Why am I still even alive. I'm not worth the effort most days, even to myself; and the days when I am, or naively think I am, get drowned out by the rest of my life. I don't do anything; I waste time listening to music and doing stupid stuff on the internet. I don't hangout with people; I'm awkward as it is, and most if not all of my friends have a grudge against me due to what I said to my ex (which I won't ever let myself forgive or forget, because I had no right to say that). I guess I should be happy, because in my mind I don't inconvinience too many other people, but if I actually stop and think about it, I do. I don't turn in work, I miss the bus, I don't do basic things (like eat or drink), I don't even pay attention when people close to me are hurt or in pain. All I do is waste space and hide behind a facade of happiness and laughter. Most days I don't even think about what I'm doing, because if I did I wouldn't ever do anything. I'm so afraid. I'm afraid of losing. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not being perfect. I'm afraid of what I can do to people. I'm afraid of what I might do if I actually think. I'm afraid of myself, and I'm so tired of this. I just want to be left alone, to be able to take a break, and relax, and not always be sore from constantly being tense. I can't even sleep that well anymore, because I'm still tense when I sleep. I only get through most days because I know I can come back to my nest of trash in my basement and pretend no one else exists. I just want to be left alone, but everytime I try to push people away they swat my hands away and get up in my face and yell and scream and I'm just so tired. I'd kill myself if I knew it wouldn't affect anyone, but I know it will affect so many people and I don't want that. I don't want to get in the way, or be a pain, or anything else. I just want to disappear, but they won't let go, they just keep pulling me back to their stupid fucking cycle of pain and hatred and I'm just so fucking tired of hurting myself so everyone else can be happy and pretend I'm okay. I can't even cry anymore because they would think something's wrong, and then they'd start to pry and find out all my dirty little secrets that I promised I'd never tell. Everyday I think to myself "Why aren't you dead? You should be dead. You've done enough damage in your short life, you deserve it. Actually, no. You don't deserve death. That's being to merciful. You deserve worse." The only thing that even makes me happy anymore are certain people, and the majority of them are either dead, gone, or hate me, and the rest I see so often I'm starting to not be happy around them anymore. I just want this to end. Why won't it end? Why can't I just walk away, for once, why won't they just let me do my thing? Why do they have to drag me into their stupid fucking messes of relationships and social events and all the shit that comes with them?