Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Yoink]

The recent things that have changed in my life, making me happier and a lot more optimistic overall, have also had the side-effect of making me conscious of (and embarrassed by) just how little I have accomplished in my life. This is something I never really gave even the barest whiff of a shit about in the past. I've got nothing. Nothing to be proud of, really. The things that I do feel pride about tend to be really stupid shit that counts as an improvement for me, like "leaving the house and walking down a crowded street without jumping out of my skin if someone walks too close or looks at me" and other such nonsense.

Now that I'm getting better at that kind of thing I'm unable to ignore just how pathetic it is.
I should really either get a job (to make the money that I need to enjoy life to 'the fullest' without the stress of money worries dampening my growing appreciation of all the good in life) or study (so that, at some point, I am more likely to either get a job that I can feel proud of- again, something that always seemed quite ridiculous to me in the past- or gain the skills to create something worthwhile), but despite my improvements I don't feel like I've mastered my anxiety anywhere near enough to manage either of those things.

Come to think of it, it feels like my depression (which I always took to be merely a "rational" response to all the problems caused by my crippling social anxiety) has grown to fill the gaps where my anxiety has shrunk away. I've been catching myself feeling inexplicably morose even in situations where I'd normally be overjoyed. Maybe it's capital 'D' Depression after all.   
Of course, my current money worries are probably a big cause of that, truth be told- even if I wasn't consciously pondering that issue at the time, as far as I can recall. Sad that such petty concerns as currency can cause such turmoil in my unenlightened little brain.


I need to see a therapist, to start taking some actual, meaningful steps down the road to Employability and The Ability To Function For Extended Periods As A Human Being. I've made a lot of progress, hopefully enough to be able to take the plunge into actually getting professional help. 
 

Re: Friendships, I have always struggled greatly to form and maintain friendships as well.
My main group of close friends who know me the best (and vice-versa) in fact mostly consists of a couple of friends I've had since primary school (elementary to you foreign types) and a variety of new friends they have accumulated from various sources. Initiating actual "friend activities" such as, I dunno, showing up unexpectedly/at short notice at the house of another friend to hang out or whatever always seems extremely daunting to me.

At least there's the one house where a large percentage of said friend group lives, and where I used to live as well, so I often head over there when I'm in the mood to try and preserve those friendships, but I've no idea how I would go about trying to reach that point of a friendship with other, new friends/friend groups. I do also have my housemates (who are also friends I've known for a few years at least) and their circles, whom I often hang out with despite not really relating to them in a lot of ways deep down.

Basically the one thing I know of that is helpful to making friends as an adult is: shared interests.
For me, that's mostly live music. Sure, maybe I haven't really formed too many close friendships beyond the "drinking buddies" stage (with a few notable exceptions such as my housemates), but I still have a lot of friends from back when I was into punk and went to such gigs all the time. Whenever I head back to my home city, and by extension my favourite bar, it feels like a bit of a homecoming as there's always at least a few people I know, and who are glad to see me again.

That probably doesn't help. I don't know. Platonic relationships are the least of my worries right now.   

As for the other, extremely sad subject being discussed in here... I am going to post this, flee the thread and put such things from my mind rather than thinking of them.

[Mephansteras]

My cat passed away tonight. We spent the last week trying to get his cancer back under control but it just wasn't enough. He had a good 14 years of life, at least.

[Sirus]

That's a good amount of time for a cat 

[Rolan7]

I'm taking a hiatus.  I was already strongly considering the idea, while I sort out some real-life changes/issues including a move.  Most recent ban sealed the deal.

So long, acquaintances.  Most of you are quite excellent.  I'll be back in a few months when the move is done.

[Tawa]

Aw, sad to see you go, Rolan. You're always a welcome face around here.

Good luck with everything while you're away. ]We'll miss you!

[misko27]

Regarding the family discussion, I'll pile on and say my sister is probably the most I have in the way of family support (although my sister is usually someone who needs support more than she supplies it). My mother is... dodgy, usually useful but also not the sort of person you want to be involved in your life, meanwhile my father is... well, I'll go so far as to say he lives in Chicago, and even that's still too nearby for my tastes. Then I've got two uncles I'm not on speaking terms with, one aunt who lives in London 90% of the time and Florida another 9%, and that is it. I know my mother has extended family, but they don't even live in this country and I know none of them.

So it's just my sister and my Polish penpal. And as much as I'm fond of my penpal, it's not quite the same as a friend in the hand, as it were.

Come to think of it, it feels like my depression ... has grown to fill the gaps where my anxiety has shrunk away. I've been catching myself feeling inexplicably morose even in situations where I'd normally be overjoyed. Maybe it's capital 'D' Depression after all.   
Of course, my current money worries are probably a big cause of that, truth

For what it's worth, this is how I've been for the last few years. Depressed, until something (usually a crisis of some sort, or perhaps just work and money and things like that) arises to make me worried. Then I'll be worried, and that will get worse, but at the same time my depression lessens until, for example, right before a hard-deadline for something, I'll be able to remember what it feels like to be not depressed at all, and make all these plans for things I want to do when I'm no longer busy. And then the thing passes, and I'm back to not wanting to do much of anything. And it repeats. And presumably, it will keep repeating until I die, or get better.

I'm hoping it's the latter.

[Arx]

I can hardly breathe without triggering a convulsive coughing fit, and my internet is practically nonexistent.

[Loud Whispers]

Hope you get the best of rest Arx, that sounds tough

[Truean]

Yeah, I can relate to the family issues. Mine is scattered and incredibly dysfunctional to say the least. I now have some health problems, that I thankfully have good insurance and an accommodating job to deal with right now, otherwise I'd have insane issues. That's not to say things are perfect, or haven't been nightmarish the last couple years, but still.

My social network has evaporated or gone dormant, circumstances happened. At least it's possible to revive after this surgery. There's recovery and rehab time, but it's potentially doable. I am currently better than I was a year ago; there are still things that may sink me, but not for lack of trying.

[martinuzz]

Really, Avast?

"try 60 days premium for free!"

... and then you can't progress through the installation menu without giving either a credit card number or logging into a payal account. For a free transaction.
Idiots. I have neither.

Dear Avast. People in the EU don't have creditcards, except a handful of rich idiots. What happened to just getting that free trial version of 60 days once a year, no strings attached, like it has been possible since the 1990s? What happened to 'Avast will always be free'?

The other sad, I should not fall asleep at 8pm. Woke up at 3:30, can't sleep anymore now. Bit too early a rise here.

[Avis-Mergulus]

Dear Avast. People in the EU don't have creditcards, except a handful of rich idiots.

But you do have debit cards, right? I mean... do your employers pay you in cash? Or do you walk to the bank every time you get paid to withdraw the money?

[wierd]

More than likely, they carry cash, and get a pay check at the end of every week, which they take to the bank.
Alternatively, they carry a checkbook, and write checks against their bank account when they need to make a major purchase.

This was the societal norm in the 80s and early 90s, before the big credit card cartels decided that America needed to be in debt up to its eyeballs, and pulled strings. I still dont know how Visa and MasterCard managed to get the initial investments for the initial rollouts and bribery to get their card machines in everywhere. I just know that it was not that good for the US.

That Europe still operates sensibly* is a good thing.

[Avis-Mergulus]

This doesn't seem to make sense. Not carrying cash money doesn't have a causal relationship to being in debt. I have a debit card - so does pretty much everyone I know - and it's also commonly thought here that credit cards are entirely unnecessary. If you have a bank account anyway, a debit card is just a more convenient and secure way to access it.

And the taking-your-check-to-the-bank scheme requires a lot more money spent for the same coverage as ATMs (I mean, everybody has to have access to a bank which is a reasonable distance away, which makes a lot of actual physical bank offices a necessity, whereas you can just stick an ATM wherever).

[Sirus]

I can understand why people might be leery of credit cards, but what on Earth is the problem with debit cards? They're vastly more convenient than cash or checks (outside of certain transactions) and safer, too. If you get mugged while carrying cash, you're out of luck. If the mugger gets your plastic on the other hand, you just call the bank and cancel the card(s) you lost. Replacements arrive within the week and the crook gets nothing.

[ChairmanPoo]

I can understand why people might be leery of credit cards, but what on Earth is the problem with debit cards? They're vastly more convenient than cash or checks (outside of certain transactions) and safer, too. If you get mugged while carrying cash, you're out of luck. If the mugger gets your plastic on the other hand, you just call the bank and cancel the card(s) you lost. Replacements arrive within the week and the crook gets nothing.

my ass he wont. He'll just march you to an electronic cashier and make you pull out the maximum daily draw