I realized that I have never had any real friend, or anyone who I have felt any real attatchment to for my entire life. When I was little I had other kids who I called my friends, but that was just because I didn'r actually understand what a friend really was at the time because I never had any "friends" who did much besides piss me off amd generally pick on me for their amusement. Things might have been different if my brother didn't exist since he's the one who introduced everyone to these stupendous activities, since he had been doing it for longer than I can remember, probably since we were in the womb, and is the only person who continued doing this after I became 12 or so, though he still does it to this day. When I got picked on, my mother punished me for reasons that I can't remember and still don't understand. The other day, after I mentioned that I was picked on in elementary school, she was shocked and surprised.
When I was in middle school I came sort of close to having friends, except my brother effectively managed to piss on my parade once more because he prevented me from talking to people he knew (meaning everyone) because apparently the fact that I existed embarassed the fuck out of him or something, I don't know. Thus began a three-year phase where I stopped being excitable and weird and started to become incredibly quiet and stopped associating with people altogether. This in turn began a phase where my mother began acting like even more of a bitch because she earnestly believed that everyone who was quiet was only so because they were secretly terrified of being near other humans ("I understand because I was exactly like you when I was young! I had social anxiety, and I don't understand the difference between introversion and social anxiety so they're the same thing! The only reason why you thing that I don't understand is because you're an edgy angsty teen and not because I'm objectively wrong!). She attempted to fix me to be a perfectly social child via incessant nagging and generally putting me down while refusing to deal with the real problem, which was my brother.
Fagt forward a couple more years, I am now 17 years old, I am a junior in high school, have still never had anyone who I liked at all except for this one girl who I've had a crush on but will never be motivated enough to become acquainted with, I am as excitable as a stone and I have never done anything fun with anyone else.
And now I feel awful again because talking about this kind of shit makes me want to cry.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9766309 times)