I chatted with a friend for a while earlier this evening. I and a community I help run got him through a tough year last year, but he's moved back to his old school (and away from the difficult situation). It's a good thing for him but it feels kind of bittersweet for me because in a way, it's goodbye; he won't be hanging around the community much, now that he's back with his IRL friends.
At some point in the last couple of weeks, I think I let my grip on my nihilism slip or something, haha. It's bothering me more than usual that I'm in some odd ways an eternal side character in others' lives; always helpful on some level, and I usually have some kind of impact on anyone I spend much time with, but I can't shake the feeling I'll be forgotten in a matter of months or years.
I've never felt quite so affected by my various mental oddities (I have, for all intents and purposes, schizoid personality disorder). When I let my guard down it bothers me that I have no real close relationships, but I reflexively reject intimacy on an almost subconscious level.
On the plus side, in the morning I'll probably have the iron grip on mtself back and won't really care again, but man. Feels a bit like I'm intentionally flattening my affect to numb the pain, and that's no good.
Edit: Oh, and in slightly less existential angst, I swear my limbs are trolling me. A couple days back my left arm felt very slightly numb, like I'd knocked a nerve or something, and today after doing some work with my hands my right thumb has gone on strike and won't cross over my palm properly. It's recovering a little, I think, but it's really bizarre to just have it up and riot on me like that.