Double post, first post deleted: I just shouldn't make posts when I'm so irate and emotional. I'm deleting a lot of my posts lately, I just can't stand myself. I'll write something, and then I'll just obsess over it, "I shouldn't have written that; that was spur of the moment; I'm a moron for doing that over a fleeting feeling; I have to go delete it now it's the only way." and I'm certain I'd be happier if I just let go and accepted that I'm allowed to write down my feelings and be stupid however I like, but god I just can't stop nagging myself. I deleted that little bit of story idea I put in the happy thread. I feel like my whole day came pre-ruined just cause I woke up with the overwhelming urge to delete that post. I feel like, by writing it down, I'm exposing that fantasy to my own self-hatred, and I'm poisoning it and forcing myself to obsessively criticize it until I hate it; and I don't want to hate it it makes me happy to think about it. Even though I feel that I could be a creator of art, I know I can't because artistry requires a level of emotional vulnerability that I know I can't endure, it's like a nightmare where you're nude in front of everyone. Except art feels like streaking, frolicking, doing naked interpretive dance in front of everyone just for the fun of it.
One day, when I die, I feel like the worst part of dying is that all the fantasies in my head are going to die with me. I hope I'll have the presence of mind at that moment to apologize, at the very least.