I think I'm boring.
I mean, my personality isn't boring, I don't think. I can be quite charismatic and funny at times, and I like to think my general topics of thought are entertainingly offbeat and deranged.
But to communicate any of these thoughts and feelings to people? To put them into words? To cut those down into chunks small enough to cram through the cracks in the social anxiety barrier that walls my mind off from the outside?
By the time all that is done, I'm left sounding boring as fuck. When I bump into people I know all I usually manage to come up with is an enthusiastic "hey, how's it going?" or a "pretty good, and yourself?" and very little to actually spark a conversation of any depth.
This is probably why I'm so bad at making/keeping friends... I'm not shy, just
boring.
I'm always pretty grateful when people actually make the effort to draw me into a conversation, because I am sure as heck not likely to. Even lately, with my noticeably lessened anxiety, it's still hard.
...Eh, I'm getting better at least. Every day is a new opportunity for improvement, both in actions and in outlook.
And when actions and outlook aren't enough, there is always inspiration of a more recreational kind to bridge the gap - although those artificial, forced kinds of social interaction always make the usual, sober kind seem even more lacklustre than they usually do.
I need to re-capture the art of enjoying oneself whilst sober. I feel like I got pretty great at that for a while, earlier in the year. Dang.