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[Great Order]

Pissed off more than anything. Basically cross posting from the LGBTQ+ thread.

Bought some tucking underwear. They weren't fucking cheap either, so I was expecting something decent. Instead what I got was some poor quality, thin as fuck tat to the extent you couldn't tuck with it if you had a fucking vagina. Over £100 down the drain on that shit.

Suppose that serves as a warning to me not to spend that much until I'm sure the product's decent, even in areas where the company's ostensibly looking out for people like me.

[dragdeler]

I will probably remember this often when I hear the name Tucker.

[delphonso]

Someone I haven't talked to in a while, a friend from high school and uni days, overdosed last night. Wish I had talked to them again.

[dragdeler]

It would take years for me to get rid of my general hostility. It used to be that I had the luxury to just discard every day as non constructive that was after a social day. Not gonna say it worked because it's really fucking easy to do nothing to achieve nothing, but at least I didn't feel like kicking around me at all times.

I am ill adapted for life as we know it and everything is allways going to feel like work until my last breath.

[Vector]

Someone I haven't talked to in a while, a friend from high school and uni days, overdosed last night. Wish I had talked to them again.

I'm so sorry.

[King Zultan]

Someone I haven't talked to in a while, a friend from high school and uni days, overdosed last night. Wish I had talked to them again.

Dang sorry to hear that.

[Magmacube_tr]

Where is Nature?

I want her back.

Again.

[askovdk]

Dreams from Media Molecule is closing down in September. 

https://www.eurogamer.net/media-molecule-to-discontinue-dreams-live-support-in-september

[King Zultan]

Where is Nature?

I want her back.

Again.

Don't worry she will return one day.

[McTraveller]

Polestar is removing rear glass and the rearview mirror in their next vehicle, fully replacing it with a rear-view camera.

So much added complexity and new failure modes for very little benefit...

This trend for devices to just use computers "for everything" instead of much simpler things... even though my livelihood depends on it, it just makes me sad.  There's an elegance in simplicity that is getting lost....

[Rolan7]

Fake-edit: Aw, I kinda want a rear-view camera though?  I've got the parallel parking ability of a woman in a 90's movie.
Cruise control would be nice too...  But in general I love my 2004 Toyota.  Reliable, stick-shift, and familiar.
Wasted yesterday and much of today trying make my face presentable for a drivers license photo (most of this time was spent freaking out in various ways and procrastinating, but much of it was solid attempts).  Final result: None of my trans friends commented on it.  Which confirmed what I thought.

But that's okay I went anyway.  I knew the plate office near me wouldn't do licenses, but I stopped by anyway just in case.  Sure enough, no camera booths.  No *signage* explaining the difference between a plate office and a license office, but whatever, adults are meant to just know this stuff.  Google maps was negative help in that regard.

Traffic's a nightmare

Get to the actual license office at 4:33, stop at the door.  "Don't open!  Wait by the traffic cone, someone will assist you!" it reads.  Okay...  I can barely see inside the gloomy building, but I wait for a couple minutes.  A woman walks past me to open the door.  "Oh uh- it says we have to wait out here?" I say.  She looks at me like I'm crazy [or a freak].  "Yeah IDK either... uh..." thankfully someone finally arrives.

"Sorry, we stopped taking people at 4:30"  woo.  understandable, but that sucks.  At least I can-
oh, she's launched directly into her queries.  lovely.  That's fine, she's also renewing a license ("it expires tomorrow!  Can't you help me?") and has mostly the same questions.  Though she needed an explanation and indignant follow-up question about RealID.  But okay, that's fine.  She finishes.

"Good luck!" I offer, smiling behind my mask (I'm the only person wearing one, including the employee, despite the signage).  She just ignore me.  Great.  "Can I help you sir?"
...hh...
*mumbled* "M'am actually.  Uhm, mostly the same questions she had.  But there's a typo..."
"What kind of typo?" Is he... suspicious?  Does he really think I'm trying to-
"Ah just an extra O in my name"
"Ohh okay.  You'll just need one form of ID"
"Great!  I have my birth certificate.  Ah, is just 1 okay? (they need 2 for an expired or lost ID)"
"Yep!"  Okay I'll just hope he's right about that.
I thank him and go.

The traffic is awful, and I can't stop thinking about my face.  Or whatever it is he saw, since my mask was on.  My *neck* is smooth and concealered.  My legs are epilated.  My hair is down to my ass.  Is it the shorts, I guess?  The T-shirt from a nice hiking trip?  My sports bra being too modest?  Maybe it's my forehead.  Yeah.  Yeah, maybe I'll give myself some bangs, that'll show me- show me?

Waves of self-disgust progressed like this for a while.
I stopped at a thrift store and pretended to look at board games for a while until I had space, then found a tank top in a nice dark purple.  Simple, shows off my shoulders and athletic build.  Things I like about me.  Hard to mistake my gender too (at least by accident).  Only $5.  I'm not nervous at all as I check out- buying my first bra and my first concealer got that anxiety out of the way, this is nothing.
This is nice, actually.  So's the cashier

I divert by the grocery store for carrots and dry beans.  The traffic truly is incredible.  I forgot my bag again but I only needed one disposable, barely.  But the cart return is a mess- people have piled 3 carts just outside of it at cross angles.  My OCD or whatever is going off.  It's hot.  I hate myself.  I shove one in.  I shove the other 2 in, hard, loud.  I feel a little better.  I think I hear someone talking about me but I'm probably just paranoid...  I get back to my car and a truck has parked next to me at such an angle that they take up a 2x2 of spaces.  I put my bag down and snap another picture, darkly amused at this cursed day.

As I get in my car the driver of the truck walks up and waits for me to pull out.  Fuck.  He saw me, and he's staring at me with an unreadable expression.  I pull out... then park again, and take off my mask.
"Hey..." I wave.  He's on edge, understandably.  "Sorry about that, I was taking a picture for my friend.  I didn't want to... scare you?" I end awkwardly.  But it works, maybe because he can see the awkwardness is killing me, and he laughs and nods.

So that's good.  I'm glad I didn't leave that like it could have been.

I stop by a pokestop just before home, but I can't get my phone out of my pocket.  My thumbnail keeps snagging.  It's bad- must have happened when I shoved the carts.  I never self-harm on purpose, but I keep doing it "by accident".  plus the drinking, though these days...  I finally fish it out.  "Okay google- please open pokemon GO".  I sit there, parked, looking at the screen.  It's waiting for more words.  "Please" broke it.  Language AI my fantastic ass.  I give the algorithm a couple choice epithets to consider, cancel, and launch manually.

Other than that it went fine... other than having to wait for an ambulance to pass.  I've got carrots, I've got a little comfort ravioli, and I don't have to think about my face until tomorrow morning bright and early.
Maybe tonight I won't stay up until 5AM from vague discomfort (dysphoria).
Maybe someday my dad will stop being such a piece of shit about trans people, to my (hah) face.

Maybe I deserve everything that's happening to me gods dammit NO.  No.
Comfort ravioli and a long-distance hug from my partner will help.  And sleep.  I'm exhausted.

(it's not impossible that my dad sees this, but that's okay.  I'm his daughter, he just pretends otherwise... while going out of his way to misgender people who matter to me.  Typical insecure trolling.)

[McTraveller]

It is fascinating how inefficient departments of motor vehicles are.  Like it seems like you have to intentionally be that inefficient.

To some extent: it is easy to forget that the general public is not well equipped. I had to go to my local office to get a new title after I had my lien released. Another customer in front of me was confused as to why he couldn't get a registration for a vehicle for which he had no title or other evidence of ownership.  Like literally he was there for 15 minutes trying to debate with the agent.

For me? From the time my number was called, it literally took me 5 minutes. And even that I felt was too long for the transaction I was conducting.

Regarding the backup camera: I don't mind having a camera, but having it as the only rear-view device is problematic.  I mean the failures associated with a piece of silvered glass are way, way, more manageable than those associated with a camera. Not to mention the vastly simpler production processes, ease of repair, works when the car is not on, etc. And stupid ancillary aspects like software licenses or other madness that can only come about because "on a computer." Literally zero runtime energy cost for a mirror opposed to a camera, a mirror inside the cabin is far less likely to get obstructed by dirt and rain and snow, etc.  But yes, a rear camera has better zoom and field of view.

[dragdeler]

There is some subtle cruelty in the eating habits that were instilled to me; through all different periods and facets. Large parts of my misery could probably been entirely avoided were I properly fed.

I'm not even talking about the general quality of the food, just accessibilty / not being surrounded by the inadequate nutritional elements all the time.

Society is allready quite bad at it, my living arrangements make it oh so worse. As I'm still not mobile again (lack of permit and lack of progress on my hpv) I'm basically unable to do errands myself again... allways bad periods of my life, that spiral downwards. Here just a little excerpt from two weeks ago:

"Hey can you stop buying chorizo for a while, we don't do sandwiches at home that often, it's been like 40 sundays in a row I have been cycling through old packages because there is allways an oversupply and I feel like I can't eat anything else without being wasteful"

Was met with a barrage of accusations, excuses, and butthurtness and concluded in the classical

"fine I'll stop bothering then"

two weeks ago, there is still more than one package in the fridge

I swear I can be as diplomatic as possible everything is met as a personal insult, it's a small miracle that I am not more unpleasant. I'm hungry, again 

[martinuzz]

One of my best and longest time friends killed herself yesterday. R.I.P., never forget, and fuck youth psychiatry that fucks up children worse than they were before going in there.

[Frumple]

Condolences, mart. Hopefully they're at peace now, at the least