You don't have to understand goodwill, just accept it. Sometimes people are nice for no reason other than they want to be.
I just don't want to disappoint any more than I already have.
Then learn from what happened and then address what you can within bounds of reason. :O Just because people were disappointed--which depends on context--doesn't mean its a downfall for you. Things happen, mistakes happen, bad things happen, but you've to work with what you've done; this doesn't mean that you have justification in making sweeping generalizations in a cynical way, because the language you use in making conclusions follows a parallel in your thoughts and ideas. Sometimes a bit of adjustment in language will get the specifics out. You're young, you may sometimes make mistakes you didn't see in foresight; growing up with the mindset of cynicality and pessimism because of seeing the
surface results of what you've done and condemning yourself out of it won't help overall. Learn from what you've done in a constructive critical way. Become better--and if this includes other people in it who you think can help you by merit of what they've done, talk to them and work with them. :O
But please don't get into the belief that its up to the 'other people' (as seen in how the 'nobody' statements you've said) to give worth to what's innately in you. Seems a lot like low self-esteem that way. Personally, the best way to get criticism about yourself is constructive criticism. Rather than lop the 'general population' under an idea or concept--ideal in the word 'nobody', get to know the people you're thinking about. Oft has it been that one's thoughts are driven along with one's feelings, so when one feels bad...it looks like the world
is bad, in the context of 'I felt bad because [interaction with others//significant events//events in my background that many people go through with and there's a difference I see in contrast to mine?]'. Comparison and contrast in that manner should not be the endpoint, else you'll come off with differing levels of conclusions about yourself, if it's a negative observation you see. Look for the positives, to balance that out if you've the habit of comparing; this applies to when you compare yourself in it.
I know you've a thing when it comes to taking things literally :O What people mean here are for literal measure.
also fuck i'm TOO TIRED why do i keep doing this there's literally only 10 days till folk high school and by then i'll have to be used to getting up at 7:30am every morning and right now it's past 3am fffffffffffffffffffffffff
tiredness making aaaaaaaaaaall the bad thoughts surface
i both want to sleep and don't want to sleep at the same time
Bodyclock balance? :O I've found sleeping at the designated time and waking up at the same time around 3 days before the usual schedule is needed helps adjust my sleeping patterns. :3