I got sad today. It's a transient sadness in a steady signal of happiness, but a sad nonetheless. I'm more-or-less transcribing my feelings here for reference because I (as always) think there's some deeper meaning to it that I'm not getting.
I think the thing that triggered it this time is that I'm fucking lonely. Like, I have no physical friends, none that I can legitimately call "friends", none that I can legitimately trust enough to qualify them as "friends" rather than just "acquaintances". Bay12, you're wonderful people, but I guess it's just not the same. I have my own arguments against the concept, but I don't believe them well enough, it seems.
Then at some point, I expressed this feeling that I cannot be loved, that my work is not good enough for that. This time, the brain listened somewhat to reason. I reasoned with myself that no, external measures of validation are themselves not valid enough to measure self-worth. I'd accept the null hypothesis. The fact I don't have IRL friends is tangential to my self-perception of self-worth. I can choose that. Even if the idea was valid, the counterpoint to that would be, "If I'm trash, then I'm somebody's treasure."
I took a walk after taking one of many naps throughout my day (I blame the meds, but I did wake up at 4), and I realized that to transcribe it here, I feel the need to censor and omit many details. I may be on the side of oversharing, but there are certain details that I'm hesitant to reveal. I don't know if it's internalized whatever that I need to eradicate, if it's my desire for privacy and/or the inherent paranoia that does still influence me despite my best efforts. Am I wrong for doing so?