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[Yoink]

At least they have a life in which to solve things.
Stop belittling me for belittling myself.

Ok: That's the illusion, you're having the best time of your life. Rejoice for it can only get worse.

But seriously, even if I don't even know what concerts you're allways babbling about, I'm pretty confident we'd have the most epicest of blasts if you chose the venue and me the diet. Australia has an awesome good artist per capita rate, much as my homecountry that is placed between the cradles of techno, trance, hardcore and drum & bass and has an insane amount of indie bands. I know that DNB is big in melbourne.

Not sure about the "diet" part but otherwise I'd be down for that!
Haven't been to a decent rave or rave-equivalent in a while.
Last one I went to was some mediocre house nonsense and my friends and I tragically mistimed our ingestion of substances. It was still kinda fun, though.


...Actually wait, my friends' Halloween party the other night probably counts as a rave! That or some sort of musical alien abduction, I'm not sure.

[dragdeler]

-snip-

[Rowanas]

So, here's a real adult sad.

I got divorced ... 18 months or so ago, after hiding away from my wife and daughter because I was miserable and I blamed them for my misery. After we divorced, I realised that they were the only things actually making me happy, and I've descended deeper and deeper into a depressive gloom ever since.  I've stood at Torbay cliffs many times and tried to jump, or parked by car by the side of the motorway and willed myself into oncoming trucks,  and I've tried just warming up by cutting myself, but i'm a giant coward, so I've been utterly unsuccessful.  I've considered killing myself on my birthday a lot of times because it seems appropriate and significant, and gives me time to sort everything out (got my will and note all sorted) but I'm probably not going to manage it.

This evening my ex-wife told me that she's finally found someone else, and I've sunk even further.  I came home, asked my mate for some of his whisky (I drink extremely rarely, famous for it) I collected some stuff from friends who were holding on to it for me, but they were both otherwise engaged so I couldn't really stop to chat, I tried to talk to one of my mates (one of two that knows that I've been considering suicide seriously for a while now) but he's trying to get some time alone to recharge his own batteries, so I told him I'd do something else.

I try to keep everything to myself so that when I fail again, I can just keep going on like nothing happened, and it's served me well because I've failed over and over, but i'm hoping that if I tell people then the weight of shame and embarrassment of returning to civilisation if I fail will prevent me from backing out.

So yeah, i'm not in a great place, but I've finally run right through all of my good luck (and in fairness, I've fucked up more good things than most people will ever see in a lifetime) and I've been realising that if I wasn't happy when I had everything I wanted, even if good fortune kicked in and everything just fell into my lap -again-, I still wouldn't be happy with it, so I don't see any way of getting out of this misery - I prefer oblivion to suffering, and I don't see any way out, so I've got to overcome my cowardice and get on with it.

[KingofstarrySkies]

i am eighteen, am not going to college for another year, have no job, am a province away from all my friends, and do nothing but wake up at 1pm and waste the day doing nothing of value to society besides exist

this can't be all that life has to offer
this can't be.

[Teneb]

i am eighteen, am not going to college for another year, have no job, am a province away from all my friends, and do nothing but wake up at 1pm and waste the day doing nothing of value to society besides exist

this can't be all that life has to offer
this can't be.

You are right on the last part, in that there's way more to life than the misfortunes afflicting you now. Depression is a huge bastard, though, and won't let you see that.

Internet helps connect with friends, but if you truly do feel you are not contributing to society and desperately want to? Find voluntary work. There is always some going around looking for people and it can at least give you something to busy yourself with (and help people along the way) while you sort yourself out (I recommend, of course, seeking psychological or psychiatrical help, but am aware that not everyone actually get to it due to many reasons).

[Doomblade187]

@Rowanas, please do not give up. There is more to this life. Depression is a cruel beast, that will take any happiness you feel and simply hide it away. Please get help, professional or otherwise.

I did a quick search around Devon, found this site.

Devon suicide prevention./

I didn't find the british suicide hotline, but here's another site:

Supportline

[Yoink]

So, here's a real adult sad.

Damn. That... definitely sounds clinical.
It sounds like you have made numerous efforts towards escaping your situation one way, but have you tried any possible healthier solutions? Medication, perhaps? I have never been on meds myself and I know people say they aren't the be-all and end-all (that phrase sounds kind of inappropriate in this context...), but maybe they can at least keep the demons at bay long enough to make a start on changing your lifestyle and improving your overall wellbeing?

My "advice" here probably isn't that great, I have only anecdotal experience in this area, but I hope you realise that there are plenty of folks who care about you. Even we faceless internet strangers wish we could help. I am half-asleep and quite stressed for various reasons so apologies if this post comes across disjointed or nonsensical.




Other Sad: I have a friend (who I've not met in person but who I have come to appreciate nonetheless) who is going through some similar struggles at the moment. I don't know how to help and frankly it is kind of scary being confronted with that sort of... thing. Like, someone other than myself seeming to be wholly convinced of their own worthlessness. It is a shock. I should probably give her a call or something but I find phone calls difficult enough when I'm not trying to dig the other party out of the deep hole they're in without so much as a shovel.

[Dunamisdeos]

So, here's a real adult sad.

I got divorced ... 18 months or so ago, after hiding away from my wife and daughter because I was miserable and I blamed them for my misery.

Well... look, this sounds like what you are saying is that you had problems of your own creation/responsibility to correct and blamed your family for them, thereby compounding your problems. I don't know if I'm reading that right, and I definitely don't need to know because noone is here to judge you.

But if that's the case, this is the turning point. If you've been less than good in the past... well, I have known some truly terrifyingly awful people, and I don't think any of them have been capable of exiting that toxic mindset without hitting the kind of rock bottom you describe. It seems almost necessary. But the point is, there are ways to get through this. You can make this into a new beginning, it doesn't have to be the end. Just because you've made mistakes in the past does not mean you are locked into reliving or repeating them forever.

[LordBaal]

Rowanas... dunno what to really say. Some days are stressful and one can fantasy a quick getaway from the family, but I can phantom being separated from my wife and baby, never mind why and how. Hold strong and remember you have a duty with your kid, don't fail on it. Remember, The Emperor Judges.

[Rowanas]

Please get help, professional or otherwise.

Done, didn't help, because it didn't address the problem, which is that i'm miserable, and I don't know what my conditions for happy are.

It sounds like you have made numerous efforts towards escaping your situation one way, but have you tried any possible healthier solutions? Medication, perhaps? I have never been on meds myself and I know people say they aren't the be-all and end-all (that phrase sounds kind of inappropriate in this context...), but maybe they can at least keep the demons at bay long enough to make a start on changing your lifestyle and improving your overall wellbeing?

To quote The Verve, "The Drugs Don't Work".  I'd feel flat and empty for a bit, but every morning I woke up heavy and still exhausted.  I have tried improving my situation - I started going out every day of the week, meeting new people and getting involved in physical activities, I sleep as long as I need before work and I don't drink, smoke, take drugs etc (all the shit we're supposed to do for positive mental health) and.... still miserable.

Well... look, this sounds like what you are saying is that you had problems of your own creation/responsibility to correct and blamed your family for them, thereby compounding your problems. I don't know if I'm reading that right, and I definitely don't need to know because noone is here to judge you.

But if that's the case, this is the turning point. If you've been less than good in the past... well, I have known some truly terrifyingly awful people, and I don't think any of them have been capable of exiting that toxic mindset without hitting the kind of rock bottom you describe. It seems almost necessary. But the point is, there are ways to get through this. You can make this into a new beginning, it doesn't have to be the end. Just because you've made mistakes in the past does not mean you are locked into reliving or repeating them forever.

I've never been an evil man but I've lots of failures to improve on.  Even improving on my failures I still don't see how that changes how happy i'll be - like I said, even if everything good just fell into my lap again, I wasn't happy then, and now I've got all those consequences heaped up.  I'll never be happier than I was, and I dreamt about suicide then and well before.  I could be the best and nicest bloke on earth and I still wouldn't be any happier.

Rowanas... dunno what to really say. Some days are stressful and one can fantasy a quick getaway from the family, but I can phantom being separated from my wife and baby, never mind why and how. Hold strong and remember you have a duty with your kid, don't fail on it. Remember, The Emperor Judges.

My daughter is ok.  My ex-wife told me not to bother coming over for a few weeks because my daughter was tired from all her after school clubs on my visiting days, and when I saw her yesterday she seemed utterly unconcerned.  She knows I love her and my ex is doing a fine job of raising her without me around, especially given that she has to make special efforts to be back home so that I can see my daughter.  Now that my ex has someone else in her life, I'm going to be getting in the way even more.  I know it's selfish as well, but even if either of them did need me, I don't think it's worth living for.

[LordBaal]

How old is she?

[Rowanas]

How old is she?

Four.

[Dunamisdeos]

Most important thing is to stay involved with your daughter, of course.

But, it's important to understand you don't need to be evil to make mistakes. Good people make terrible mistakes sometimes. Sometimes we make a fair number of them, and they add up. We make mistakes with the way he handle others and we make mistakes in how we manage ourselves and our own problems. You absolutely CAN be as happy or happier than before. What's happened is that you thought this would make you happy, you expected it would make you happy, and apparently, it did not fulfill you. You can be happy in other ways. It's easy to say it, I know, but there are other ways to find fulfillment. It's worth pursuing.

I mean, what you are describing is grief. It's ok to grieve when we lose something important, or even if something important undergoes a significant change. It's natural.

[LordBaal]

Good people make terrible mistakes sometimes.

I'm like, the physical avatar of that.

Your daughter is on a important phase of her life. Don't let her fell you aren't there for her when she needs it, or that you don't love her.

[Kagus]

I've had kind of a weird run lately. My parents were visiting Norway because they wanted to see me, and in the five weeks they took off, we managed to meet up only a handful of times (granted, they did spend 10 days of that period in Italy celebrating my uncle's birthday, so they were a bit out of reach). We also had some sessions with my psychiatrist, so they could get to know her and she could get to know more of what I've talked about during the times my parents were a topic of conversation.

I'm a little sad at the last appointment, the one with both my parents tagging along... I mean, I know that my dad is not likely to change in any significant way, on anything... But he also basically stated that he also has no intention of trying, despite the harm that his way of doing things has caused me in the past (both distant and recent). There was some level of intellectual acknowledgement that his actions may have had some effect on my development and the development of my illness, but it was only faintly recognized and quickly dismissed in favor of more important matters, such as pressuring my psychiatrist to see if she was actually putting in an effort to make me better.

I don't want to guilt-trip my folks, I really don't... But I would like them to at least understand that, hey, maybe we *don't* always know what's best for Kagus. Maybe we played a role in the bad parts of his upbringing along with the good parts.


They just left today, and I spent the night over at the apartment they were using. Slept maybe 1-2 hours from 11 PM to 8:30 AM. They've mentioned that Norway really doesn't agree with them (my dad is physically allergic to cold climates, and my mom is morally allergic to cold personalities and the general snippyness and bitchery of my dad's side of the family), and that they're unlikely to consider another trip here for quite some time, if ever.

I also have to recognize that nobody here is getting younger, and they had me relatively late in life. I just... Don't really know what to do with that knowledge. I'd love for everything to be fixed and worked out, and for me to be healthy and capable of leading a constructive and successful life, but... That really doesn't look to be in the cards, at least not any time soon. I may someday aspire to the lofty position of a janitor or superintendent for some building, or possibly even a network monkey watching over a company server if I really manage to get my act together, but the concept of me ever attaining a formal education or becoming some self-made man is an extremely hypothetical one.

As for kids? Geez, I can't even take care of myself properly, having responsibility for another human life is just outrageous. Even if I could somehow scrape together a bare minimum ("nobody is ever ready for kids!"), I wouldn't want to inflict any kind of genetic predisposition to this shit on anyone.

I'm just... I'm so tired.