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[LordBaal]

Oh the ironing...

[bloop_bleep]

I've lapsed back into depression. It's worse than it ever was before. Now I just want to die. I've never wanted to die before. Whatever last scrap of hope or joy I got out of life is gone. I constantly feel like I want to scream at the top of my lungs. The only thing I think about every waking moment of my life is my regret. I've fucked up so many times with so many things that there's no point in living anymore. I just want to rewind time back two years and try again. I don't think I've ever experienced true despair before. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't think I have the willpower left to keep going. I've thought of suicide several times already. I feel worse when I'm not thinking of suicide than when I am because when I resign myself to suicide all my worries don't matter anymore. Several times I thought I'd finally gotten over it but then I fell even further down than I did before.

I'm scared of what I might do to myself. Please help.

[hector13]

Call someone you trust and talk to them.

Also call a doctor to get an appointment with a psychologist, if feasible.

[Gentlefish]

Suicide hotlines are available in every country; here's the US, in case things get dire: 1-800-273-8255

The best thing you can do is talk to someone you trust about it. I'll also throw out that while I haven't felt so hopeless, I do struggle with suicidal thoughts too and am willing to talk if you PM me. It's tied to my email and I'll see the message in fairly short order unless I'm asleep.

Otherwise, I do truly wish you the best of luck. It'll pass, eventually. You just have to make it there.

[Trekkin]

There are also online chat versions of hotlines in case talking is hard. Here's a list of many of them for different countries: http://www.suicidestop.com/suicide_prevention_chat_online.html

[Rolan7]

(pls no quote)
The emotional "crash" I expected never happened.  I hiked a lot, but didn't hurt myself or burn.  I stopped blacking out, and had fun buzzed conversations rather than weird rants.  I hung out with my friends in person.  I had some weird dreams, but few actually bad ones.  And I just felt... motivated, to do constructive things like clean and do good work.

I don't mean to be mean, or search for a single reason, but I haven't seen my immediate family for about the same amount of time.  I know they mean well, but I think a lot of my issues are connected to them, and I have to be really careful - if I give them too much time, I just fall apart at a deep level.  Now mom wants to go walking this week, and dad just returned to town and immediately asked for help replacing a water heater, door, and then for a 3 hour ride to the beach.

Like... he knows I have issues with the beach specifically, not to mention long car rides (lot of forced conversation).  And he has a perfectly good car.  Does he just... not care, or what...  I don't know how to respond to this IM, or mom's text.  They want to hang out, I should be happy to see them, but I need to recognize I have problems with that...

[scourge728]

Tell your dad no, he appears to be taking advantage of you....

[Gentlefish]

It's totally okay to say you have other plans and keep your family at arm's length. I have a friend who's having to do exactly that for their mental health's sake.

[Rolan7]

Thanks!
I talked with a friend and figured it out. This surprise set of asks is extreme and inconsiderate even for him. The truth is he's in a post-travel snit, and is taking it out on me. If I did come over, we wouldn't even get to the beach part until tomorrow or Thursday. And if I refuse, he gets to feel like the victim.

I'm not feeling guilty over such petty, manipulative BS (anymore). Specifically, I've gone out walking for wailmer candy, and the exertion feels good.

[Hanslanda]

Just bored and restless. I know it's the start of one of my down swings. I just wish I had some fucking drugs. Guess that isn't the healthiest craving.

[Reelya]

Also sad, Github apparently now has a thing on it suggesting you should be using the Edge browser.

[Doomblade187]

Just bored and restless. I know it's the start of one of my down swings. I just wish I had some fucking drugs. Guess that isn't the healthiest craving.

Do you have something else that you like a lot? Because I agree that that isn't the healthiest craving. I take the edge off of any (granted, non-addictive driven) cravings I have by like, eating pickles.

This works for me because it gives me a similar experience while not being the actual thing. Is there something you could substitute?

I am aware this may be entirely unelpful. My apologies if it is, Hans.

[hector13]

Also sad, Github apparently now has a thing on it suggesting you should be using the Edge browser.

's probably 'cause Microsoft is in the process of buying it.

[IronTomato]

Also sad, Github apparently now has a thing on it suggesting you should be using the Edge browser.

's probably 'cause Microsoft is in the process of buying it.

Careful not to cut yourself on that Edge, Microsoft.

[LordBaal]

So, another week wasted. The system is not working today, ask another appointment and come another day....

It took me three weeks of sleepless nights and almost getting my ass fired again to get a single miserable appointment with the clogged up webpage they put it cobbled together with crappy code and crappier servers, which only works from 6 pm to 6 am... all in vain...

I feel like I'm on the edge of insanity.