealed he would also be long distance and I told her that I'd be outright angry if she chose someone else long distance (in a mock-yet-serious way) and she nodded.

The conversation moved on rather awkwardly from there.




Anyway yea I'm at my wit's end ah-hah
Going to see her in October but I'm gonna have to rein in so much rampant jealousy until then that I suspect it will be hurtful to me

So I've sent a text saying we need to clarify things either over phone or in-person over October. The latter option because I'd actually prefer it, but if she goes for that I'll stipulate that we be exclusive till then. I trust her enough that jealousy wouldn't really be an issue then.

But yea fuck this with a rusty screwdriver

[Maximum Spin]

Anyway we talked about nonsense for a bit  then she was like 'it's kinda late now but I wanted to talk about something important'

So apparently during this summer academy thing she met some guy and got friendly, they were dancing and he tried to kiss her. I suspect she reciprocated for a bit then broke it off, citing that she was involved with someone in NI (me).

He's still texting her apparently, but it turns out he lives like 7 hours from her anyway (😅😥)

So she was like 'thoughts' and I told her I wasn't happy, I was upset, but we weren't technically in a relationship (she shrugged at that???) so she should make up her mind, I wasn't going to tell her what to do. She prodded a bit more, I said a bit more about not liking it, etc. Then she revealed he would also be long distance and I told her that I'd be outright angry if she chose someone else long distance (in a mock-yet-serious way) and she nodded.

This suggests, to me, that she wanted to hear you being jealous because she was trying to gauge whether you care. I'd be perceiving what you said and did as noncommittal and giving mixed signals, and it sounds like she was trying to push you to make a statement. In a way this is good news because it sounds like she wants to be in a relationship and wants you to want to be in a relationship, although it's not like I can be completely certain.

I suggest you try being firm and let yourself express jealousy a little.

Honestly, I'll go a little further and say that people, and generally especially women, don't tend to find an inward-focused anxiety response attractive. I'm not telling you not to privately freak out about it if that's just what you do and you can't help it, but I'd recommend signalling confidence to her by communicating about your thoughts, with an outward focus, and expressing your emotional needs as an entirely reasonable expectation which you do not feel you should have to compromise on (which they are).

[TD1]

Yea, I woke up first thing this morning and sent her a voice note saying I like her, but the story about the summer academy had made me jealous, which is not something I'm ever going to want to be.
I explained that wasn't because I don't trust her, but I have no security when she says we're not in a relationship. So I'd like to change that, at least for the time being.

Xxxx

Honestly not sure if I just torpedoed whatever we have, but.... I think it was necessary at this point.

I'll have clarity either way.

[Maximum Spin]

Sounds like a good start. Good luck.

[TD1]

Apparently not getting clarity was also an option 😅
She says she's not 100% sure, she has some thoughts, but we could talk later.

[ChairmanPoo]

I dont get good vibes. If you're not getting clarity... I'd call that clarity in itself, you know.

[TD1]

Ehh, she was catching a train. I suspect it'll depend on what I say in the phonecall - how often I'll be able to see her, etc.

[McTraveller]

Some retailers are already stocking Christmas items in their stores.  It's not even Labor Day yet.

[Frumple]

I remember hearing back in the day of that horseshit causing riots in france, at some point.

I had never heard something quite so positive about the french people before that, tbh. Not sure I have since, either, heh.

[TD1]

Ehh, she was catching a train. I suspect it'll depend on what I say in the phonecall - how often I'll be able to see her, etc.

Yea so she called yesterday and I handled it well I think, reiterated what I wanted and what I wouldn't accept. She had issues with calling it a relationship related to distance etc - and had written a page of notes on the matter, heh. Also apparently she typically hasn't codified relationships in the past. And then she had a fairly long indecisive period and started to cry. 'Ich hab dich lieb,' she said, which a cursory Google search suggests means something between 'I like you' and 'I love you'?

Anyway, so I suggested waiting til we met in October and treating that as a test-run, but if we did that I wasn't going to tolerate the situation with the other fella. She agreed but still seemed distressed. I hung up citing the irrelevance of my presence in the phone call.

Then she called that night and didn't want to hang up so fell asleep on video-call, said she liked me in ten different forms and strengths, apologised for being a 'red flag,' and suggested I visit in September when I'm in Germany with a friend (during a period I know is intensely busy for her) because 'it's important to me.'

And then today she says she's booking a plane ticket to visit this coming weekend, and could she stay with me.

So all in all... an emotional roller-coaster but.... a success? I'm gonna say a success. Though I'm still a bit confused tbh.

[Great Order]

As much as it's good for future sorting-things-out, starting up a new counseling, therapy or whatever is always unpleasant. Always involves delving into things that I'd rather not have delved into.

[Magmacube_tr]

I feel so impotent. It is a crushing feeling that exist for no tangible reason. I just feel powerless.

[dragdeler]

Please don't come unless I tell you to = I need to remind you every day not to come or else you will show up for nothing. Clearly it is my fault, I had the gal to speculate where they might be needed, and as the bad commuincator I am, I let slip out the location where they would not needed after all. So now it is my duty to do daily reminders not to go for nothing to the place where they are not needed.

And people still act dubious when I say communication doesn't work. I'm starting to believe the problem is optimism.

[Loud Whispers]

I feel so impotent. It is a crushing feeling that exist for no tangible reason. I just feel powerless.

Hope you're feeling more cuboid and magma fired now my dude

Please don't come unless I tell you to = I need to remind you every day not to come or else you will show up for nothing. Clearly it is my fault, I had the gal to speculate where they might be needed, and as the bad commuincator I am, I let slip out the location where they would not needed after all. So now it is my duty to do daily reminders not to go for nothing to the place where they are not needed.

And people still act dubious when I say communication doesn't work. I'm starting to believe the problem is optimism.

Some people are legit just awful at communicating. They're raised in this kind of politeness culture where it's polite to never ask a question that you don't already know the answer to, and you're supposed to just know what they really mean.

I love it = I love it
I love it = I hate it

[Magmacube_tr]

I love it = I love it
I love it = I hate it

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