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[ECrownofFire]

It's over.

What is?

My relationship.

She wants me to be independent. But I'm going in circles, constantly stuck in inaction. I never do anything to get better, improve myself, do things, or anything.

Yet another thing ruined by my own lack of... maturity. And this time it's not something I can get back.

[Dunamisdeos]

Me and my wife have the TV and my gaming PC in the same room, but I am forbidden from turning around and heckling her Vampire Diaries. I was banned from this after "ruining" Twilight. I did get to see Mr. T stomp about like a Tyrannosaurus wearing a diaper on dancing with the stars, and that was pretty fantastical he was great. She gets to give input on character decisions in things like Dwarf Fortress or FFXIV.

Anyway we don't mind having a shared fun room.

@CrownofFire
Sorry to hear about that. That's not necessarily a lack of maturity, grown adults can be legit terrified of change or progress and that is ok. Is she talking about hobbies, education, what? Maybe we can give advice!!! Have you ever tried music, or maybe art? What about a short class at your community college? Those can run as cheap as 200-400$, depending on what you are taking. Enough to be an obstacle but not insurmountable given time.

[ECrownofFire]

@CrownofFire
Sorry to hear about that. That's not necessarily a lack of maturity, grown adults can be legit terrified of change or progress and that is ok. Is she talking about hobbies, education, what? Maybe we can give advice!!! Have you ever tried music, or maybe art? What about a short class at your community college? Those can run as cheap as 200-400$, depending on what you are taking. Enough to be an obstacle but not insurmountable given time.

It's not being terrified of change or progress so much as just not putting in any effort. I don't know. She wants me to be independent, stand on my own two feet. I never relied on her financially, but she was tired of talking back and forth with me on how I never did anything. I said I wanted to be more social, but I never really tried to do it. If I did try going to some group, I'd give up after a while of not making any connections. She tried to help, but I still never did anything.

Every time she tried to help me, I shot her down.

And it's basically just... everything. I don't have any interest in making music or art. I don't have any money for anything either. I can't even go back to school unless I can come up with about $800, because I owe my previous school that and I can't get my transcript from them, which means no going to school, and no student aid or loans until after I do that.

[Dunamisdeos]

Every time she tried to help me, I shot her down.

Well, that's probably it right there. You must have interest in something besides forum posting.

At least you now feel like you have a handle on the problem as you see it. I recommend going out and trying something that you usually don't have interest in, or haven't tried in a long time. Keep trying until you find something you were wrong about, essentially.

Essentially, If you feel the problem is self-improvement, then the solution is in fact self-improvement. Do it even if you don't really feel like it, because it makes you a better person.

[Fniff]

Every time she tried to help me, I shot her down.

Well, that's probably it right there. You must have interest in something besides forum posting.

At least you now feel like you have a handle on the problem as you see it. I recommend going out and trying something that you usually don't have interest in, or haven't tried in a long time. Keep trying until you find something you were wrong about, essentially.

Essentially, If you feel the problem is self-improvement, then the solution is in fact self-improvement. Do it even if you don't really feel like it, because it makes you a better person.

This is good.
If it helps, try imagining how you'd treat yourself if you were another person. It can be hard telling the difference between when you're being a useless layabout and when you're expecting way too much of yourself. Once you identify which is which, you'll be set. Problem is, the difference changes for every person, so I'll have to leave that part up to you.

You are self-aware enough to recognize you're having a problem, so I'll put my faith in you fixing this situation.
Good luck.

[ECrownofFire]

I've known I've had problems for years, that doesn't mean I've done anything about it.

I'm not asking much of myself. Just go out and talk to people in a group, and actually go there more than a few times. Have a regular sleep schedule, even if it's waking up as late as 11 AM, that's better than waking up at 3 PM. Get to therapy on time once a week. Go out grocery shopping with my food stamps instead of getting delivery which I can't afford. Cook. Do the dishes. Shower more than once every week or two. Do the laundry. Just eat something instead of staring at my laptop screen for an entire day.

I've only asked myself the bare minimum that a 22 year old should be able to handle. A couple of them I'm not a complete failure at. But most of that... If I can't do that, where does that leave me?

[MetalSlimeHunt]

I think I might be missing some vital brain nutrient or something, because I just feel like absolute shit today for no reason. I was literally walking around flexing joints a few minutes ago because there was this overriding urge to lay down on the nearest surface and stay there. My sleep schedule has been operating at above-average rates lately, so this is weird.

I really shouldn't have pushed today's exercise to tomorrow, that might be what I'm missing. And of course, it got sunny as soon as it was too late to replan.

[EnigmaticHat]

I think I might be missing some vital brain nutrient or something, because I just feel like absolute shit today for no reason. I was literally walking around flexing joints a few minutes ago because there was this overriding urge to lay down on the nearest surface and stay there. My sleep schedule has been operating at above-average rates lately, so this is weird.

I really shouldn't have pushed today's exercise to tomorrow, that might be what I'm missing. And of course, it got sunny as soon as it was too late to replan.

This is totally diagnosing over the internet, but do you feel joint, spine, or bone pain?  Do you feel like nothing seems worth doing or would be fun?  Cause vitamin d deficiency is pretty common and we're getting to that time of year where you might be missing sun.

[Descan]

It's been 31 degrees in Canada for like three days, and only dipping below 20 on Thursday.

What the fuck, it's nearly October and it's *hotter* than it has been all summer.

[Dunamisdeos]

I've known I've had problems for years, that doesn't mean I've done anything about it.

I'm not asking much of myself. Just go out and talk to people in a group, and actually go there more than a few times. Have a regular sleep schedule, even if it's waking up as late as 11 AM, that's better than waking up at 3 PM. Get to therapy on time once a week. Go out grocery shopping with my food stamps instead of getting delivery which I can't afford. Cook. Do the dishes. Shower more than once every week or two. Do the laundry. Just eat something instead of staring at my laptop screen for an entire day.

I've only asked myself the bare minimum that a 22 year old should be able to handle. A couple of them I'm not a complete failure at. But most of that... If I can't do that, where does that leave me?

I mean, TBH, unless you have some kind of debilitating physical disorder (if you do, no offense) these are things you *can* certainly do.

I don't mean to play pocket shrink, but I have found that if there's something I don't want to do, I have often fallen into the trap of telling myself that I am incapable of doing it, and that is really easy to believe. I found that once I started doing the thing in question I realized what I had been doing.

Don't think about whether this is true of you or not, because you'll always come back with NO, I would NEVER. Come at as "If this is true, hypothetically, how would I act" or "how would I justify this to my girlfriend or myself".

If the dots connect, you have a clear path of mental advancement that you can't escape. Trite, perhaps, but from my own experiences.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

I think I might be missing some vital brain nutrient or something, because I just feel like absolute shit today for no reason. I was literally walking around flexing joints a few minutes ago because there was this overriding urge to lay down on the nearest surface and stay there. My sleep schedule has been operating at above-average rates lately, so this is weird.

I really shouldn't have pushed today's exercise to tomorrow, that might be what I'm missing. And of course, it got sunny as soon as it was too late to replan.

This is totally diagnosing over the internet, but do you feel joint, spine, or bone pain?  Do you feel like nothing seems worth doing or would be fun?  Cause vitamin d deficiency is pretty common and we're getting to that time of year where you might be missing sun.

I run six outdoor miles three to four days a week, no vitamin D deficiencies here. I did some work and read some old emails, and I think I feel better now. Might have just been a glitch or something.

[SalmonGod]

To the earlier conversation:

Our culture encourages a lot of incredibly toxic attitudes towards relationships, generally.  Like... just about everything short of physical violence that makes people miserable in a relationship in reality is played for laughs or portrayed as evidence of true affection in our media, and this poisons people's expectations.  It's disgusting. 

The man cave thing is just one of many.  I think Reelya tries way too hard to justify many of his criticisms of feminism, but I'm right with him on the man cave thing.  Most of the time I hear women use the term it's in a very clear context of "That space I begrudgingly allow him to have for that childish shit he refuses to give up, and inconveniently have to drag him out of when I want attention or service to my priorities."  And I don't hear men use the term much, except as code for "Yeah, I'm in that kind of relationship", usually with a chuckle of resignation.

[ECrownofFire]

I've known I've had problems for years, that doesn't mean I've done anything about it.

I'm not asking much of myself. Just go out and talk to people in a group, and actually go there more than a few times. Have a regular sleep schedule, even if it's waking up as late as 11 AM, that's better than waking up at 3 PM. Get to therapy on time once a week. Go out grocery shopping with my food stamps instead of getting delivery which I can't afford. Cook. Do the dishes. Shower more than once every week or two. Do the laundry. Just eat something instead of staring at my laptop screen for an entire day.

I've only asked myself the bare minimum that a 22 year old should be able to handle. A couple of them I'm not a complete failure at. But most of that... If I can't do that, where does that leave me?

I mean, TBH, unless you have some kind of debilitating physical disorder (if you do, no offense) these are things you *can* certainly do.

I don't mean to play pocket shrink, but I have found that if there's something I don't want to do, I have often fallen into the trap of telling myself that I am incapable of doing it, and that is really easy to believe. I found that once I started doing the thing in question I realized what I had been doing.

Don't think about whether this is true of you or not, because you'll always come back with NO, I would NEVER. Come at as "If this is true, hypothetically, how would I act" or "how would I justify this to my girlfriend or myself".

If the dots connect, you have a clear path of mental advancement that you can't escape. Trite, perhaps, but from my own experiences.

I have bipolar disorder, anxiety, and ADHD... I think. I'm not even sure what's wrong with me at this point. Nothing physical, though.

What really ends up happening is that I so desperately want to be okay that I end up lying to myself and others about how well I'm doing. Like a few months ago, my insurance got fucked so I couldn't go see my psychiatrist (unless I came up with like $200, anyway) and then later on my meds jumped from $20/month to $80. I can't afford that, so I stopped taking them.

I never asked for help with that. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. I didn't want her to worry about me. But I couldn't get better on my own, and now because I never actually got help, that's all gone.

I talked to my therapist about random stuff, pretending like things were okay. I mean, I did feel okay, at least a little. So that meant my life would be okay, right? Just a matter of time after starting to feel okay that I'd actually start doing things. Of course that's a load of bullshit, and "feeling okay" doesn't just involve "I got out of bed this morning" and similar, incredibly minor things. I had to put in some actual fucking effort into doing something, but I never did.

I self-sabotage a lot.

Can I turn this around? God, I hope so.

[Dunamisdeos]

The part that most people don't get to is admitting it to yourself.

You absolutely can. You obviously consider your problem to be a personal flaw, and let me tell you I have known people with worse character flaws than you describe overcome. It's people who cannot conceive that they HAVE a flaw that end up going downhill forever. In essence, you are already ahead. Next time you catch yourself in that bad habit, remember that you are strong enough to admit to yourself that the problem exists, and that you are therefore strong enough to fight against it and win.

I've got an extremely severe case of (properly diagnosed by a real doctor) ADHD, so I feel you there. And Bipolar is similar in that people tend to brush it off when it has very real and serious effects. It's hard to consider that as a source of your problems when others don't take it seriously.

[Reelya]

I've known I've had problems for years, that doesn't mean I've done anything about it.

I'm not asking much of myself. Just go out and talk to people in a group, and actually go there more than a few times. Have a regular sleep schedule, even if it's waking up as late as 11 AM, that's better than waking up at 3 PM. Get to therapy on time once a week. Go out grocery shopping with my food stamps instead of getting delivery which I can't afford. Cook. Do the dishes. Shower more than once every week or two. Do the laundry. Just eat something instead of staring at my laptop screen for an entire day.

I've only asked myself the bare minimum that a 22 year old should be able to handle. A couple of them I'm not a complete failure at. But most of that... If I can't do that, where does that leave me?

try those meetup.com things, there are boardgame nights and the like. They're a good way to get into a group thing, because there's always going to be some group or other who has a spare seat at their game, and even though you feel nervous asking, i 100% guarantee that if you ask to join a game that's below capacity, they're going to welcome you in.

meetup.com is also great if you either don't know anyone in a city or you have social issues, because it's a whole social networking / organized thing focused around actually hanging out with people, so you can use it as a predictable way of having people to hang out with, without needing to put in so much effort and planning yourself.