I had a streak of being in a good mood utterly ruined yesterday.
Finally, finally got a job again, an apprenticeship at a really freaking awesome company, where I can finally get a Diploma as a computer technician. If all goes according to plan I'm gonna be done in 2020 and can actually work a full job with decent income, and then maybe start working on getting my own place (still living at my parents atm) and also try to pay off my debt.
During my period of unemployment, I didnt really see a lot of my rl-friends (reffering to people I actually get to see, as opposed to basically only interacting with them Online) and used my job search as a convenient out to not have to attend parties, or be dragged to Bars or what have you. Since I don't really ahve that excuse anymore, I was dragged to a little Event yesterday, with some people from my schooldays, some friends, and some people I didnt know.
The circle of people we're talking about is around their mid-twenties, meaning we got quite a few people present that either have long running-relationships, or might have even got married, with some even having kids already. Naturally, the fact that I basically had remained single for more than half a decade was something often commented on. Some of my closer friends in particular often push me to get hooked up already.
At first this was just annoying, but as the evening progressed it got more and more jarring. My two previous relationships ended terribly, I'm generally incredibly awkward when it comes to personal stuff, and I have a very hard time opening up to people beyond a certain baseline. Those two factors make me feel like trying to hook up with anybody is basically running into a minefield, in the vain hope that the first Teller-Mine will dispense candy and pudding, instead of blowing most of your limbs off.
The whole thing escalated into the accusation that having "two bad apples" had colored my perception of relationships and women in a completely untrue way, and that I was being childish by avoiding these matters, even tough I do sometimes feel lonely.
I tried shaking it off. I got a good job now, good perspective. But it's still sticking with me. I had a hard time sleeping, with some insecurities rising up, and part of me is actually worried that I'm really turning into that spiteful hunchback that flips couples the finger behind their backs, going "Bah, Humbug!"