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[Vector]

I'm sorry to everyone else who is also suffering. What a shitty week.


Vector's Depressive Love Diary.

I got my stuff back from the ex. I think the hardest thing right now is the sudden shift from talking for hours a day to being no-contact. I miss having her happy-mood self around but that was fading into a person who was becoming more and more controlling and exploitative.

I had a best friend before I started dating this woman. I brought my then-gf to see her and say hi about a month into the relationship and she seemed jealous. She pulled out all the stops to make fun of me and make me look like a bad person in front of my new girlfriend. I knew from conversations we had had before that she had a habit of breaking up relationships, or rather, making affairs happen to her own benefit.

Anyway I texted her about the breakup a couple days ago and she left me on read.

Not that she has any way to contact my ex, nor that I care even if she did, the point is just that it was nice when I used to have her friendship. But she also gives me off strong vibes of choosing to spend 100% of her time with her synagogue (she just converted to Judaism) and lovers these days. I'm not Jewish and I'm not screwing her, so I guess I don't have anything she wants. That's the strong vibe.


I was wrong, the hardest thing right now is how boring it is to be home alone all day with nothing I care about. The world just feels extremely blah. I don't want my girlfriend back but I don't want anything else either. I'm having trouble sleeping and have woken up drenched in a cold sweat a few times, like I did last night. I hate the way my stupid face looks right now. I feel so isolated, less because of the breakup and more because it's horrible to have new PTSD symptoms (from the things that made you terrified thread extravaganza) and no friends who understand what it means and what it feels like.


All right, well, after complaining like this in order to force myself to talk it through, here are three things going well:

1. I reworked my Habitica avatar and it looks pretty neat.
2. My nextdoor neighbor bought me some ube flavored ice cream. I haven't gone over to pick it up yet, but it's there.
3. I can go to tai chi on Wednesday morning.

a few more:

4. The fish and cats didn't die while I was away
5. I have a scheduled activity to do tomorrow morning, my math research group. Yayyyy. No more unstructured time, I can just do what they tell me to do and I'll be busy for a while.
6. I have time to look into volunteering with a local apiary now, and work on getting my learners permit for driving.

7. I made a reminder to myself to post on Lex within the next month, when I'm feeling ready. No more years-gap between even trying to date somebody. I'm going to try to be a little bit more casual.

[Loud Whispers]

Is there any way to get out of that town with your mom? I worry that things will continue to be dangerous for you both if he continues to seek confrontations with you

[Vector]

Honestly, if the man isn't dead and he doesn't have major physical damage necessitating surgery that you clearly caused (he is a violent alcoholic ... does he get in fights with other men sometimes?), turning yourself in might make you feel better from an ethical/moral standpoint. But, it is not likely to improve your situation re either getting your dad away from you and your mom or saving you from prison.

Obviously none of us wants you to harm other people. This wasn't a nice thing that happened. But if you want to atone for it, I think the best thing you can do is make a plan to help yourself and your mother, and do what you can to get out of there. He's hurt her a few times and he hasn't turned himself into the police, now has he? Regardless of whether you need more medicine or not, doesn't it make sense to focus on the person who is causing the most harm, instead of one thing that you did one time? Any kind of mental health problem gets a lot worse with stress, and your situation is extremely stressful!


The other thing is that you sound pretty young. The drivers' license seems like a really good start because what you and your mom need is really to move somewhere else that he doesn't know about, and unless you leave all your stuff a car or truck is probably going to be involved. You might also be able to join a support group online for people living with violent people that will help you make a plan, or just give you gentle support while you are surviving. You probably want to hide that from your father if you do look at it, though.

I'm part of a private, ~60-person group on a different site which helps support people who survived long-term, chronic trauma. We had a woman who moved all of her stuff to an undisclosed location across the city to get away from her violent husband recently and we were really proud of her. I'm looking forward to hearing that part of your story someday, too.

[Vector]

Vector's Catastrophic Love Diary

blaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hh

Nothing happened. Just moody.

Haven't been able to do a good job of work for the past couple months and I think it could be getting better, but I'm hoping I don't get called out and that I don't destroy my side income due to just. Not being on top of anything.

Gentle reader ... it's kinda feeling like I've fucked myself.

[Great Order]

I'm in my late 20s now and it's left me in a bit of a funk.

I'm not in my early adult life, in in my adult adult life. I feel I've lost two years of it to the pandemic and depression and an extra three to depression by itself. On top of that, the realisation I'm trans makes me feel like I was robbed of being able to live most of my life the way it *should* have been. It's all just sort of stacked together into a crappy thing.

I suppose it's not helped by the fact that now I'm not just properly aware of my own mortality (I have been for a while now) but since the depression's lifted I'm actually concerned about it. I'm just hoping we do actually discover some anti-aging treatment because 70-90 years doesn't feel like it'll be enough time. Especially since a good chunk of those have already gone.

[dragdeler]

The whole notion that your life is fated and railroaded in it's young years looses it's sting after the years. I recognize now that I did not have more or less of head for academics at 24. Fuck the neuroplasticity buff, if society shat on my potential by telling me you could be so great if I put in the work, but was never able to offer me clear path of work that didn't seem degrading and purposebuilt to numb me enough for 40h weeks. A kid don't know to do with that shit. I feel more able now that I understand stuff through experience and don't gaslight myself when someone contradicts me. It's a relief to have shaken the notion that I'm setting the trajectory for the future, nobody controls the future. Could die in a carcrash tomorrow, or could win in the lottery. I do not regret the hours I didn't enslave myself. Back then it sounded like a lame justification to myself, now it seems more like the biggest expression of agency ever to come out of me, even if it was spent doing "nothing". As if I was lying on my deathbed one day and said to myself: if only I grinded more.... JFL



Sry for my absence yesterday vcd, I hope the situation improved somewhat, accident must feel guilt inducing, but like... another bonk might have given some sense of perception of fate he cannot blame you for... best of luck stay calm

[hector13]

I'm in my late 20s now and it's left me in a bit of a funk.

I'm not in my early adult life, in in my adult adult life. I feel I've lost two years of it to the pandemic and depression and an extra three to depression by itself. On top of that, the realisation I'm trans makes me feel like I was robbed of being able to live most of my life the way it *should* have been. It's all just sort of stacked together into a crappy thing.

I suppose it's not helped by the fact that now I'm not just properly aware of my own mortality (I have been for a while now) but since the depression's lifted I'm actually concerned about it. I'm just hoping we do actually discover some anti-aging treatment because 70-90 years doesn't feel like it'll be enough time. Especially since a good chunk of those have already gone.

If you’re worried about wasting time, you should stop worrying about “wasted” time :p think forwards, not backwards.

wtf do you need to do that 70 years isn’t enough to do it though? That’s my entire life so far again!

[Great Order]

Things keep changing, the world keeps going on. I've basically gone and got my zest for life back and now it feels like I need more time than that just to experience it. It's not like I've got some grand project in mind, I just want to be able to die on my own terms rather than because my kidneys or brain or heart decided to pack in.

[Loud Whispers]

vcd14... Looks like you've got a long road ahead of you. Looks like you know what you need to do already to get out the right way, just try keep your head on your shoulders and keep calm and carry on - for your sake as much as anyone else's

[MrRoboto75]

I have a big dumb vacation planned in less than a month to go to gencon for a day or two.  It's about 9.5 hours of driving, and I'm going alone.  Never done anything like this before.

I keep daydreaming that shit like this is going to be life changing or something but it never really is.  Probably glide through the whole thing gaining nothing at all; life in spectator mode.

I'm also tasked with getting a ton of convention LE heroclix  stuff, I'm not confident all of it will be in stock, nor the real cost of it.

Work sucks.  The customers taunt me daily, nobody gives a crap, and basically all of my coworkers piss me off for one reason or another.  Feel like the Martian Manhunter of the team, nobody really knows what he does, why he's there, and no one cares about his solo adventures.

I just feel bummed out in general these past weeks.  Life refuses to change.

[lemon10]

An endling is the last known individual of a species or subspecies.

The word endling made me sad today. What a sad word.

[Frumple]

I think about that just about every time I hear Tigger's theme song (which is relatively often; it's in my driving playlist).

[Vector]

depression diary

there's a few hours left in my "day" and I don't want to do anything

nothing


some good stuff from todayish:
1. I ate sushi earlier
2. did therapy for the first time in two weeks.
3. I bought some green things from the grocery store today, a fancy gift bag I'm going to put my teaching gear in + a composition notebook with avocados on it. My ex hated muted green but green of all shades is my favorite color, so HA.


so tired

[King Zultan]

I think about that just about every time I hear Tigger's theme song (which is relatively often; it's in my driving playlist).

Why is Tigger's theme song in your driving playlist?

[ChairmanPoo]

I think about that just about every time I hear Tigger's theme song (which is relatively often; it's in my driving playlist).

Why is Tigger's theme song in your driving playlist?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xm3YgoEiEDc