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[JoshuaFH]

Joshua, I feel like you might be a little bit too self-aware. I'm getting the feeling you spend a lot of time brooding in your head. It's ok, I do that too, but actually thinking so much about these existential questions, and letting your artificial, self-created, short-sighted verdict of yourself and your situation set in, might actually cloud your judgment and paralyze you.

It's sort of like the principle behind fallacy of sunk cost. What happened in the past has no bearing on the utility of your choices now. You've feel like you've had little direction in your life up to this point. Doesn't mean you can't have direction now. You're still young. I'm willing to bet you have nearly the same opportunity to continue as someone who's fresh out of undergrad, but because you've constantly been thinking about your past lack of direction, you're starting to absorb that idea and live in it. I know that feeling, of the futility of changing something because it's been one way for a long time, but that's just a trick our brains have us believe in to try to squeeze some romance out of the situation. Your existence is not a farce.

Yeah, you're right there. I spend more time in my head than anywhere else. I guess it's a bad habit, I don't have anything else to do, so my brain turns on itself like an Ouroboros. I would say it's simple loneliness that causes this condition. I can't remember the last time I felt intimacy with anyone. Being domiciled to myself like this does keep my life simple, keeping out what seems to be the utterly endless amounts of bullshit and risks of embarrassment/miscommunication that even casual interaction risks. Though that seems to be a losing strategy, for sure, it's dawned on me too late that a human being by itself is not a human being. That a single one doesn't count as its own organism, and multiple doesn't count as multiple; a group is its own organism, sharing all the necessary psychological parts between them. Being so long habituated to myself, I'm like a person with only one half of my necessary vital organs, a biological machine only functioning at a small fraction of its intended design specs.

That's a wordy and bass ackwards way of saying humans are social creatures, and that I've failed at being a social creature. I guess.

I've flown off on a tangent though, I'm sorry, I'm trying to think of a better reply to your post, but that's what comes to mind.

And when I'm actually speaking to the advisor to help me get started, she's speaking to me like I have the faintest clue of what I want to do, like this is something I actually want to do, and I'm just lost for words. I just couldn't contribute anything, I was just completely blank on the subject.

To Advisor: You are a damn school advisor. How do you not know people are lost and desperate/overwhelmed to have to talk to your no-talent ass? Why don't you have a script to walk people through realizing they should do what they're good at, and that they'll resent all of the time forced to do a job, so they should care more about being comfortable with it than liking it?

To Joshua: Do you want a job that will challenge you, or will being at the line where you know you can fail at any time be too stressful? What courses are you good at?

I'd like to say what I'm good at, but I don't think I can answer that question objectively; i.e. truthfully. I can only say what I 'think' I'm good at, but it's obvious that that doesn't mean anything.

I take my current job very seriously, and I've been doing it for almost six years, but in the meeting where I turned in my resignation I'm still being treated like I'm lazy and incompetent. I wanted to explode at these meek old women for treating me like I'm a dipshit, but I can't shake the feeling that they have a point. That I really am just a manchild that's rotted on the vine, and that I can't do 'real' work that a real actual adult man should be able to do.

To atleast try to answer your question though: I'd love a job that is a real challenge to me; I want anything that'll finally validate my value as a man and a human being. I'd give anything for that. I don't know if the proposed plan of action actually entails anything like that though; but I also feel that if I hold back on the idea for later, I'm just rotting on the vine even further; and if I rush forward and it turns out I guessed wrong, then I'll be in an even harder and harsher place than before. It feels like I'm just gambling with my life on the line. Every day represents more and more irreversible decisions that will without doubt define who I am and how my life is going to end. I'm constantly stressed out about it.

@Quaksna: thanks man.

[Reelya]

Consider volunteering as a way to get out, socialize and feel better about yourself. You can also gain skills and it looks good on a resume.

Also, sitting there picking from courses seems a poor method of planning. Their job is to sell you courses, once you're out the door you're no longer their concern.

A better idea is to just read through random job adverts, see what sort of thing they're hiring for. Then you can decide which ones you can see yourself in, see what criteria they have and do some research on those industries or skills. Browsing job adverts is a good idea because at least that way you're getting something grounded in reality rather than an idealized "do this course and get your dream career" stuff, which is basically nonsense for most people.

The people who really excel in a niche career are often the type who've been obsessed with that niche since they were kids, or people who got in on the ground level before there was really any idea of what skills were needed. Take the video game industry for example. The really successful people got in before there were schools that teach game development. Once there's a "game dev school", basically you know that that thing is played out and most of the graduates won't find jobs. If you want a niche to yourself, find a thing that needs doing that most people wouldn't want to do, then get good at doing that.

Another thing to consider is self-employment. A lot of successful people don't merely sit there working for someone else. You'll only ever be a cog if you do that.

[LordBaal]

The fuckers! I blame the millenial compulsion of meddling, being offended and have opinions and feelings in behalf of others.

Actually it's all been boomers, so swing and a miss. People in my own age group have been more than understanding and willing to lend an ear.

Oh those fuckers too. All of them can get out of my lawn!

On my own sad my throat is even worst. It wasn't a flu but laryngitis or something like that. I feel like the bard on the witcher when his throat is all swelled up.

[Arx]

On my own sad my throat is even worst.

I find gargling with salt does a pretty decent job of clearing things up, if only for a bit.

Consider volunteering as a way to get out, socialize and feel better about yourself. You can also gain skills and it looks good on a resume.

My CV is, for my field, about as stacked as humanly possible for a recent graduate thanks to church work. Volunteer work can be great.

...it can also be a soul crushing grind that occasionally makes you question your relationship with your mother, but that might be a different problem.

You'll only ever be a cog if you do that.

There's also nothing wrong with "being a cog". You can have a fulfilling career without being an Ultra Motivated Ground Breaking Hyper Synergistic People Forward Solutions Oriented Scrappy Startup CEO. I could probably ramble/rant for a long time on modern culture vis a vis being a cog, but the short version is that not everyone can be doing Something Big and that's okay.

[Iduno]

I'd like to say what I'm good at, but I don't think I can answer that question objectively; i.e. truthfully. I can only say what I 'think' I'm good at, but it's obvious that that doesn't mean anything.

I take my current job very seriously, and I've been doing it for almost six years, but in the meeting where I turned in my resignation I'm still being treated like I'm lazy and incompetent. I wanted to explode at these meek old women for treating me like I'm a dipshit, but I can't shake the feeling that they have a point. That I really am just a manchild that's rotted on the vine, and that I can't do 'real' work that a real actual adult man should be able to do.

To at least try to answer your question though: I'd love a job that is a real challenge to me; I want anything that'll finally validate my value as a man and a human being. I'd give anything for that. I don't know if the proposed plan of action actually entails anything like that though; but I also feel that if I hold back on the idea for later, I'm just rotting on the vine even further; and if I rush forward and it turns out I guessed wrong, then I'll be in an even harder and harsher place than before. It feels like I'm just gambling with my life on the line. Every day represents more and more irreversible decisions that will without doubt define who I am and how my life is going to end. I'm constantly stressed out about it.

If you're okay with pushing things to the edge to prove yourself, go with what you think you're good at. Worst case, you learn what you actually are good at.

[Rolan7]

My gma's delusions at night are getting worse and worse, and it helps when I stay with her but I don't think I can. So sleepy, I keep waking up from weird dreams or the slightest noise.  I was already quick to wake up, but I started sleeping with one ear open because she kept trying to go to breakfast mid-night.

She's lucid enough during the day to understand that we took her by a memory care place for lunch. She's resentful about it, not to mention her existing paranoia, and none of that is her fault. She's making increasingly unreasonable demands of the assisted living staff, particularly with me taking some time to get sober. They've given us a deadline, and that's not their fault.

And I guess none of this is my fault but I sure feel like it. I feel a lot of things. Sobriety is *crazy*. Four days I guess (yeah, got drunk New Year's Eve... eve).

[ggamer]

Generally just feeling pretty miserable right now
 Obviously my brain doesn't make enough serstonin so like, big oof, but also I feel myself develop neuroses about physical and romantic intimacy and I'm like "hey brain, don't do that now, that's just depression talking," and then I get direct confirmation that yes my brain was right the whole time. So lit, glad we got that settled. Looking forward to going braindead for the next week and working until I forget about the whole thing then doing this whole thing again the next time I try to find intimacy with anyone for longer than a week. It's already gotten to the point where I get jumpy when my friends touch me cause that shits baked into my central processor now, v excited to see how else my id internalizes this shit to make me more incapable of being a well rounded person going forward. Maybe soon I'll become incapable of flirting, until I'm some sack of shit 4chan type. Cool life plan for me.

I should make a sick conspiracy board tracking all these incidents, too. A depression board. Man that sounds fucking awesome.

Uh, venting aside, I saw someone mention yoink earlier. You doing alright brother? I know you're whole coastal area is on fire but did you get out in time and everything?

[wierd]

My gma's delusions at night are getting worse and worse, and it helps when I stay with her but I don't think I can. So sleepy, I keep waking up from weird dreams or the slightest noise.  I was already quick to wake up, but I started sleeping with one ear open because she kept trying to go to breakfast mid-night.

She's lucid enough during the day to understand that we took her by a memory care place for lunch. She's resentful about it, not to mention her existing paranoia, and none of that is her fault. She's making increasingly unreasonable demands of the assisted living staff, particularly with me taking some time to get sober. They've given us a deadline, and that's not their fault.

And I guess none of this is my fault but I sure feel like it. I feel a lot of things. Sobriety is *crazy*. Four days I guess (yeah, got drunk New Year's Eve... eve).

Rolan, you really should consider being permanently sober..  There ARE alcohol induced dementias.  I have cared for people with that condition.

If she is still lucid during the day, consider an LTC before a memory care setting.  Your GMA will be happier. 

[LordBaal]

Also while being drunk migth ease the moment and let you slip away it will not solve anything in the long term pal. As weird points out it could induce not only standing mental issues but also liver and kidney failures to name a few. As times goes by you'll feel less and less compulsion to drink,  I promise.

[Tingle]

I think all people whose drinking is excess and have abnormal physical or mental symptoms or such things should definitely remove all alcohol from diet.
Don't mean to hurt anyone. I love you guys even though you see me as a pest. So please all of you who hurt from alcohol, just try to cut back to stop.
Wierd is an arrogant smart guy who can give sound advice and over the years reading here I've grown to enjoy his consistent content.
Hmmm. Yes that will do.

[LordBaal]

For the record I don't consider you a pest.

[dragdeler]

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[LordBaal]

Yoink is form JumpingGiantRatsLand? Please dude tell us you arent one of the half billion animals that have been killed.

[dragdeler]

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[Rolan7]

Rolan, you really should consider being permanently sober..  There ARE alcohol induced dementias.  I have cared for people with that condition.

If she is still lucid during the day, consider an LTC before a memory care setting.  Your GMA will be happier.

She's been in assisted living, in this case an apartment/community with activities and a high level of independence.

I'm not sure what the difference between LTC and memory care are, even after looking just now.  Ideally she'd have LTC with a family member I guess, except she gets very paranoid at night and wanders.  Increasingly.  (also none of my older family wanna invite her, and I'm already living with two housemates and no first floor bedroom).

This solution is moving her even closer to my dad (something he's nervous about the responsibility of) and still only about 20 minutes from me, which I like.  So we can still take her out places during the day!  But when she gets paranoid at night and thinks there's a fire, or strangers sleeping in her bed, she'll have real people to assure her that everything's fine.  Even though she doesn't remember who I am *exactly*, I've always been able to reassure her that everything is okay when she wakes up and tries to leave. 

They appraised her as being suitable for, um, tier 1 care on a scale from 0-5, at least for now.  I think gets lonely, but also she's having serious memory issues, and in combination that's leading to paranoia.  Not only hiding things, but completely forgetting that she did so, and concluding that "they" stole them (to be clear, we've always found the items hidden in her room later).

I hate to think of her being alone so much.  She still reads some but has difficulty, and she can't really hear the TV but she watches it.  She's having so much trouble perceiving the world, it's no wonder she's becoming disconnected from it.  But I've gotten pretty good at talking directly in her ear, and during the day I can get her talking about old times.

Anyway, current plan is for me to stay with her *every* night for a couple weeks, while we work all this out, instead of twice a week.  It's decent money and actually less stress, since I'll bring my desktop computer and be sleeping in the same place consistently.  There's also no opportunity at all for me to get drunk in this arrangement, which is something I welcome.

Alcohol keeps the freaky dreams at bay for a little while, like a dependency, and I'm not okay with that arrangement.  So yeah, I'm back... on the wagon, yeah?  The dreams aren't even that bad as long as I'm feeling like a helpful person.  Exercise helps too.  Even "not having had alcohol in 2020" appeals to me in a round-number way.

So yeah things are looking a lot better, if challenging (: