It feels wrong to ask so much from all of you by posting these long rants. I don't want to be a burden on others, but I don't want those same emotions to seep into an unrelated thread and burdening others even more. I know that this is indeed the sad thread, but how much sad can one person make before y'all stop believing me?
I can't make heads or tails of the 'situation', so I default to the worst possible interpretation until proven otherwise. That incident from 2—3 years ago is the reason i'm so pessimistic about social stuff. It's a coping mechanism that is only now showing to be maladaptive. They were made in anger, in bitter rage at those people. Being surrounded by toxic people for so long has made me assume the worst in others and in myself. I'm certain that it's made me a worse person overall.
Looking at The Incident rationally, it was gradual. Being a total idiot had turned them against me over a period of years. what my subconscious tells me, though, is far more rapid. The moment I realized it... it hurts. My stupidity had given them cause to stab me in the back. It's my own damn fault. My fault, and my fault only.
It's unhealthy, this obsession with finding faults with myself so that others don't. It's fatalistic, in a way, in that I know that others will eventually find faults, mistakes I've made. I can't accept the notion that others are capable of forgiving these faults to some extent. It's a self-imposed zero-tolerance policy. That it doesn't reflect reality most of the time is entirely irrelevant. I'm too attached to let go.
Whenever I imagine social relationships, I imagine this hellscape where everyone betrays each other the moment the other guy makes a mistake. There's this set of unwritten rules, and they're constantly changing. It's dangerous to say that anyone is your friend, since they're gonna screw you over anyway. It's only a matter of time, after all. Even if you play this cruel game perfectly... guess what? Miscommunications happen all the time. You could be blamed for a 'crime' despite never having done anything of the sort.
I'm hesitant to call anyone my friend. This imaginary hellscape has scared me into this 'me vs. the world' mindset. I want to trust people, but I'm too stubborn to break away from this mindset of distrust. I don't want any of this to be true, and I think I'm fucking losing it.
...I know that I'll have to move on, but I haven't moved on yet. And if it hasn't happened yet, when will I? At 18? 21? 30? 40? On my deathbed, when it's too late?
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9785796 times)