It messes with my mind, makes me feel like i'm not supposed or entitled to do anything good for myself, like i might as well give up on everything productive i (can) do because there's already someone who does it better. There's always someone better, so why would people want me for anything? I feel fucking useless. I'm physically sub-par and therefore bad for manual labor, i'm uncomfortable in anything larger than small groups of people, i crack easily and underperform significantly under pressure, i quickly get stressed out if i have to continuously do something that i don't like, and i quickly get bored with repetitive tasks. All of these "qualities" are undesirable for pretty much any employer, and many of them aren't exactly conductive to studying either. "Clench your butt and suck it up" is something i've heard more than once, and I'VE TRIED. It's just... Starting to get really hard. I've been clenching pretty much since after the first few times we got homework in public school, which is what, 17 years ago now? Besides the initial excitement, i've always hated homework.
At first, it was just because it was boring. It's not that i hate learning, i just hate the way we have/had to learn. Repeating what is essentially the same pre-defined task over and over AND OVER really didn't tickle my fancy. I've OFTEN been reprimanded by mom and had teachers express their frustration at me not doing my homework, and it's not like they haven't tried to teach me proper work ethic, it just never latched on. Possibly because my reward for actually doing homework was a "ok good" and a new batch of homework. Do boring shit in order to get more boring shit? That equation didn't work in my head, even as a kid (probably ESPECIALLY as a kid).
More recently, it has started being more of a feeling of disliking people telling me how i am to spend my time. If i'm actually in a class, sure, i've dedicated my time to doing what i'm told in there, but i HATE it when work-ish things spill into my free time. What i know intellectually and feel emotionally are two very, very different things here. I know it's damn near impossible to handle a study without doing stuff outside of classes/lectures, but i just don't feel like it works for me, i've never truly felt that. Maybe i'm just not cut out for academia. I don't even know what i AM cut out for, at least if you don't count escapism. Almost everything work and study-related is a fucking high pressure environment, and i am sick of that. I am so unfathomably sick of stressful environments that it has impacted my physical health (quite possibly what set my IBS off to begin with). Constantly being pushed to achieve a certain standard, constantly being urged to stay on the ball because it'll roll away the same fucking second that i fall off, constantly being under some godforsaken deadline that's only set in stone because the higher-ups say it is. I DON'T CARE FOR THAT. I know i sound like a whiny brat, but that's how it is. I'm not a fucking drone, maybe i want something else with my life than toiling until i'm old and retired?
Tiredness has a way of bringing forth all the negatives. >.>
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9698928 times)