I'm starting to think that maybe I just self-identify as a loser to such a degree that I can't help but sabotage myself to keep myself that way. That my identity has to protect itself that way.
I just want to change my life without feeling sickened with myself. I want to date people but whenever I so much as look at an attractive woman or at a website like Okcupid or whatever, I get caught up thinking "God what a banal, stupid existence I live in. Am I no better than any stupid creature that brainless fucks and then dies? Would it not be more dignified to just reject it and die without lowering myself to such disgusting banality?"
Or I'm frequently told that I'm a smart guy and I should go to college, but I'm always thinking "What can a bunch of bass ackwards con artists schools do besides overcharge me, insult my intelligence with classes that are out of touch with the real-life subject matter, and perhaps give me a piece of paper that might be worthless anyway? It's not as though there is any path in life I'm passionate enough to be willing to throw myself into lifelong debt to try to pursue."
Or I'm frequently told I'm a handsome guy by my friends, and I've been getting more motivated in diet and exercise, but I keep slipping cause of the reoccurring thought "What a vain funeral procession! I don't have anyone to impress, and even if I did, would it truly matter?"
It's all stupid, and I'm stupid. I wonder if it isn't in fact the proper way of creatures to just blithely ignore all thoughts and just mindlessly pursue arbitrary goals, perhaps that's the path to happiness, but I just refuse to truly acknowledge it by my desire to protect my identity as a loser through my over-rationalization and pessimistic attitude. I've even brought this up before, but I guess I just never learn.