First thing I did when I got out of high school was go to university for an engineering program, but I bombed in second year. I went to college after that and started seeing a psychologist to work through the depression I seemed to be suffering. It was more than depression though. As discussed with my psychologist, when I don't understand material that I feel I should be able to understand on my own, I feel a mixture of fear of and shame for being/appearing/feeling incompetent. This fear and shame makes me quite reluctant to ask for help and really just makes me want to avoid work related to the subject matter. These feelings also come up when I feel that I've fallen behind on something.
Second year of my MechEng program at college, I discovered that I absolutely loved fluid dynamics and doing pipe calculations and wanted to do that for the rest of my life. Third year had nothing to do with fluid dynamics, so I had trouble staying motivated (and of course those old fears and came up again) and as a result failed a few courses. This year I went back to finish up what I'd started and though I haven't seen my psychologist since October (turns out the living on your own is expensive!), in the first term I did well enough in my courses and did not give in to my irrational fears again.
I had a week-long break 2 weeks ago, and somehow depression managed to work its greasy fingers into my brain again. On the first Monday I spent too long typing up a message to a girl on eHarmony, noticed I was late and said to myself "Eh, I'll just skip class today." I haven't been able to force myself to go to school ever since, until today at least. Today I'm going not to class, but to the student adviser for the engineering faculty to explain my situation and try to figure out what I'm going to have to do to come out with SOMETHING by the end of April. Engine Design I know I can salvage with just hard work, CAM I'm feeling a little iffy about, and Communications.....I think I was already fucked sixteen ways to Thunder Bay in that class before the break.
You see, the woman teaching that particular Communications class is the sort of person who inspires the (mostly incorrect) belief that people in STEM are vastly superior to everyone else. She patronized the class and treated us like children. While communication skills are quite important in almost every work environment, she gave me this distinct impression that communication skills were the only thing that she had going for her and that if she had to do anything on her own she would fail miserably. She starts the course by talking about how we need to sell ourselves (I had a sales job once, it made me feel slimy), some bullshit tests about learning styles (who makes it to the final year of college without knowing what the best way they learn is?) and told us our first assignment was to write up a "career objective" with 3 "career goals" and a plan to achieve them. Looking at the example report she gave us, I could tell she wasn't going to be very impressed with "work a desk job concerning fluid dynamics", "get paid well" and "get promotions so I can get paid more", but those were my career goals and I didn't feel like lying to her about them. Then she talks about resumes and interviews and "selling yourself" started to look more and more like "borderline lying". Having to write up a resume made me reflect and ruminate on all my past failures; this wasn't exactly inspiring any good moods, but it was a bullet I was going to have to bite sooner or later and I powered through it in the end. And then, after explaining to the class that I had absolutely zero experience with leadership of any sort and I didn't see that as a problem because I'm not going to be interested in management positions of any sort for 15-20 years as part of an in-class activity, she tells me that I have an attitude problem and maybe this isn't the right time for me to take Communications. Well, I guess my group is going to have to do their project on "Managing Millenials" without me. I wonder if she even realizes that we engineering students don't hold her in very high regards.
And of course, constantly looming over me is the fact that no matter how well I do in school it's no guarantee of a job. Even if I look at all the jobs I'm qualified for, I've got no HVAC training and everyone and their mother is asking for workers with experience. I've sent out resumes for real jobs in the past and have never gotten even so much as an interview. The only real job I've ever held I got because of my dad's work connections. I liked it there, and went back to do my placement in third year. However, I slacked off a little more than I should have and hit on one of the accountants (have you ever had a girl say "no" to you, and you weren't sure whether she meant "no, please don't ask again" or "no, but feel free to ask again some other time"? That was my mistake) so when I asked for a summer position they declined. My dad seems to think that I might be able to get a position there if I just talk to the boss, but what am I supposed to do, grovel? I would, but I just don't see anything working.
I am so tired of all this song and dance, of jumping through all these hoops. I really need to get an 8 hour a day job, not just for the money, but because having a daily schedule of "get up, shower, eat, go to work, come back, eat, sleep" is my best shot for keeping myself stable. If I hadn't failed in university, I could have been working for over a year now. If I hadn't failed last year, I'd be working now. And here I am now, failing again. It all seems so futile. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of reasons to keep on living. However, all my major attempts to better myself have gone down in flames, and I'm starting to think that all future attempts will also end in failure no matter what I do and I'm ultimately better off not even trying.
On the upside, typing all this up has helped me think about what I'm going to say to the student adviser.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9702444 times)