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[Maximum Spin]

I have been avoiding posting this.

A co-worker recently committed suicide, after struggling with depression over the prior suicide of one of her best friends.
I saw her obituary page today.

I had told her that if she needed to talk, that I wanted her to talk to me. That was just days before her death.  I have been having difficulty shaking the nagging feeling that I could have, and should have, done more to help her.  My rational mind says that there isn't anything I could have done differently, but my emotional core is screaming the opposite.

She was a good person, and did not deserve this.

I will be OK, but seeing her obit really hurts. (and being so damn accustomed to death, has me mad at myself for not being able to cry.)

I completely understand the feeling, but you cannot hold yourself responsible. Of course you know that, but I'm just saying, remind your emotional core this: it's just as likely that anything you might have done differently would have made things worse as it is better. Trying to save someone against her will is not better. You offered, and she did not accept. This was the only correct thing to do from your perspective.

[LordBaal]

That is horrible wierd. A time to remember you all guys that if you ever need someone to ear this forum is good for it. Pm someone if you will.

[Vector]

She's so young. I'm sorry, Wierd.

[LordBaal]

Spoiler: Sorry for the stupid long ass wall of text (click to show/hide)

So, like smitten by the gods themselves, not only we have to get the fuck out soon of the place we are living right now, but two of my three odd jobs are evaporated. Only fixing computers remain and that one has not seen a single client since mid February.

Some terrible thoughts have crossed my mind, but quoting Sinatra "my hearth just won't buy it"

We have been through worst in some sense, but the psychological burden of also leaving what we though of as home do not helps, also, after being in a hope spot for some time and then life, the whole universe conjuring to say "lol nope" fraged my mind to a point.

Tomorrow I'll try to finish making the room at my grandma place livable and then move everything I can there.

Basically the only perk I have is the company car they have not commanded back just yet and I'll use for moving us. I'm still waiting for a reply from them to pick it up or were I can deliver it to them, but since this new need arose then I wont push the matter further until we are fully moved.

I keep looking to a job on a place as technician or sys admin or help desk but all offers are very low (under $30 bucks per month), but now they migth become attractive if my income do not improves somehow.

And on top of all this is the fucking shitty pandemic plus no vaccinations for you because you live in a revolutionary banana republic, fuckyou thankyou very much.

Again, I keep thinking if reencarnation is somehow real, I was fucking Hittler... and maybe Charles Manson too just for the laughs... and now Im just a well meaning idiot paying for it in a sea of malevolence, and any hope island is blown away by the laughing gods of misfortune.

All this could be bearable, I don't worry much about me, but my son does worry me a lot.

[Caz]

Spoiler: Sorry for the stupid long ass wall of text (click to show/hide)

So, like smitten by the gods themselves, not only we have to get the fuck out soon of the place we are living right now, but two of my three odd jobs are evaporated. Only fixing computers remain and that one has not seen a single client since mid February.

Some terrible thoughts have crossed my mind, but quoting Sinatra "my hearth just won't buy it"

We have been through worst in some sense, but the psychological burden of also leaving what we though of as home do not helps, also, after being in a hope spot for some time and then life, the whole universe conjuring to say "lol nope" fraged my mind to a point.

Tomorrow I'll try to finish making the room at my grandma place livable and then move everything I can there.

Basically the only perk I have is the company car they have not commanded back just yet and I'll use for moving us. I'm still waiting for a reply from them to pick it up or were I can deliver it to them, but since this new need arose then I wont push the matter further until we are fully moved.

I keep looking to a job on a place as technician or sys admin or help desk but all offers are very low (under $30 bucks per month), but now they migth become attractive if my income do not improves somehow.

And on top of all this is the fucking shitty pandemic plus no vaccinations for you because you live in a revolutionary banana republic, fuckyou thankyou very much.

Again, I keep thinking if reencarnation is somehow real, I was fucking Hittler... and maybe Charles Manson too just for the laughs... and now Im just a well meaning idiot paying for it in a sea of malevolence, and any hope island is blown away by the laughing gods of misfortune.

All this could be bearable, I don't worry much about me, but my son does worry me a lot.

Can you work online? Or does intermittent power make that a non-starter? I know there's a lot of people in the 'gig economy' working from countries either hugely cheaper living rates or where the exhange rate makes it worth it. Lots of stuff where you don't need to train any skills really if it's just proof reading or article writing. Most content mill sites I found you get paid in dollars.

[LordBaal]

Well currently blackouts are not in the worst, and in my grandma house my uncle made an improved UPS with a car battery that lasts for hours, and since is ADSL technology it still works without grid power most of the time. Also someone in this forum gave me a laptop in perfect state so after moving out it could be.

Edit: but how much could someone realistically make with that? Not to sound disgraceful but I do have some skills and to work with them might mean more income.

Also while my goal everyday is keeping us alive, that is not enough or sustainable on the long run, eventually our luck will run out, jobs won't be at hand and Ill be old or sick to keep working and this is not the life I want for peter. If we are unable to save enough for the 3 to leave then I need to prepare him with the better education we can and send him away once he is old enough.

Im sorry if being overly pessimistic, just on a really bad spot right now.

[JoshuaFH]

My sister dropped by to inform me that some blood tests my Mom ordered finally came back, saying that her kidneys are failing. They're not failed, she's still doing fine for the moment, but the future isn't looking good for her. I really don't know anything more, I just don't know what to do, it seems like the heaviest shit in life is just being laid on my shoulders one after the other, and it's all just too much.

[martinuzz]

Spoiler: Sorry for the stupid long ass wall of text (click to show/hide)

So, like smitten by the gods themselves, not only we have to get the fuck out soon of the place we are living right now, but two of my three odd jobs are evaporated. Only fixing computers remain and that one has not seen a single client since mid February.

Some terrible thoughts have crossed my mind, but quoting Sinatra "my hearth just won't buy it"

We have been through worst in some sense, but the psychological burden of also leaving what we though of as home do not helps, also, after being in a hope spot for some time and then life, the whole universe conjuring to say "lol nope" fraged my mind to a point.

Tomorrow I'll try to finish making the room at my grandma place livable and then move everything I can there.

Basically the only perk I have is the company car they have not commanded back just yet and I'll use for moving us. I'm still waiting for a reply from them to pick it up or were I can deliver it to them, but since this new need arose then I wont push the matter further until we are fully moved.

I keep looking to a job on a place as technician or sys admin or help desk but all offers are very low (under $30 bucks per month), but now they migth become attractive if my income do not improves somehow.

And on top of all this is the fucking shitty pandemic plus no vaccinations for you because you live in a revolutionary banana republic, fuckyou thankyou very much.

Again, I keep thinking if reencarnation is somehow real, I was fucking Hittler... and maybe Charles Manson too just for the laughs... and now Im just a well meaning idiot paying for it in a sea of malevolence, and any hope island is blown away by the laughing gods of misfortune.

All this could be bearable, I don't worry much about me, but my son does worry me a lot.

Try to keep your thoughts focussed on the new place you got there. Make it your new home, your new temple. Look forward from there.

Who knows man, maybe in a year or two you'll look back and say "moving to that place was the best thing that could have happened to us"

[LordBaal]

My sister dropped by to inform me that some blood tests my Mom ordered finally came back, saying that her kidneys are failing. They're not failed, she's still doing fine for the moment, but the future isn't looking good for her. I really don't know anything more, I just don't know what to do, it seems like the heaviest shit in life is just being laid on my shoulders one after the other, and it's all just too much.

Would recommend to you and all your sisters/brothers to start checking if anyone can donate a kidney to her so you are prepared in advance, once you have to cross that bridge then you can do the surgery and keep on. Dialysis is not a pretty thing.

Thanks martinuzz, that's what we are trying to focus on now...

[Dunamisdeos]

I told a friend I'm a religious fellow and I think they might not want to be around me anymore.

Someone I really respect too.

It's possible I'm overreacting.

[Frumple]

My sister dropped by to inform me that some blood tests my Mom ordered finally came back, saying that her kidneys are failing. They're not failed, she's still doing fine for the moment, but the future isn't looking good for her. I really don't know anything more, I just don't know what to do, it seems like the heaviest shit in life is just being laid on my shoulders one after the other, and it's all just too much.

So far as what do, it depends on what's causing it. My grandfather was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney disease -- i.e. the stage right before outright failure and dialysis until you keel over -- a year or three ago, but since then we've had good luck getting his diet under control (more; we were already working on it to help with the diabetes) and it hasn't gotten worse.

It's possible that might be an option for your mother, which... depending on her, might not be easy, but it's better than nothing but waiting for dialysis or replacement.

[LordBaal]

I told a friend I'm a religious fellow and I think they might not want to be around me anymore.

Someone I really respect too.

It's possible I'm overreacting.

You are a solid person Duna, religious or not. And as far as I know, or anyone here I might risk to say, you are not a zealot of any kind, if being religious is part of what you are and you are a good person, then it is fine. Maybe you are overthinking or overreacting things.

[Dunamisdeos]

I told a friend I'm a religious fellow and I think they might not want to be around me anymore.

Someone I really respect too.

It's possible I'm overreacting.

You are a solid person Duna, religious or not. And as far as I know, or anyone here I might risk to say, you are not a zealot of any kind, if being religious is part of what you are and you are a good person, then it is fine. Maybe you are overthinking or overreacting things.

I appreciate that a lot, and I hope that's how my friend feels too. I really like them

[LordBaal]

Again we are discussing leaven the hell out. Again, Canada refugee program seems really promising, but the main issue is money. Also, for years I foolishly thought the only way to Canada was air travel with scales in USA which needed a visa, which is untrue. In fact there a are flights from Caracas to Panama city and then Toronto, no need of USA scales. That leaves just the need of getting the Canada visa which is easier than a USA one.

The tickets cost around 1000 bucks for each which is.. well too much and also the the costs of the Canadian visa process.... I think I can seriously sell a kidney for 5 or 6 grand that migth cover the whole ordeal. No pun on JoshuaFH situation.

Covid situation fucks any plan anyway, just like it fucked our previous attempts to leave to Colombia.

Thing is, we are talking that going to one place, then another migth take too long and be more expensive, also we have read a lot of the Canada refugee program and a neighbour departed to Canada not long ago.

I'm truly at my wits end.

[Dunamisdeos]

I was overreacting -.-

Still, she's actually quite ill and I was super worried that I'd added to her stress. I hope she's gonna be ok, essential medical services are super stalled due to Covid in her area.