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[TD1]

Visualise end goals? Do a bit of exercise (walk/run, etc.) and then go to what you wanted to do?

Bad productivity is really very annoying, but if you're careful to shape your attitude you shoooould get out of it.

[Yoink]

@Joshua: you could always take the commodified companionship route without expunging every shed of romanticism and sentimentality from your soul, y'know.

If you bite the bullet and do the whole internet hookups thing now, then when you do eventually find someone you care about your budding romance won't be impeded by a lack of experience. *shrug*

Besides, I've known people who have actually managed to find good, serious relationships using Tinder. It sounds crazy to me but w/e. The horror stories get more publicity but plenty of people have good experiences with it... the idea of using it myself still squicks me out personally, but then I have numerous opportunities to meet people irl to begin with - and I'm not really that keen on relationships anyhow.


But, that's besides the point - I think you should give it a shot.
You don't need to write a long, rambly bio about what you'll bring to the table in your hypothetical future relationships, just make a damn account and go from there.

[Dunamisdeos]

@Japa

I usually have two projects going on so I can switch between, one of them "major" and one side thing. Do you have anything else you can do to break the monotony?

[JoshuaFH]

@Joshua: you could always take the commodified companionship route without expunging every shed of romanticism and sentimentality from your soul, y'know.

I want to believe that's the case, I've considered it, but I can't help but think that it's a slippery slope downward into inevitable apathy. Now, I don't want people to think I'm a moral or good person, as I don't consider myself to be, I'm just incompetent, but even though I feel I've missed out on a lot in life, I think that a lot of "normal" people missed out on what I've experienced through my obsessive introspection and loneliness. I guess you could say it's the one perk of my lifestyle that I've been reluctant to let go of.

But, that's besides the point - I think you should give it a shot.
You don't need to write a long, rambly bio about what you'll bring to the table in your hypothetical future relationships, just make a damn account and go from there.

I'll seriously consider it regardless, as it's pretty obvious that my life is just getting increasingly worthless every day, and it's clear that unless I do something drastic, I'll be in the same rut forever.

[sprinkled chariot]

There is absolutely fabulous tabletop game named chaos in the old world, and it is impossible to obtain in Russia

[Rose]

@Japa

I usually have two projects going on so I can switch between, one of them "major" and one side thing. Do you have anything else you can do to break the monotony?

Right now it's vidjagames and netflix, but I'll see if I can think of something better.

[Reelya]

The horror stories get more publicity but plenty of people have good experiences with it...

Tv news bulletin: "thing works as intended, more news at 5!"

But yeah, yoink is right. You need to just bite the bullet and interact with people more, no matter the channel. Worrying about whether when you get a hookup whether it will be meaningful or not is jumping the gun.

You need to be in the pipeline for any possible outcomes to even be meaningful. Basically this is Dunning-Krueger territory. Without some experiences in that domain, any long-term assessments you make cannot help but be distorted by lack of perspective. This is true of everyone entering a new domain.

Anyway, if long-term you want a proper relationship then the thing to work on is yourself. Dress better, eat better, better yourself. Those are the things that make you appealing to other people, but they can also be done purely because they make you feel good. And it's being confident in yourself that is the appealing thing to other people. Doing things "for approval" is the wrong mindset. Find things that you can do because they make you better and happier, and basically list some long-term goals.

"New years resolutions" seems wrong to me, they have a terrible track record. They're completely useless as a goal-setting system. "I'm going to be good this year" is a stupid system that can't possibly work. Forget the concept entirely. Use a proven goal-setting technique such as SMART or something if you want to have goals. List your long-term goals, then list the things you lack to achieve those goals. Then, say "what do i lack to achieve those subgoals". Work backwards until you have things that you can action today, then just do it. So, you work from the long-term to the immediate term, then focus on the immediate part for a while, and every so often, you do a stocktake to see whether it's working to get you that bit closer, re-jig things if it isn't.

[JoshuaFH]

Anyway, if long-term you want a proper relationship then the thing to work on is yourself. Dress better, eat better, better yourself. Those are the things that make you appealing to other people, but they can also be done purely because they make you feel good. And it's being confident in yourself that is the appealing thing to other people. Doing things "for approval" is the wrong mindset. Find things that you can do because they make you better and happier, and basically list some long-term goals.

I feel you're making a lot of assumptions again Reelya. I've actually been doing really well. I don't report my progress in Nenjin's thread, but I feel pretty good with my exercise progress. In fact, the only reason I'd seriously consider such a vulgar idea is because I feel I've grown emotionally stable enough to handle it. Though I want to add, that I'm not thinking of doing for any random woman's 'approval', it's something I'd want to do for myself, because I don't think I need to tell anyone at this point that I have an unconquerable feeling of inferiority to other people that is *always* on my mind, that I feel keeps me chained in place in life, just because sitting in the back of my mind at all times is the feeling that being a virgin is a massive personal failing, that no matter what I do my character & masculinity are called into question because of it. Nobody is persecuting me, I know, it's just all in my head, it's not news that I'm a knotted up rat's nest of personal baggage, but I'd like to untangle a little bit of it so I can finally get on with my life.

Obviously I'm not immune to being swayed by other's opinion of me, but I suppose my ultimate goal would be to become the totally self-assured person that I have pictured in my mind, the kind of person whose self-worth is never in question, and so is never distracted by petty thoughts, but instead his priorities remain the center focus of his mind. It's my favorite quote from a book I read: "A true gentleman is someone who values their opinion of themselves more than the opinion of other people." Your post really reminds me of that.

Now, I suppose my biggest personal qualm with this idea is that I'm placing a large burden of expectation on the yet-to-be-named hypothetical future woman. People engaging through the app because they're just horny monkeys is a comparatively innocent and carefree motive compared to my own, which is tied up inextricably with my own sense of self-worth, baggage with women and sex, and existential dread regarding the future. But I suppose it's that feeling that has kept me paralyzed and has convinced me that inaction is the best action for quite a long time now, which I suppose is something I need to force my way through because it can't be reasoned with.

"New years resolutions" seems wrong to me, they have a terrible track record. They're completely useless as a goal-setting system. "I'm going to be good this year" is a stupid system that can't possibly work. Forget the concept entirely. Use a proven goal-setting technique such as SMART or something if you want to have goals. List your long-term goals, then list the things you lack to achieve those goals. Then, say "what do i lack to achieve those subgoals". Work backwards until you have things that you can action today, then just do it. So, you work from the long-term to the immediate term, then focus on the immediate part for a while, and every so often, you do a stocktake to see whether it's working to get you that bit closer, re-jig things if it isn't.

I actually have CGP Grey's "7 Ways to Maximize Misery" downloaded onto my computer already, been sitting in my videos folder for months as I occasionally go back to rewatch it. It's the first video to introduce me to SMART. I even went out of my way to read the related book. But you know me Reelya, I can't let a good idea get in the way of doing stupid things, and so I've always managed to rationalize to myself that desires are suspicious and therefore the actual value of goals is suspect at best. Or put simply, "How do I know that I want what I want? What if it's actually a bad idea?" which I realize is a schizophrenic way of thinking if you brutally interrogate your own feelings, don't trust anything they tell you, and are always demanding more answers because you just don't trust'em. I just hate the idea of saying or thinking things with certainty, saying "I am this" or "I am going to this with my life" instigates intense doubt and worrying in my mind, though I know that thinking like that will never get me anywhere. Though, and this is perhaps the thing that has motivated me to consider this idea the most, was that my friend made a comment when I said "I guess I just always worry over nothing" and she said "Worry over nothing? You? I don't believe it!" which was an exchange that really reassured me that I'm full of shit, and should just stop taking things so seriously.

Actually, now I suddenly feel really embarrassed, because it's just set in that I'm talking in public about something so vulgar. Perhaps I should've never brought it up, and perhaps I only did so because I was in a half-awake stupor at the time of my original posting. But I guess we're all (mostly) grown-ass adults, so I suppose it doesn't matter.

[Reelya]

Anyway, if long-term you want a proper relationship then the thing to work on is yourself. Dress better, eat better, better yourself. Those are the things that make you appealing to other people, but they can also be done purely because they make you feel good. And it's being confident in yourself that is the appealing thing to other people. Doing things "for approval" is the wrong mindset. Find things that you can do because they make you better and happier, and basically list some long-term goals.

I feel you're making a lot of assumptions again Reelya.

I don't really think I was making those assumptions. The point is, that if you enter the dating game via e.g. Tinder, then you're going to be pulled into a thing where you're shaping yourself to appeal to someone else, that's just how it works. That's 100% what dating apps are about. They're marketing, and you are the product you're selling.

My point was that making yourself as awesome as possible in your own right, rather than trying to shoehorn into Tinder is the better long-term strategy for getting relationship stuff. It also has the advantage that just being awesome instead of trying to market yourself as awesome on Tinder has less chance of explosively backfiring in a way that leaves you more depressed about it.

[JoshuaFH]

Anyway, if long-term you want a proper relationship then the thing to work on is yourself. Dress better, eat better, better yourself. Those are the things that make you appealing to other people, but they can also be done purely because they make you feel good. And it's being confident in yourself that is the appealing thing to other people. Doing things "for approval" is the wrong mindset. Find things that you can do because they make you better and happier, and basically list some long-term goals.

I feel you're making a lot of assumptions again Reelya.

I don't really think I was making those assumptions. The point is, that if you enter the dating game via e.g. Tinder, then you're going to be pulled into a thing where you're shaping yourself to appeal to someone else, that's just how it works. That's 100% what dating apps are about. They're marketing, and you are the product you're selling.

My point was that making yourself as awesome as possible in your own right, rather than trying to shoehorn into Tinder is the better long-term strategy for getting relationship stuff. It also has the advantage that just being awesome instead of trying to market yourself as awesome on Tinder has less chance of explosively backfiring in a way that leaves you more depressed about it.

Sorry I misunderstood you there. But yeah, I'm aware of that idea, I vaguely alluded to it before, that not just dating apps but alot of modern culture seems to be pushing people into creating an attractive facade of themselves as a brand, and then urging them to sell it in order to ensure their own success. That is one of my main criticisms of the entire shebang, that it's fundamentally dehumanizing.

[Spehss _]

There's a cute girl I keep seeing at the gym. Kinda want to talk to her. But of course meeting new people is not my strong suit, and especially not meeting cute girls. And I don't think people go to the gym to talk to or meet new people. And I don't know what to say.

And probably I'm gonna move out to another town to finish college in a couple months, so meeting anyone new around this area is going to be temporary at best.

Basically I'm making excuses to do nothing. Bums me out. She's really cute.

[LordBaal]

I'm outta job.

Economy forcing business to cut people short and all that. They are consolidating the department to work remotely from the central office and I became useless. After 9 years (8 in one company and 1 in this one) I'll be with no job on a large company. We are planning on leaving this year but this is a huge hurdle. I hope I can manage to stave off starvation long enough to at least send my wife and baby out of here.

The reason we can't do that right now is the darn passports the government refuses to issue/renew because they are bastards, there's no other explanation. I keep exploring options on how to get passports but all involve money I don't really have around. The other is a overly complicated series of bureaucratic steeps for my wife to obtain the Colombian nationality, but even if we succeeded right now, as in today, the passport for her would take 6 months, and then 6 months for our baby and me, that's a whole year for the family to have passports.

And as much my pride is hurt, it time to accept this, and be honest with myself, we won't make it for another year, not here, not in good shape.

I'm trying to not cry.... and be strong for them. But things do look pretty grim. I'm already planning on selling the computer, the last tv, and my smartphone, also sell all but single pair of shoes, I need no more anyway.

She's also selling most her shoes, and this is specially painful on a personal level. It brakes my heart she has to do that, she really like her shoes, far more than the average woman which is already saying a lot.

In this bleak life right now I really can't give her what she truly deserves materially, we go months on without even the smallest of indulgences and now she has to renounce to what little material holdings she treasures the most.... on top of that she does it with a smile on her face and with the love and care only the most precious of among all woman, wives, and mothers could do it.

"It's for the team, and there will be better times, they are only shoes" she says. But deep down I know for her it's like the biggest nerd selling out his unopened, limited edition phaser signed by Roddenberry and Shatner just to pay some bills for this month....

Already looking for jobs, I hope I can find anything that allows us leave here soon enough and that the government at least issues the passport for my baby and my wife.

I lost my job but not my will to fight on, to survive and give my kind a better future, but desperation is starting to get a hold on my now.

EDIT:

Basically I'm making excuses to do nothing. Bums me out. She's really cute.

I meet my wife when see tripped and almost fell over me the first day of college. But even then I wasn't sure how to start a conversation, so I noticed she had the same cellphone than me, and that was a conversation starter. That night I told my best friend that "today I've meet the woman I will marry" It was love at first sight from my side. Then a lot of weeks passed and we barely talked. Then my father died and she closed on me for support, eventually we ended up as a couple and then as a marriage.

Don't think too much, try to find something in common if any, but don't look creepy spying on her or anything. In the end if you don't find anything simply tell her that you find her interesting, and if she would like to have a coffee someday or anything. The worst thing it could happen is a no, and as you say, you are leaving in a few months, so there's no really harm there.

[JoshuaFH]

Are you sure you don't want some charitable help from your Bay12 friends?

[TD1]

I would certainly spare a few pounds if I knew how to get them to you.

[LordBaal]

Are you sure you don't want some charitable help from your Bay12 friends?

I certainly don't know anymore.

My conviction is to work honestly to earn things, that's how I was raised and that's the example I want to give to my son. On the other hand pressing needs may force me to accept any goodwill help offered, but all registered with documents and payback compromises, all noted on a ledger to pay back everything.

Not sure how to feel about getting it from you guys. For all you know I might be a scammer, or I could die trying to scape and then your money, for little as it might be, would be lost forever. I think wouldn't feel good I couln't make it and pay you back.

Soliciting is also forbidden on the forums so is something I could never or will ask. This and another site has been my vents lately and I would hate to lose one of them.


EDIT: More venting incoming....

I don't really see hope in a change of government, even less in a change on the system which is what is really, deeply needed. You could overthrow them tomorrow, some other rats would take the spot. Hell, when Chavez died (and I hope he's in the first word of this sentence) people thought we couldn't be worst and there you have it. I'm not saying that we would be better with him, perhaps we would be even worst, the point is sudden changes in delicate situations aren't always a positive thing.

In other news, I'm felling extra sleepy today for some reason, and I don't like it because more than ever I need to be sharp and stay focused looking for opportunities, like my life depended on it  , but seriously, my family's life depend on me getting sustenance.

On yet other tale, this tuesday, while doing an 8 hours queue for two packs of dippers and a can of baby food. We saw a mother carrying his kid walk in, in a haste asking if that was the place were baby food was being sold. The military men there told her yes, but no more sells today, only the first 100 persons would. She slowly walked out of the store, gazed upon her children and simply sat on the floor crying, from where we weer standing it looked like she was asking the kid for forgiveness while caressing his face and kissing his head. That kid was almost fainted to the bones, he looked like he was around one year old, but couldn't weight more than 6, perhaps 7 kg (13 to 15 lb) but I don't know, it was really hard to tell how old was he but he just looked like a skeleton, which is something I'm sure will haunt me for the rest of my life. One thing is to look at photos of starving children on magazines or the internet in far away lands that you might never even visit, another is having one in front of you and be unable to do a damn thing, it's simply soul crushing.

At the time of this it was already 5:00 pm, (the three of us were there since 7:30 am, we had number 48, the queue was well over 200 people), a guy in the queue outside loudly pointed out how the military and police came and went several times buying the products over and over again with no regards of the queue. He was immediately detained and taken away, with any luck he was just beaten and spend a night or two on jail then trow out. But when civilians are having express trials at martial courts with sentences of months or years for so much as verbally insulting a military men, or simply walking around near a protest, you might never know.

It passed my head to buy the baby food and gave it to that mother crying outside, see, woman here are having issues breast feeding because for that to work they would need to eat well, go figure.... regardless we didn't get the baby food anyway, as we weren't allowed to buy it because my son is only four months old, the food was for 6-24 months, and life in a socialist paradise is a bitch.