Black people have been dying left and right in this town due to homicides.
I got a laxative intentionally by the state or something, like I got inoculated in secret in Florida, but after reporting it to the police department, no one pressed charges and he told me he'd never do it.
So like, my family was already trying to kill me a little less than half a decade ago, but like, they're still doing that stuff. And I'm just exhausted.
I dunno. Now I'm thinking about the implications. I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, so like, a few facts:
I make less than six-hundred thousand dollars in my lifetime on average. So far, I've made a few grand in my lifetime.
I live fifteen years less on average. I suspect I'll die a lot sooner.
I still have to deal with visions and voices and thoughts, and they're always directed towards me walking with nothing in my pocket. So like, I'm cleaning dishes, and all I hear is a multibillionaire putting hit after hit after hit on me on a secure channel.
And like, it's followed me up the South, and now I have to deal with people STILL doing the same thing, I imagine. Maybe I am paranoid, but I never am. I can't seem to get away from that stuff. Maybe I just wanna have a good time. Maybe I don't want to get whispered to on the street by every pedestrian, every car, every creaking door, and every compressor component to the point of reality literally embibing me with a lack of purpose.
I'm listless at the moment. Just a lot of people dying and I have to deal with people who don't like me to begin with, but that hasn't changed in the last three years. They always hated me since I graduated, and even though they still lie with a smile on their face, they still get killed. I was sleeping on a bench the other night when I literally heard someone say, "We don't like you!" while I was chatting with myself by the river. I told him I was just talking to someone else, and as I walked away, I heard several gunshots in the distance, not thirty seconds later.
What can I do?
Gunshots and death and hate just follows me around like a bad raincloud, and I would do anything in the world to be disconnected and right, like I felt like when I was younger, but this punition of mankind has wrought more misery and anguish than justice; it hardly constitutes reciprocity, and I'm just so dog-jagged tired of walking with nothing worthwhile in front of me.
Think of it like this: in 2018, my head told me that I'd get to meet my cousins who slept around and fired a bullet at me. Three years later, not only have I not gotten to see them, but I was inundated with three months of them letting me know they wouldn't want to see me. The one that was less reluctant than the other called me for a week, pulled back but pretended otherwise, and my schizophrenia just continued: another news story and another big bold white-letter pull.
And I just get stuck in this big lie, as if I ever really told a genuine, big lie. Everyone around me lies, but I don't actually tell lies. I stopped telling lies when I became an adult, save for the occasional white lie and a bit of conservatism.
So what's made me sad is this: I've literally spent almost all of the time I'm ever going to have trying for something I am literally incapable of ever getting, which wasn't much, which makes the gunshots odd and unusual. Why would someone need to get killed over such a trite concession or two? Why blow it up into something it didn't have or need to be? Why couldn't it be handled the same way every other case for ordinary citizens is handled?
The fifth time I've thought it today.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9722150 times)