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[chaotic skies]

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Spoiler: long rant-like thing. (click to show/hide)

This thing, where I attempt to say sorry, or, more often, simply say "hi" to someone, and instead I end up feeling nervous, feeling slightly dizzy, and being very nauseous. It doesn't help my imaginary self-confidence any, it doesn't help me fix the situation I've stuck my self in, it doesn't help. Nothing ever helps. No one understands, and I'm too untrusting of people to talk to a therapist or psychiatrist or whatever else. It's their job to understand, and yet I don't trust them, so they say there's nothing wrong with me, because I won't tell them anything. I wish I could start this life over, go back to the beginning, and figure out what caused all this. Not even to fix it; I just want to know how this happened. I guess that's one of the questions I'll always be asking myself. "How?" "Why?" But no one ever answers. There is no reason. There is no explanation. Things just happen, and people won't tell me why. Then, when I try to figure it out for myself, everyone gets angry at me. So I go back to being a useless drone, good pretty much only for menial, repetetive tasks that I hate more than anything else on the planet. I want to do interesting things, good things, but no one ever lets me. I guess I'm "too nice", or "too naive", but then, if I'm the naive one, why is it no one else sees these things? Why is it people despise me for being nice, for trying to help people? Some days I wonder why I don't use this amazing brain I have to do things, incredibly evil things, and the only reason I can think of is...I'm lazy. That's it. I don't want to go to the trouble of thinking, so I just continue to be a good person. It's easier to pretend to be nice, than actually be evil or mean or rude or whatever else. And I can't tell anyone I actually know this stuff, because the only person I know would listen is...."distant", the person I'm almost sure would listen has some problems with me, and everyone else doesn't want to hear it, and would think I'm sick or something. Because the only emotions I show anymore is happiness and annoyance. That's all that shows up on my face. I don't cry. I don't frown. I don't...do anything, really.

I hate this so much. All of it. The things I've done. The things I should have done. The things I wish I could have done. I hate myself for not seeing it, but I hate myself for that too.

[TheBiggerFish]

*hugs chaotic skies (platonically)*

If you want to vent things at me you can do that.

Also, maybe you should practice talking to a mirror or a photo or something.  I don't really know how to deal with social anxiety that's that bad.

[Orange Wizard]

I don't really know how to deal with social anxiety that's that bad.

Usually it's having a friend, etc. who you trust enough to drag you (physically if need be) out of it.

[hector13]

I don't really know how to deal with social anxiety that's that bad.

Usually it's having a friend, etc. who you trust enough to drag you (physically if need be) out of it.

Can confirm: doesn't work.

Or perhaps I was so much of a stubborn bastard.

[chaotic skies]

Most of the time I'm too nervous/stubborn to ask for help, even if it's just someone standing nearby to hear what's going on.

[Solifuge]

-snip-

I'm sorry this is something you're dealing with. There's a lot of ideas tangled together here, which makes it hard to respond comprehensively. I can say, as a general thing, that therapy really helps; if you can already identify that you have a bias against therapists, you already know better than to mistrust them by rote, and that they could potentially help you if you sought one out. In the same way, it sounds like you've identified many other potential problems or choices you make that are making you unhappy; things like refusing to ask for help even when you need it, or dissociating from your emotions, all of which it sounds like you recognize as non-ideal?

Given that you've already made that step in the right direction, the next step is probably picking some low-hanging fruit from that list, whatever you think you can manage, and brainstorming up a plan of some sort to change things for the better. I've personally found writing up lists of things I want to change really helpful as a starting place, and focusing on actions that I can take to try to change things for the better. I'm not always ready to do that (sometimes, we just need comforting, some time to recover, or whatever else before we can jump into things), but ultimately you're the only one who can change this for yourself. Give yourself room to fail (that's what happens sometimes, when we encounter challenges) but please do consider ways that you might change this for the better.

You can do it, but I wish you good luck anyway.

[Bauglir]

in lighter news, installing most of the dependencies for build-essential and python3-pip by hand because your package manager is broken (because ftp traffic seems to be getting kicked in the head upstream somewhere) is kind of a pain in the ass

fuck computers, that is all

[sprinkled chariot]

I just turned 21 and I dont have degree, any useful or interesting skills, meaningful job, and also I am stupid.

[hector13]

I just turned 21 and I dont have degree, any useful or interesting skills, meaningful job, and also I am stupid.

I'm 29 and have those things too!

[Rose]

I just turned 21 and I dont have degree, any useful or interesting skills, meaningful job, and also I am stupid.

I'm 29 and have those things too!

[Orange Wizard]

I failed highschool twice and then dropped out of university. Now I'm unemployed. Beat that, shitlords.

[hector13]

I failed highschool twice and then dropped out of university. Now I'm unemployed. Beat that, shitlords.

I dropped out of uni because my girlfriend dumped me (though I later married her...) and waited 3 years to ask for the qualification I attained.

I've been unemployed for 2 years and it has taken me more than a year to learn to drive!

[NullForceOmega]

I failed highschool twice and then dropped out of university. Now I'm unemployed. Beat that, shitlords.

I dropped out of highschool, got a GED, joined the Army, destroyed both of my knees, hips and lower back in a stupid training accident, spent eighteen months restoring function to my body, and have been unable to hold a job for fifteen years, now I'm a stay at home dad with two little boys, one of whom is slightly autistic.

(Note, this is all true, and my actual RL situation right now, and doesn't even cover the really stupid shit I did before dropping out of highschool.)

[Orange Wizard]

stay at home dad

Wait, isn't that a success?

[NullForceOmega]

Only if you aren't an adrenaline junky streetfighter who feels the strong desire to cave in peoples skulls every hour of every day.  I'm not what you'd really call 'mentally stable' most of the time, and being near my own children fills me with conflicting emotions compounded by a massive dose of self-hatred, and I continually stress the hell out of myself because I have very limited control over my violent impulses, and I would probably have to walk to a really bad section of town and force them to kill me if I hurt one of my boys.