Thanks. I do have a safety net of sorts (my parents are willing to help me pay the tuition if i fail to earn enough dosh), but i'm kind of tired of always falling into whatever safety net i may have. I'm also tired of STILL being ruled so much by anxiety, even after group therapy (though it did help), but it's not like i can just decide to not be anxious or afraid any more. One of the most nerve wracking experiences i've had recently was to let my physiotherapist look through my sketchbook on his own. I am fully aware of how silly that may sound to most of you (it looks silly to ME when written down like that), but i was visibly trembling afterwards.
Also, i am extremely skittish about people looking at what's going on on my monitor, so for the most part when people (especially my confused moth of an older brother, who spends a disconcerting amount of time standing in the middle of the room while "contemplating") are looking, i bring forth a sufficiently non-descript screen that they're probably not going to take notice of and/or make comments to, and stay there until they go elsewhere. A crucial step towards living with my anxiety would be to let people look all they want, without reflexively pausing, minimizing or whatever. It feels really unpleasant, but i know i'll have to if i am to get anywhere. I also feel like i should probably tell my brother that the reason i am so goddamn jumpy about his floundering around is that my anxiety is fucking with my head. That, and i really don't care much for explaining everything on the screen, nor do i care for him backseat browsing when he has a computer literally two meters away that he could be browsing on.