Ohhhh mein gott, my conscious and subconscious are all up in each others faces damn near constantly. My conscious says "i want to draw a thing", my subconscious says "you'll fuck up and people will hate you so don't do anything". I know i'm way too concerned with what others think of me (so in that sense i totally get you Cinder), but i just feel really bad about putting myself above others, like i'm inherently worth less than others and have to constantly prove that i'm worth keeping around. It's not in the "compulsive bootlicking" sense, it's more that i feel like people will reject me or i will alienate them if i don't put their needs first, which to me is a
terrifying idea.
I guess the fear is more specifically that i'll end up repeating history and have people using me as a verbal punching bag by default, which is pretty much what went on in elementary school. Newcomers to the class would usually quickly learn that if you interacted with me, it would result in bullying if you were with me and inclusion if you were against me (in fact, one of my friends managed to prove that quite conclusively during a field trip to which i had called in sick, where he got them to leave him alone by falsely declaring that he didn't like me, and
still stuck with me afterwards). Thankfully, some people just chose to not bother me, but still, only
one new guy stuck with me and became a friend, and thus being among the scant few people who kept me from falling apart completely.
I am extremely grateful for those friends, and for all my new friends, but is it wrong of me to fear a repeat of those six years? I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me beyond anxiety, because letting go of that fear has so far proven to be the greatest challenge in my life. Even among established friends am i fearful of opening up, and VERY few people can claim to have seen the "unrestrained" version of me. Pretty much only my immediate family and the previously mentioned friend who proved the bullying hypothesis (... who i've since lost contact with) can say that, and even then, none of the people in my life are aware of the full extent of the damage (as evidenced when my mom expressed surprise upon hearing that i was uncomfortable in crowds,
this year).
Ugh, there's almost too much to write about. Still, i try to keep a positive outlook, and much of the time i genuinely am pretty chipper. There are just times where the demons rear their ugly heads.
[...], unless it's something i HAVE to do. [...]
This is actually the operative phrase. The difference between a strong-willed and weak-willed person is in how many things they internalize as HAVING to do.
Well, in that case, i am EXTREMELY weak-willed (... or just extremely lazy, which i'm more inclined to believe). Mandatory assignments in school were not considered under the "have to" classification, but rather "forced to", which is pretty much at the bottom of my priority list. This also ties directly in with my long standing history of underperforming in almost everything related to education (i probably sound like a blowhard when i say that many teachers commented that i "have a sharp mind, so PLEASE USE IT"), at least when going solo. In groups i will of course pull my weight, but even then it's generally not much more than what's acceptable.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9796944 times)