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[MrRoboto75]

Once again my dad thinks its 1970 and I can collect 20 jobs by just dressing nice and walking down the street.

Not like modern retail makes me want to off myself or anything silly like that.

[Yoink]

I can relate Yoink specially since my sleep is nonexistent, in he past three days I have sleep like 8 hours total and that kind of stuff trashes your memory and cognitive capacities, besides putting you in a horrible mood.

Also being broke sure sucks. Try to have a paper on your fridge with yours fixed expenses like rent, electricity, coocking gas, water, even groceries and such and have checkboxes for each month/week so you can keep track of what has been paid and what not each month/week.

If money is thigh cook yourself and buy vegetables on sales, ckean thwm and cut them then use bags or whatever container you can use on your fridge and freeze those bad boys.

Cooked rice and bread can be frozen too and thawed (is that a worword) at demand in portions as needed. Not the tastiest but still good for not wasting food.

Thanks Baal!
Yeah, I knew lack of sleep tends to wreck my mood but I'd forgotten how it affects the memory and such. Normally I'm good (well, decent) at budgeting, in this case I just entirely forgot about it, haha.

Freezing stuff is a pretty good idea for future, though. I should probably make more of a habit of that, although I seem to have gotten better at buying amounts of food that I can eat before it goes off.

Hope you manage to start getting at least a bit more sleep!
Yours is a lot more vital than mine. Remember, it's better to get some rest now and replenish your energy so that you're better equipped to deal with the stuff you need to get done later...

[SalmonGod]

I'd forgotten how it affects the memory

*snicker*

... sorry

[Yoink]

Haha, I knew there was a joke to be made in there.

(Also wow, posts typed on my phone wind up with really ugly formatting when viewed elsewhere.)

[ChairmanPoo]

I'd forgotten how it affects the memory

*snicker*

... sorry

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[JoshuaFH]

God, fuck me, I'm just so retarded. I hate myself. I got angry again at a game I was playing, and I'm trying my goddamn hardest to not make any noise. I smashed my controller on the ground over and over again, and just smashed it with my hand until it finally broke. I hit the ground and I hit my face. Just cause I'm angry at myself for making a stupid mistake cause I got impatient. Just fuck me I'm so retarded. My whole fucking life is a sham, I deserve to die.

I'm about to cry, but my emotions aren't real anyway.

[Doomblade187]

God, fuck me, I'm just so retarded. I hate myself. I got angry again at a game I was playing, and I'm trying my goddamn hardest to not make any noise. I smashed my controller on the ground over and over again, and just smashed it with my hand until it finally broke. I hit the ground and I hit my face. Just cause I'm angry at myself for making a stupid mistake cause I got impatient. Just fuck me I'm so retarded. My whole fucking life is a sham, I deserve to die.

I'm about to cry, but my emotions aren't real anyway.

Your emotions are real. You are real. You deserve to live.

[JoshuaFH]

God, fuck me, I'm just so retarded. I hate myself. I got angry again at a game I was playing, and I'm trying my goddamn hardest to not make any noise. I smashed my controller on the ground over and over again, and just smashed it with my hand until it finally broke. I hit the ground and I hit my face. Just cause I'm angry at myself for making a stupid mistake cause I got impatient. Just fuck me I'm so retarded. My whole fucking life is a sham, I deserve to die.

I'm about to cry, but my emotions aren't real anyway.

Your emotions are real. You are real. You deserve to live.

I just don't know what to say anymore. I cracked open my xbox controller, but I'm just as hollow and purely mechanical on the inside as it is. This is a cyclical pattern of misbehavior on my part, a pattern that is inescapable as it's set in a foundation of desperation. That's how I always feel every day, desperate. Even when I'm doing good, as I thought I was today, on the inside I'm just so desperate that anything can set me off. The entire contents of my life from beginning to end, is all just shallow and contrived bullshit. You'd think that maybe I could just be happy with all the immaterial bullshit like videogames that make up my life, but I apparently can't even be any good at that, so even just a stupid small slipup there discredits my existence in my eyes. There's nothing of real substance in my life, and I so desperately want there to be substance, but the path towards substance is hidden from me, I have no idea what to do or where to start.

One lone memory in my head that haunts me in moments like these is one from Highschool. A classmate of mine got dumped by their girlfriend, and he got so angry that he punch a locker and broke his hand. I wanted to try consoling him, so I lied and said "I know how you feel." and he immediately saw through me and said "No you don't!". And honestly I still don't, I've never been dumped, I've never been so angry that I've broken my hand, my emotions are still not *real* enough to warrant that kind of action. I think I might have lightly hurt my hand from repeatedly pounding on my controller, and my face feels a little tender from hitting myself, but I still don't think that any of that anger was *real* anger. I took a walk to calm myself down, and I'm always wondering what death and dying feel like, what the point of my living is if nothing I say, think, or do is of any consequence, not even to myself?

Just, god, I'm so retarded. Why'd I have to up and do something like this, get so riled up over nothing, on a day I have to get to sleep and go to work? God do I hate myself.

[ChairmanPoo]

Dude you need professional help. That kind of poor impulse control is not normal

[MrRoboto75]

I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Whoever dug the tunnel either utterly failed to maintain it so it collapsed in on itself, or deliberately caved it in so only they could cross.  And then when I'm forced to go over rather than through, I get odd looks and questions about why I'm not using the tunnel.

My dad recently asked me if I thought the world was against me.  I said no.  In all honesty I believe the world doesn't care.  Not in the sense that the world won't revolve around me, the world doesn't care about anyone.  Every job I work at I'm not a person, just a resource to be mined out until they need a fresh person to exploit.  All to give someone I'll never meet more cash, whose already seen more cash than I'll ever see.  And this is seen as a privilege.  You're lucky someone wants to bother bleeding all the short term profit they can get away with, when instead they can cast you aside and forget about you.  Doesn't matter how many corpses it takes to chase the almighty dollar.  I think I have nothing to look forward to but the utter consequences of the resulting decline from such an uncaring world.

I just don't see the point in "surviving".  So what, I chase two or more jobs just so I can work and sleep?  Its not like I'm ever going to own a home, ever going to marry, ever going to introduce kids into this shit dystopia.  It doesn't get any better than this.

[dragdeler]

-snip-

[Dunamisdeos]

@Joshua

No sir, that's all normal descriptions of normal-people anger, and normal coping methods thereof. Punching a thing so hard you break your hand is in fact NOT normal. Sounds like you are better adjusted. Frankly, anyone who pretends they haven't broken a thing in a fit of temper is a fibber. To put this in perspective, I am a person who most people seem to believe does not break my cool, ever. I am famous with people I have never even met for being the most chill person around. I have never broken my hand, but I have in fact punched an arm-sized chunk out of a punching bag in a red-tinged adrenaline-fuel murderous fury. None of those adjectives are figurative. This does not mean I am a bad person, it means I got angry that one time and broke something. People pretend that anger is a thing that doesn't happen to good people, but that's not how it works.

May I suggest volunteer work? I find that anything which has a measurable positive effect on other people will give your life meaning, however slight. A soup kitchen, even. I did work with people with severe disability, but I had extensive prior experience from Family. The thing is, substance is up to you to define. A life doesn't necessarily "gain" substance when you get a job, or buy a house, or get married, or win a Pulitzer. There are plenty of people for whom "substance" means living in the woods while contributing nothing to society and just fishing for the rest of their life.

Is there something you expected to have by now that you lack? I'm poor as balls, but I have a family. I didn't expect to be financially wealthy, and therefore I am not feeling a lack. The best starting point is: What do you feel, specifically, is missing?

[LordBaal]

@ Joshua, dude, you kind of need some help with that outburst of angriness. Please talk to somebody about it because honestly it seems kinda dangerous for you and others around you. I could understand that kind of reaction if you just lost someone, or had a mayor tragedy going on, but for a video game, that you were playing alone? That's worrying. Or are you worried/angry about something else?


@ Roboto, what did you told your father then? Because for what you say here I would think you believe the world is indeed against you, either actively or by indifference. And while most businesses do see their employees the way you describe that's not stopping all of those people working anyway. I mean, you could look it that way or try to have a more positive angle on all this, honestly you know you need to be more positive, and things could get better if you try to make them so, but you have surrendered before start, and that way you'll never truly know.

Your father reaching out to you asking what you think seems something good. If you think that he or anyone else could help you then do so. Speak to him about how you truly feel.

[MrRoboto75]

@ Roboto, what did you told your father then? Because for what you say here I would think you believe the world is indeed against you, either actively or by indifference. And while most businesses do see their employees the way you describe that's not stopping all of those people working anyway. I mean, you could look it that way or try to have a more positive angle on all this, honestly you know you need to be more positive, and things could get better if you try to make them so, but you have surrendered before start, and that way you'll never truly know.

Your father reaching out to you asking what you think seems something good. If you think that he or anyone else could help you then do so. Speak to him about how you truly feel.

My dad acts the same way no matter what I tell him.  Calls me a "useless child" and yells at me daily about getting a worthless job.  Maybe if he actually gave a real shit he wouldn't have lied to me about how my trip to relatives wasn't really about caring for a cancer striken grandmother, but actually about "teaching me a lesson" by having family verbally abuse me on a daily basis until I "chose to leave on my own".

The only people who will consider hiring me is minimum wage no-respect slavery.  The wage is barely capable of anything, life wise.  Basically no savings, no benefits, no hope for affording any rent.  One mistake outside of my control means deep debt as well as losing what job I have.  May as well die.

And then they realize I'm either not profitable (because margins don't exist anymore) or I'm not enough of a mindless drone and they fire me.  In spite of how utterly shitty the job market is, it is of course my fault and I'm the lazy one.  I've literally hundreds of times and went deep into debt to actually be worth something more but all that effort has lead to nothing.  The vast majority of the job market would rather forget about me and let me die on the streets.

[LordBaal]

I know the feeling of hopelessness and the imbalance on a budget. How old are you?